tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51968612046136442472024-03-14T00:42:10.484-04:00Bereavement SupportDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-79079896430548406832009-07-24T16:28:00.000-04:002009-07-24T16:29:23.411-04:00Who is Your Reason?“What’s your reason for doing that?”<br /><br />“The reason I said that was . . .”<br /><br />“The reason that happened was. . . “<br /><br />Do any of those above statements come close to describing the title of this article? What about “You’re my reason for living.”? That comes much closer, doesn’t it? We’ve all probably heard that one before in movies or in a romance novel. <br /><br />When we think about the loss of a spouse and think about “the reason,” we can see why this type of loss can be so painful for some. When our spouse dies, we struggle with the loss of our companion, our friend, our lover, our past, present and future – just to name a few struggles. <br /><br />I was pondering the struggles that my clients have experienced and thought to myself, “If my husband died what would I miss? What would I struggle with in grief?” The answer was, EVERYTHING – I imagined I would feel empty and without direction. I imagined that it would be difficult to go back to work, it would be difficult to be with friends and family, it would be difficult to tend to the daily chores, it would be difficult to learn new tasks, it would be difficult to be emotionally available and present for my family, and the list goes on and on and on. Then I started to ask myself, “why?” Why would I have such struggles? Being a grief counselor and educator myself, wouldn’t I have all the answers to help myself in my grief? I don’t think so, and the “reason” is that my husband IS my “reason.” <br /><br />Now, this was huge. I had to sit with this for awhile and think about it. He’s the reason that motivates me on a daily basis to go to work, to be creative, to be a better wife, to be a better pet mom, to keep our home clean, to have clean clothes, to cook and even to get mad. He’s the reason. Imagine losing your reason. It would make perfect sense to lose direction in your life, to lose sight of goals that were planned, to lose motivation, to lose that zest for living. <br /><br />Do you know someone who lost their “reason?” Then just be gentle with them, now that you have a new found understanding of what they may be going through. You can be a supportive presence for them – that is enough! <br /><br />Did you lose your “reason?” Then hopefully this article normalizes some of the feelings you may be going through. Know that as each day goes by, some of these struggles will lessen.<br /><br />Do you still have your “reason?” Then let them know that “they are your reason!”Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-45492079006488486852009-07-01T20:51:00.011-04:002009-07-02T09:49:52.891-04:00Grieving the Loss of Iconic Figures<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl4USqIdX03cVbPmPCp5qWSSFJNV66cRCjIxNa5499YoDc76Vhr0yVcvgb-_dxeUQUCG8dRL2oWnDl3eRvURzDNoEEbt4u4bJgocVHD58aDT-3IDtV54oMGOBuo5NQFJYeTBc-bbn8Psc/s1600-h/michael+jackson.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353843964255927810" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 121px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 120px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl4USqIdX03cVbPmPCp5qWSSFJNV66cRCjIxNa5499YoDc76Vhr0yVcvgb-_dxeUQUCG8dRL2oWnDl3eRvURzDNoEEbt4u4bJgocVHD58aDT-3IDtV54oMGOBuo5NQFJYeTBc-bbn8Psc/s200/michael+jackson.jpg" border="0" /></a> Time to pull out something from the archives - I'm reaching way back to July, 2007 where we discussed Grieving the Loss of Fictional Characters. Remember that one? It was the one where we talked about the sad feelings people were having over the ending of the Harry Potter series. I ended that posting with the quote from USA Today, saying "“It’s not any more of a pretend emotion to mourn a fictional character than to mourn a princess you never met whose subject you were not.” - referring to the death of Princess Diana.<br /><br /><br /><div>Which brings us to today, where the last couple of weeks have delivered the news of some celebrity's death and we find ourselves mourning the loss of these icons. Why? We weren't related to them. We probably have never met them. To mourn the loss of someone, isn't it necessary to have a connection with them? What if it were an emotional connection? Ahhhhh, now we're talking! <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4UKgXIZRkj3MooMFFscbSTaC7ZiUNQJSkyXAAoyUN7mihq6VE2eNkD3Tb7nZU64ou219qJBhHJIebdNFlhIcDxW_t19htmsMuHci1C1ce0R03VCj3RPFE2e0BBU900SDxb-C-pF_PaLM/s1600-h/farrah.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353844433719476562" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 102px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 126px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4UKgXIZRkj3MooMFFscbSTaC7ZiUNQJSkyXAAoyUN7mihq6VE2eNkD3Tb7nZU64ou219qJBhHJIebdNFlhIcDxW_t19htmsMuHci1C1ce0R03VCj3RPFE2e0BBU900SDxb-C-pF_PaLM/s200/farrah.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><div></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4UKgXIZRkj3MooMFFscbSTaC7ZiUNQJSkyXAAoyUN7mihq6VE2eNkD3Tb7nZU64ou219qJBhHJIebdNFlhIcDxW_t19htmsMuHci1C1ce0R03VCj3RPFE2e0BBU900SDxb-C-pF_PaLM/s1600-h/farrah.jpg"></a></div><br /><br />Iconic figures are ripe for emotional connections. We become emotionally connected through no fault of our own. It's brilliant marketing and it's how they become famous. They attach themselves to a product, enhance their incredible talents and features, and learn to speak to us on a deeper level so that we buy into whatever they are selling - an album, a television program, a laundry detergent - whatever.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPphQPPCimVYv2pYfqjSaGD2cWvQZ3UY4PjYFmClUHQg-Z0_7jey5mrxB8rw0ff4MlZbpP2NeeQKnWd_f_iGZbVvfJgpkwjI6EnLPZgHe_wcqQFbZhwALVD0tSaHCobXKwUQvvQoLd6Zo/s1600-h/billy+mays.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353845529499452482" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 102px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 131px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPphQPPCimVYv2pYfqjSaGD2cWvQZ3UY4PjYFmClUHQg-Z0_7jey5mrxB8rw0ff4MlZbpP2NeeQKnWd_f_iGZbVvfJgpkwjI6EnLPZgHe_wcqQFbZhwALVD0tSaHCobXKwUQvvQoLd6Zo/s200/billy+mays.jpg" border="0" /></a>These connections are made because of a variety of reasons: we identify with them, we want to be like them, we want to be friends with them, we want to marry them. Yes, I said "marry them." Sigh! Time for self-disclosure. When I was a budding teenager, I was "In Love" with Elton John. All those wonderful songs he sang - he sang them for me. Not for you - ME! I was convinced that if I planned hard enough and got to meet him, he would realize that we were meant to be together. I even slept with his picture on my pillow and kissed him good-night every evening. Now, imagine if Elton had died during that time - the grief that I would be feeling would be experienced as a significant loss. As the years have passed and I have grown (I would have said matured, but I know the flack I would receive), that emotional connection has changed from a love struck teenager entrenched in fantasy, to a whimsical remembering of a time that once was. If Elton were to die now, I would definitely feel sadness, but not the deep grieving I would have experienced in the past.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMXRKw1eOHy_w9yTJoo1fhY1Z83xm7eRZoYRBv7FG3dGq5kktKpNzF5mQNKrpN1bLatuGDNWX4ulrCM8c7xejWsnjEJdV-f8R7lXat5WjJ5Tahfhm07gHenCgrvy9DxK8kgRRotbomBx0/s1600-h/david+carradine.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353848600326613842" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 102px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 138px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMXRKw1eOHy_w9yTJoo1fhY1Z83xm7eRZoYRBv7FG3dGq5kktKpNzF5mQNKrpN1bLatuGDNWX4ulrCM8c7xejWsnjEJdV-f8R7lXat5WjJ5Tahfhm07gHenCgrvy9DxK8kgRRotbomBx0/s200/david+carradine.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />So when we hear the news of David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, and Michael Jackson, we see and hear many differing expressions of sadness and grief. We see people in different stages of their lives, having differing emotional connections to these icons, for many different reasons. We may not always understand why someone is showing such a depth of feeling for a celebrity, but it's not for us to understand. It's not for us to judge. They have a different emotional connection to that celebrity than we do.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUmb_lJZiR1ztwi4dNWOn-7VwNpXAEDbtbRn3zUaskWsTAOFH4EqoM7MZWXGqOVCCTQiO3ZAvrcxUez3hBgF3E1eCI2ux8q9Nq567Y3Y4R1X_cnoylPST2vi5nJu7kvAvnDXVGf8CuVb4/s1600-h/ed+mcmahon.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353851054062344882" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 89px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 120px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUmb_lJZiR1ztwi4dNWOn-7VwNpXAEDbtbRn3zUaskWsTAOFH4EqoM7MZWXGqOVCCTQiO3ZAvrcxUez3hBgF3E1eCI2ux8q9Nq567Y3Y4R1X_cnoylPST2vi5nJu7kvAvnDXVGf8CuVb4/s200/ed+mcmahon.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />What we can do is support the person in any way that we can. Let them talk about why that celebrity was so important to them. Let them share why they were so connected to that person. This is a form of Life Review and Reminiscence and is a great way to help go through the grief process. It's our way of trying to make sense of what just happened, make peace with it and honor their life and memory. It may even be helpful to be a part of the rituals that occur when an event like this happens. Go to the place where the celebrity lived, join the fans that are mourning and will understand the grief that you are feeling. Leave a flower, or a note, at the designated memorial site. Attend the viewing, even if it means that you are standing in line for hours just to do so - it's a form of pilgrimage which gives meaning to the act.<br /><br /><br />It seems fitting to pull something out of the same archived article to end this post. I had opened the article with the quote from USA Today, saying "Fans' teary eyes are all on 'Potter'." We can change that to say, "This week, fans' teary eyes are all on (insert favorite iconic figure who recently died here). In so doing, we can honor our emotions, not judge others for their emotions, and remember why we were so emotionally connected to that person.<br /><br /><br />Please be gentle with yourself.<br /><br /><br />DianaDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-32128320056716903702009-06-24T12:14:00.003-04:002009-07-02T16:18:47.026-04:00Grieving after a long-term illnessJoAnne Funch of Heartache to Healing was kind enough to post my article on Grieving After a Long-Term Illness. <a href="http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=538">http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=538</a><br /><br />If you lost a loved one after caring for them as they struggled with a long-term illness, this article may be helpful. Grieving caregivers face a unique set of challenges as they navigate the grief process. It's important to share your thoughts and feelings, and it's equally as important to practice self-care. Please follow the link provided above to find out more.<br /><br />You can follow me on Twitter: <a href="http://twitter.com/dianasebzda">http://twitter.com/dianasebzda</a> and you can follow JoAnne too, <a href="http://twitter.com/Joannefunch">http://twitter.com/Joannefunch</a>.<br /><br />Please be gentle with yourself. DianaDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-85367138047503238412009-06-11T09:38:00.004-04:002009-07-02T16:19:50.938-04:00Grief through a child's eyesMy new friend, JoAnne Funch, has a great website/blog called "Heartache to Healing." JoAnne has used her personal loss, pain and healing to help others who may be in a similar situation. Please visit her website and read her blog. I have included the link here to an article I wrote for her titled, "Grief Through a Child's Eyes." <a href="http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=492">http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=492</a><br /><br />As always, please be gentle with yourself. DianaDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-37644158884748619922009-05-07T13:44:00.003-04:002009-07-02T16:21:27.640-04:00Lessons in GriefIn Life -<br />We say little to those who mean so much to us . . .<br />In Death -<br />We say too much, too late, to those who meant so much to us.<br /><br />(c) 2009 John KruseDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-66803967434988427812009-03-17T14:15:00.001-04:002009-07-02T16:22:16.422-04:00Never Have To Say Good-byeWe notice that our pet is not acting quite right. We take our pet to the veterinarian to make sure everything is ok. Nothing serious, right? Our veterinarian is sorry to tell us that our pet has _________. Fill in the blank - Cancer, Renal Failure, Congestive Heart Failure – whatever . . . Our heart starts racing, our mind is racing – “What is he saying? This can’t be true?” We are now faced with a terminal prognosis for our pet. We listen while being told “options,” “choices,” “pharmaceutical therapies,” “surgery,” “euthanasia.” What?! Wait! Slow down! We need time to think. We need to get out of there!<br /><br />On our way home, we’re trying to process everything the vet just told us. What is the best choice for our pet? What would make our pet the happiest, the most comfortable, give the longest prognosis? What if money is a factor? This could potentially and unfairly cut our choices down even further. Then we’re dealing with the guilt that we are making major life decisions for our pet based on money. But let’s face it – if pets had health insurance like people do, it would be all good. Imagine if we didn’t have health insurance for ourselves or our family? Would we be able to get all the tests, scans and other procedures doctors recommend? This too is an unfortunate fact of life for some – but that’s a completely different blog topic.<br /><br />Whatever choices were made, now lead us to THE moment – THE decision – should we euthanize our pet? Help ease their suffering? Some pets make this choice for us and die on their own. Some seem to suffer so much that we feel it is kinder to help them in this way. There are people who can help with this kind of decision, because this is never an easy decision to make. The veterinarian is the best person to help with this decision. I find that no matter what decisions are made or how a pet dies, most pet owners will suffer guilt and regret. Always asking themselves, “Did I make the right choice?” “What if I chose this option instead?” “What if I got a second opinion earlier?” It’s really not much different than when a human dies. I believe it’s our human condition to do the "shoulda, coulda, woulda’s".<br /><br />We go through an anticipatory grief when we’re trying our best to make our pet comfortable while they struggle through their illness. If we are very attached to our pet, we may try everything there is to offer in an attempt to keep our pet with us for as long as possible. Then when the end does come, we enter into the real grief, which is fraught with anger, guilt and regret.<br /><br />For most, an endless tape of memory plays over and over again in our minds, replaying the last few moments of our pet’s life. It will take weeks to months for this endless reliving to subside. But it will subside – as the grief begins to subside. Gradually, the tape is replaced with different memories, happier memories, and we really know that we are moving forward when we can remember our pet and smile fondly, or even laugh a little. It’s in this remembering, that we can stay connected with our pet, even though their physical presence is no longer with us. It’s in this remembering that we realize that we never have to say good-bye.Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-91635869574956814222009-03-12T19:25:00.002-04:002009-07-02T16:23:20.442-04:00What Are You Planning?Have you thought about your death?<br /><br />How old will you be? How will it happen? Will it be sudden? Will it be a long, drawn out illness? Will it happen when your children are young or will they be older and taking care of you? Will you die at home, on a trip, in the hospital or in a nursing home? Will you predecease your spouse? What happens if you’re in a coma? Who will make the decisions for you? Will they make the decisions you would have liked them to make? Will you have a will? Who will you leave things too? Will you leave it to the state to decide the fate of your estate, family and pets? Are you still reading this, or are you saying, “Oh no, I’m not going there.”?<br /><br />There seem to be two different ways of thinking on this. You might be the kind of person who has no trouble thinking about life and death, is quite practical, has everything organized and decided, right down to the last detail of your funeral and burial. Or you may be the kind of person that feels extremely uncomfortable thinking about your mortality and would rather have your fingernails pulled out than make a plan for your care if you became incapacitated, make a will or think about your funeral.<br /><br />What about your obituary? Surely you’ve taken a peek to see who died, how they died, how old they were. Recently I saw two women’s obituaries. They both wrote them before they died. One was quite elaborate, stating all of her accomplishments, her awards, her education, and her charitable contributions throughout her life. It was probably one of the longest obits I have ever read. But, that was what she wanted and she wasn’t going to leave it to others to do it after the fact. The second one was very short and sweet, but no less powerful. She stated that all who knew her knew what she did in her life and those who didn’t know her wouldn’t care. She further stated that she wished to have no viewing, funeral or memorial. She had control of her life all the way through to the end.<br /><br />Control! We have none! We think we do, we try to have it – but when it really counts, we have no control over death. Life takes many twists and turns that we don’t expect nor even want at times, yet there it is. So the best way to take control of the uncontrollable is to be proactive. Make your plans as best you can, while you can. Don’t be afraid. Think about the future and what it may hold. What do you want?<br /><br />Have you ever been to a funeral or memorial and wondered what yours would be like? Would there be that many people? Who would do the eulogy and what would they say? What kind of music would they play? Would there be a lot of flowers, or would there be a lack of flowers due to donations made in your honor? These are the things we can have control over – NOW. Of course you can take care of all of this in your will or advanced directive, but there is a really great document called “Five Wishes” and it’s a very easy to read and complete form that will let others know how you want to be taken care of in case you can no longer speak for yourself. It further goes on to let others know how you want your arrangements in the event of your death, right down to the kind of music you want played, who will do your eulogy, what you want people to know about you and whether to have flowers or donations.<br /><br />So what are you planning?Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-56989757471412737642009-02-26T13:39:00.002-05:002009-07-02T16:24:03.696-04:00What's Your Emotional Voltage?Who hasn’t felt the sharp zap of static electricity as someone comes across the room and touches you? We learned as children that you can build up this electrical charge by scuffing your feet on the floor. The more scuffs you make, the bigger the shock. So there are small insignificant shocks or big, sometimes painful, shocks.<br /><br />What we feel when someone dies is very similar. Some grief feelings are small. Not really insignificant, but one is able to function normally, and others observing this individual may not even realize that this person had experienced a loss. Some grief feelings are HUGE! Incapacitating! There is no mistaking that the person having these feelings has lost someone, and there is no mistaking that their feelings are so enormous, they have the inability to hide them.<br /><br />Some people don’t understand why some seem to cope better in grief than others. Some families don’t understand why one family member is coping differently than the rest of the family. Some people have certain expectations on what it is to grieve and are frustrated and disappointed that they aren’t grieving the “right way.” Some people feel so frustrated with their grief response that they feel like they are going crazy.<br /><br />Why are there so many different grief responses? One of the reasons can be our relationship, our “emotional voltage,” to the person who died. How connected were we to this person? Were they an acquaintance that we saw maybe twice a year or were they your best friend? Were they a grandparent or were they your spouse? Were they your employer or were they your pet?<br /><br />We have many different relationships with the many different people in our lives and our emotional voltage to each one is just as different. Knowing this can help explain why a surviving spouse may be grieving differently than the children in the family. Or it may help explain why siblings may be reacting to the loss each in different ways than the other.<br /><br />If you find yourself grieving differently than those around you, ask yourself, “What is my emotional voltage?”Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-79802018281242656602009-02-13T10:52:00.001-05:002009-07-02T16:25:16.135-04:00Is There Tomorrow?It is not unusual for me to hear the stories of sudden deaths that take families and loved ones’ by surprise. It is also not unusual to hear, “I can’t believe they aren’t here anymore!” “I just spoke with them on the phone. How could this have happened?” “We just retired. We were going to do so much. We even planned a trip for next week!”<br /><br />We read about, and hear things like, “Live for today.” “Live with no regrets.” “Live as if you were dying.” I agree with these mantras and try to guide my clients into a lifestyle of “mindfulness” or “being present in the moment.” I have also recommended reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s books. He has a very easy reading style that presents this concept beautifully with simple exercises that the reader can follow to begin learning and incorporating mindfulness techniques in their daily lives.<br /><br />However, having this awareness through my work and trying to practice these techniques myself, still does not alleviate the surreal quality of having a loved one die suddenly. It can be quite scary to contemplate this phenomenon of having just had a conversation with someone who had made plans for the following week and then be told that they died suddenly. A relative, who was actively seeking treatment for cancer, dies suddenly. A friend who was waiting for a surgical procedure and was making plans for her recovery, dies suddenly. Even dealing with a loved one who has a long-term, serious or terminal illness, and then they die, can leave you with a feeling that it all happened too quickly.<br /><br />It IS scary and it IS sad to contemplate the big question WHY? But ultimately the message is that we simply do not know when our time is up. Do we stop making plans? Do we stop living? Do we stop loving? Of course not! So what makes us go on? Hope and Faith. Most people have a spiritual or faith belief and this can provide comfort to those who have lost a loved one. It is comforting to know that your loved one is in a better place. A safe place. A peaceful place. It can also be comforting to us if we believe there is this place for us as well. It can help release us from our fear of death and dying. But even if you don’t believe that there is something after we die, there is still Hope. Hope that there will be a tomorrow. Hope that we will accomplish our goals. Hope that we will die a peaceful death. And in the meantime, there is mindfulness. Since there are no guarantees and we don’t know from one day to the next if we have a tomorrow, we have to live in the present, in the now, in the moment, for today. And one way we can truly do that is through living a mindful existence.<br /><br />Enjoy the comfort of your bed and the warmth of your house as you get up the morning. Give thanks that you are getting up to face another day, even if it is fraught with challenges. Truly feel the softness of your pet’s fur. Really feel the touch of your loved one as you enfold each other in your arms. Feel each other’s warmth. Be grateful for the companionship and support. Really hear your child’s laugh. See the joy on their face as they experience the world around them. Be grateful for another day in their presence. Really taste your food. Enjoy the texture and the smells. If you do these things, at the end of the day, you can close your eyes with a sigh and know you lived a day well lived. If there is a tomorrow, we can rejoice and be mindful once more.Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-34146231000611746542009-01-25T10:46:00.001-05:002009-07-02T16:26:11.154-04:00It's never too late!There are so many people who think as they get older, they have missed opportunities in life. Some lament that it is too late for them, their time has passed. Not true! But there are some that are more difficult to convince then others. From my personal experiences, I know that it is never too late to go back to school, it's never too late to start writing that poem/novel/article, it's never too late to start a new enterprise, it's never too late to forgive and to love - it's just never too late. One person said, "It's not that you are a human being, it's that you are a human doing!" The only time it is too late is if you're dead - obvious right? With every breath you take, you inhale possibility! Think about that while I share a recent posting on my Facebook page. Enjoy and DO!<br /><br />A story that could inspire you for the rest of your life...<br /><br />Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday," I promised a little reluctantly on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into my daughter Carolyn's house, I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren. I told my daughter, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and my grandchildren that I want to see right now. I don't want to drive another inch!" My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this weather all the time, mother." "Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her. "But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this." "Carolyn," I said sternly, "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."<br /><br />So we went! After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, "Daffodil Garden ---->" We got out of the car, each of us took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers! "Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958." For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught me is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time. "It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!" My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said. She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"<br /><br />The Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....<br /><br />Until your car or home is paid off.<br />Until you get a new car or home.<br />Until your kids leave the house.<br />Until you go back to school.<br />Until you finish school.<br />Until you clean the house.<br />Until you organize the garage.<br />Until you clean off your desk.<br />Until you lose 10 lbs.<br />Until you gain 10 lbs.<br />Until you get married.<br />Until you get a divorce.<br />Until you have kids.<br />Until the kids go to school.<br />Until you retire.<br />Until summer.<br />Until spring.<br />Until winter.<br />Until fall.<br />Until you die...<br /><br />There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching. If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special (like I did to you!) Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day! Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. - Author unknownDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-18435068039015422602009-01-23T16:07:00.000-05:002009-01-23T16:25:37.771-05:00Let's try this again!I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over a year! I think I tried too hard to give a meaty, lesson filled article in each posting and burnt myself out. After reading my brother's blog, I noticed that he posted almost daily and most of his posts were brief, maybe some were even just one sentence. But they were meaty, lesson-filled sentences. The lesson for me was that hopefully I could provide insight, differing perspectives, thoughts, advice, suggestions, guidelines, to those in grief, in brief - but meaningful - postings. Let's try - although I reserve the right to get lengthy from time to time. :)<br /><br />A client came to see me today and was tearful and distraught. This client was doing so well, for so many weeks, that this "grief attack" took her completely by surprise and wanted to know what she was doing wrong in her grief that would produce such painful emotions, remembrances and tears. <br /><br />Now you know I'm going to say she didn't do anything wrong, right? Right! She had simply experienced an "emotional trigger." She had completed some of that nasty, necessary paperwork that comes with losing a loved one, and then saw a car on the road that looked just like his - BOOM! Down she went! <br /><br />The paperwork was one more nail in the coffin (sorry about that) to make her realize that her loved one was not coming back. It was the reality of the loss hitting her, yet once again. Then on the heels of this realization came the sight of the car. Another smack of reality - it's not his car. He's not the one driving. <br /><br />So what could I do to help her? Nothing, really. I let her know that although painful, this "grief attack" was normal. It's an unfortunate part of the grieving process that some people feel YEARS after the loss. It's like pushing your finger into a sore spot from time to time. Yup, it's still sore! The emotional triggers do lessen as time goes on, but they don't completely disappear. Not as long as we hold our loved ones in our hearts. <br /><br />So the only answer is this - be gentle with yourself when these grief attacks occur. When the emotional triggers happen - allow yourself to feel the feelings - honor the emotions. You truly do have to feel to heal. There is no way around it, only through it.<br /><br />Ok, so this was not one of those short, concise, meaning filled sentences. Maybe I'll have better luck on the next posting! <br /><br />DianaDianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-66612032669042048332007-08-31T10:49:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.204-04:00Interfaith Memorial Service<P><IMG src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOXfYJS6tBMdQLyCgJxFf1bTLYqHePwDN2_bFbx2CLB4e5pEWraxdCde7ddHQRBTRE8SW-3Y-VS5C6eUgvZ4oEqj2KiD5TJcs3OLSh6BHzrLi4Gv0ty8xF-VxyuSeC0IIOCZE9ppo-cNY/s1600-r/pic%3Fid=24704Bi9BhvhUOQDj7XreZ1yCAFtySHBzOEhv4xQp5Fd3Ig=&size=m"/></P>
<P>We would like to extend an invitation to attend our annual Interfaith Memorial Service, held on Monday, September 17, 2007 at 7:30 p.m. at Presbyterian Church of Newton, High Street, New Jersey. This memorial service is open to anyone in the community who wishes to commemorate loved ones who have died. It will be an evening to remember, to gain strength and comfort. There will be clergy from the Catholic, Protestant and Jewish faiths. We will have songs, readings, and a candle-lighting ceremony. </P>
<P>You may send a loved one's name to be included in our brochure and to be read during the service. As your loved one's name is read, you may come up to light a candle in remembrance of them. It is a beautiful and honoring ceremony. </P>
<P>If you would like to attend, and/or have a loved one's name included in the ceremony, please send the following to the Joseph T. Quinlan Bereavement Center, c/o Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice, 99 Sparta Avenue, Newton, New Jersey 07860, Attention: Diana Sebzda:</P>
<P>Your name, address and telephone number. Your loved one's name, their relationship to you and a phonetic spelling for pronunciation, if necessary. If you wish to send a donation, that would be greatly appreciated and acknowledged. </P>
<P>You may also call in this information at 800-882-1117 or e-mail at <A href="mailto:Bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org"><FONT color=#1b5cb0>Bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org</FONT></A>.</P>
<P> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-74088164414970274432007-07-27T13:18:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.205-04:00Grieving the loss of fictional characters<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I read, with interest, the article published in the July 12th edition of USA Today.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It was titled, “Fans’ teary eyes are all on ‘Potter’ – Saying goodbye to characters and series, can cause some real-life grief.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The much anticipated arrival of the final book is here.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, by the time I post this article, some of the more ambitious readers will know which characters were sacrificed for literary glory.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Too well I remember the sadness I felt when I read Charlotte’s Web as a child and learned of Charlotte’s demise.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When we grow up, we seem to be protected, to some degree, of life’s lessons, such as sickness and death.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Charlotte’s Web was the most memorable demise of a character to me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Of course, there IS Bambi!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Today, the ongoing debate continues as to whether this film is appropriate for children to watch because of Bambi’s mother’s horrific death.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And then there are the HUNTERS!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Oh no!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">As I got older, I got sucked into the Clan of the Cave Bear Series (please don’t judge me) and still to this day hope that Jean Auel will produce one more tome to satisfy my curiosity about what happens to Ayla, Jondular and their baby.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Does she meet her son?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Us Enquiring Minds need to know!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And howmany romance novel readers are out there?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Who hasn’t got sucked into a Nora Roberts series and felt the sad disappointment of not being able to continue reading about these lives that we became emotionally invested in?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">So if we adults are prone to this kind of sadness when a series ends, or a fictional character dies, than how are the children supposed to handle these emotions?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I don’t think avoidance is the answer.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>These books and movies provide great teachable moments to our children about the different things life has to offer – the good AND the bad.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I always like to talk about the movie with the younger ones, in the car, on the drive home.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I ask TONS of questions – “What was your favorite part?” “What was your least favorite and why?” “What did you learn from the movie, if anything?”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you, as the adult, know there was an important message and the children aren’t getting it – they can be gently prodded in that direction by your questions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If the topic of death, dying or other unpleasant topics come up, you can answer them appropriately using the movie they have just seen as a guideline.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The USA Today article stated that “no one has the right to scorn someone else’s grief, even if it’s for a fictional character . . .” They went on to describe the emotional outpouring of global grief when Princess Diana had died and further stated, “It’s not any more of a pretend emotion to mourn a fictional character than to mourn a princess you never met who subject you were not.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>With that in mind, you<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>may be better equipped to know what kind of help and emotional support to offer to your child when their favorite fictional character meets with an untimely death.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0in">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-17993764376980007162007-07-13T13:54:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.205-04:00Dealing with death and loss as we grow older<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I would like to start first with the definitions of Grief and Loss:</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Grief – The normal process of reacting to a loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as a divorce), or occupational (such as a job).</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Loss – The disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Now, I would like to explore the typical symptoms of grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I don’t want to make you go to the beginning of my blogs, so we’ll just go over some of the basics.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Grief can affect our behavior, thoughts, emotions and bodies.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Often there are more than one symptom experienced in each category and often there are symptoms experienced in all categories at the same time.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Some symptoms that we can experience, especially as an older person:</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Behavioral:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, crying, nightmares, sighing, listlessness, absent mindedness, social withdrawal and extreme quietness.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Cognitive:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Inability to concentrate, difficulty making a decision, self-destructive thoughts, low self-image, preoccupation, confusion and disbelief.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Emotional:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Anger, guilt, sadness, depression, helplessness, fear, loneliness and anxiety.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Physical:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, increased illness, empty feeling in body, tightness in chest, muscle weakness and stomachaches.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Next, let’s look at the types of losses we can experience in our lives as we grow older.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Death:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As we grow older, the deaths of loved ones become inevitable.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Often death can occur in the natural order of things, such as a pet may die or a parent may die, but many times death does not follow the natural order of things and we may experience the death of a spouse, a sibling or a friend.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Independence:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As life changes around us, we may find that we have to make decisions that will alter our ability to stay living in an independent nature.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Our families may take on the role of decision maker in regard to our finances, healthcare and environmental living conditions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Health:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s a fact of life that as we grow older, our health may deteriorate as well.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We may begin to have achy joints, arthritis, osteoporosis, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We may find that as a result of these health changes we are no longer able to perform at the level we used to.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Energy:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Often our energy levels are not as high as they were in our younger days.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We find we often have to take breaks to catch our breath, or rest due to fatigue.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We might also find that we can not stay active for as long as we were able to before.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Appearance:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I know, this is vain – but it’s a human fact of life that most of us are in a constant battle against wrinkles and graying, thinning hair.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As the signs of aging become physically evident, we find ourselves struggling to accept the fact that we have no control over this aging business.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Home:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When we can no longer stay in our home due to failing health, or perhaps due to the death of a spouse and finances no longer enable us to stay in the home, we are forced to sell our home and move.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The move may be to a smaller condo or apartment, or even a step-facility where we have to downsize considerably and leave a place that holds so many memories.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Finances:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>There are times when our failing health costs us tremendous amounts of money in doctors’ visits, medications or perhaps surgeries.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We may not have the same medical insurance we used to and have exorbitant out of pocket expenses.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Perhaps our financial planning wasn’t up to snuff and we find our retirement funds dwindling due to high cost of living and other unexpected expenses.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Or we may find ourselves in a stressful financial situation due to the death of a spouse who was the main bread-winner in the family.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Spiritual:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When we experience losses of any kind, we may find ourselves experiencing a spiritual crisis.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>That loss of faith that we used to rely on – believe in, can leave us in a very lonely place.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Retirement:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Many individuals have a very hard time in retirement.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Traditionally, it is looked upon with anticipation and enjoyment, waiting for the day to finally come when we can realize all of our dreams and plans.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We often plan to occupy our time with all the hobbies that we wanted to do and never found the time while employed, or plan extensive travel plans with our spouses to enjoy some quality time now that there are no familial or career pressures.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, the reality is that we may find a lot of time on our hands and we may not know how to fill it and find ourselves questioning our self-worth and productivity.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is a time where statistics show that depression can be high and relationships can become quite stressed.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">What happened to those symptoms of grief that we were talking about?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I didn’t forget – I would like you to reflect on these types of losses I just described and imagine how you would feel, or think about how you have felt, when experiencing these losses.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Write down the words that come to mind when you think about the deaths in your life, your independence, health, your energy levels, appearance, your home, finances, spirituality and your retirement, if applicable.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>For me, I think of fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger, depression and doubt.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Take this list of words and go back to the symptoms of grief – notice anything?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You don’t have to experience a loss just through death to experience some of these symptoms of grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It is described as “as we grow older, we experience little losses or ‘little deaths.’”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Before I go on about this new concept of “little deaths” let’s take a look a look at the types of death we could experience.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Parental:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This would follow in the natural order of things, but can still be experienced as a painful loss, particularly if we had a close relationship with our parent.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Also, if we were the primary caregiver for our parent, we may feel the loss more acutely because they were such a big part of our everyday living.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Spousal:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Again, this loss may be felt more acutely if we had a close relationship with our spouse.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Some spouses do everything together and the loss of our spouse leaves us alone and without social support.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Child:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is a loss that definitely does not follow in the natural order of things.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is one of the most painful losses a person can endure.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Family Member:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This too, can be a loss that does not follow the natural order of things.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This could be a sibling, in-law, cousin, niece and nephew, etc.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Pet:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Although this may be a loss that follows in the natural order of things, just by the nature that we typically outlive our pets, it still can be experienced as a very painful loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Particularly if the pet was treated like a child, or if the pet was the sole companion for a person.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Friend:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The loss of a friend can be very painful.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Particularly if this was our best friend, our only social support or our confidante.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The uncomfortable aspect of losing one of our friends is that it tends to make us face our own mortality.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The complication we can find ourselves in is when we experience these “little deaths” and then we also experience one of these other types of death.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When someone experiences back to back losses, or has not resolved a loss issue before another one comes along, we can experience complicated grief or mourning.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Symptoms of complicated grief are:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>chronic symptoms of grief, exaggerated symptoms of grief, delayed symptoms of grief and masked symptoms of grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you’re not sure if you have complicated grief, you can ask yourself a few questions. </P>
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<OL style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type=1>
<LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">How long have you been feeling the effects of grief?</LI>
<LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Are your grief reactions interfering with your activities of daily living?</LI>
<LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Did your grief reactions surface after some time has passed since your loss?</LI>
<LI class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Are you experiencing symptoms that you think are NOT related to your loss?</LI></OL>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">There are other bereavement issues we can face besides complicated grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Such as, when we are forced to face our own mortality.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This can be particularly bothersome as we grow older and more friends die.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Often, people find themselves with no friends and no social supports and then begin to wonder why they are still here and what are they supposed to do now.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Facing our own mortality can lead to fear, anxiety and depression.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">As we grow older we also start to question our productivity and generativity.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This simply means that we are not sure how productive we can be anymore and wonder what we could possibly contribute to society.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This line of thinking can lead us to devalue ourselves or fear that society devalues us as well.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We can have low self-esteem, low self-image and this too can lead to anxiety, depression and we may find ourselves withdrawing from the world around us.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Part of devaluation is the thought that we are not valued by the people in our lives.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We feel that we are burdens to our family and as we begin to lose our independence and family takes over more of the decision making for us, we begin “learned helplessness.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s almost as if the fight has left us and we don’t want to cause any more hassles or be any more of a burden than we already are, so we just clam up and go with the flow – whether it’s what we want or not.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Finally, when we start to experience these “little deaths”, actual death, complicated grief and other bereavement issues, these can all lead to “bereavement overload.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Unless, we can find some good coping strategies, we may go down a dangerous path of depression, decreased health and social isolation.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">A good perspective on coping strategies is to think of them as prevention for avoiding bereavement overload.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Firstly, <B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">focus on your health</B>.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Are you taking good care of yourself?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Pay attention to your nutrition and exercise (within your capabilities, of course).<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Keep regular visits with your doctor, take your prescribed medications, keep track of your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood glucose levels.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">Maintain a sense</B> <B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">of self</B>.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You have value and you have a lot to contribute to your family, to society and to the world.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You have an important role as an older person.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You have younger generations looking up to you as a role model, as a story teller, as the person to hand down family and cultural information to continue the family legacy. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of characteristics or ideals would you like to promote?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>How do you want to be remembered?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>What kind of meaning do you want from your life?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>What kind of footprints will you leave behind?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The more active you become physically and mentally, the more you will be able to maintain your independence.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">If you have any regrets, now is the time to change things, to make amends.</B></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If you would like more resources, I hope you find the following links helpful:</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><A href="http://www.karenannquinlanhospice.org/">www.karenannquinlanhospice.org</A></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><A href="http://www.livingto100.com/">www.livingto100.com</A></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><A href="http://www.aarp.org/">www.aarp.org</A><SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>(1-888-687-2277), 601 E. Street NW, Washington, DC 20049</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">Remember – “. . . But the greatest of human possibilities remain to the very end of life. . .” By Robert Butler</B>.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-20281527357514361322007-07-02T13:36:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.206-04:00Suicide Survivors<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><IMG src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik0ViEL3LoDXkjCiJnzwANFCGY3dob5LHNJq4RMrD54MsOLAYGeDnGfL3DckdEqqRLrW1eN2tIy9-Z2RJPdaq9q2s1eqsOLp4KFBe9pOReuy_aWxtynKhFYFedtyS8ieFmwCE-k9THgc0/s1600-r/pic%3Fid=24704Bi9BhvhUOQDj7XreZ1yCDmVR66S2mGuv4xQp5Fd3Ig=&size=m"/></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“If he loved me as much as he said he did, why did he kill himself?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why would he do this to me?”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>“I know my dad was sick, but how can someone be so sick that they don’t care about their kids anymore?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Didn’t he know how sad I would be?”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“They said it was suicide, but I think it might have been an accident.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>My sister would never have killed herself on purpose.”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“He knew I was on my way to his house.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s as if he purposely killed himself at that moment so that I would be the one to find him.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why would a father do that to his son?”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“I came home from school and found her dead on the couch.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I got scared and called my dad, but we couldn’t save her.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They said she took too many pills.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I don’t understand that.”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“We never fight.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But we did that night.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Those angry words were the last words I said to him and now he killed himself.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>How do I live with that?”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">These are all people that have one thing in common – they are Suicide Survivors.<SPANstyle="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>A Suicide Survivor is not someone who tried to complete suicide and survived.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They are the loved ones left behind to grieve the loss of someone who has completed suicide.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Whenever someone loses a loved one, it is extremely painful, but there seems to be some losses that are a bit more complicated than others.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Losing a child is one example, losing a loved one to suicide is another example.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why should losing a loved one to suicide be more complicated?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Because of all the questions that have no answers, the guilt, the anger and the blame.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Not only is a suicide survivor dealing with typical grief issues, but they have all this other stuff going on as well.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">When we counsel someone who is going through the grief process we advocate the use of support systems to help talk about the loved one and cry about the loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>In most cases, this can be a difficult task because the griever does not want to burden their family or friends.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>For a suicide survivor this task is even more difficult because it can be difficult talking about the suicide.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Perhaps they fear that they will be judged, or their loved one will be judged.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Also, the details of the death may be difficult to talk about.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People often share how their loved one died, but in the case of suicide, these details can make people quite uncomfortable and the suicide survivor picks up on these subtle cues and learns to keep these details to themselves.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">When you take away these support systems from grievers, there is no way for them to movethrough the grief process and everythingstays bottled up inside.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This can lead to a prolonged grief process, physical and emotional reactions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is where a grief counselor can be most effective.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The suicide survivor needs to talk about their loved one and the details of the loved one’s death.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I try to provide an environment where they feel safe, where they feel they can say anything they want and they won’t be stopped or judged.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Many times, that is all they need, just to be able to say all their thoughts and feelings OUT LOUD.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I also try to provide an educational setting where the suicide survivor can eventually accept that their loved one’s death was not the survivor’s fault, but a choice made by their loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I wish there were one case that I could share, but the nature of the suicide survivor is that they often maintain a relationship with me, as needed, throughout the years.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I believe this is due to the complicated nature of their grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Are there success stories?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Sure!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If a suicide survivor can learn to decrease the expectations they have of themselves in grief, they are a success story.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If they learn to shift the responsibility of their loved one’s death off of themselves and onto the loved one, they are a success story.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If they are able to share the memories of their loved one, without fear of being judged, they are a success story.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If they can remember ALWAYS that we do the best we can, with the information we have, at that time, they are a success story. <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Most importantly, if they can learn to love and trust again, they are a success story.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-71872603267024351592007-06-22T11:26:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.206-04:00Children and Art Therapy<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><IMG src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVOSh4-pQDWL1-ZEVaWSsmJF16eGqcjNTYuSqxwHZgYuI0uPklAI1zpK_t21Vu__HrDkqhvEjSFWGSoqFrGIvJi8RmVU821VTnjxXIJomWt2oFzBNzrMLsxbTkzExhqGi9At3-17cXr4c/s1600-r/pic%3Fid=24704Bi9BhvhUOQDj7XreZ1yCFeKfgJaAD6cv4xQp5Fd3Ig=&size=m"/></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">When observing a child, one can typically see playfulness, smiles, laughter and sheer joy in the world around them.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Children live in the moment; every thought, every feeling, easily readable upon their faces.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>That is why they are such a pleasure to watch.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We adults can relive those carefree, playful moments through them.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The child does not yet realize that the world can be a harsh and demanding place.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Until someone they love has died.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Their expressions are no less readable then.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When a child is grieving, one can typically see tears, fear, sadness and anger.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The world where they had once been carefree now has been shaken, and the unfailing trust they had in the world, has now been irrevocably altered.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">As a grief counselor, I feel for all of my clients in their pain, but it is the young people that affect me the most.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Logically, I know that children are not exempt from the pain of losing a loved one, but it still does not seem fair that their innocent world should be changed in such a way.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It saddens me to see a child who is so depressed that they seem to be physically trying to draw themselves inward, away from the world.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Or so sad that they cannot muster a smile, or enthusiasm, for the things that once brought them happiness.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Also, to see a child so angry; anger that can be seen in their eyes, in their defiant manner, in their abusiveness to their siblings and friends.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Children are often frustrated by these feelings because they do not like feeling this way, but are unable to stop or understand it.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Depending on the age of the child, they are often unable to put their thoughts and feelings into words.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This inability to express their emotions can lead to behavioral and health issues.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Many of the children that come to us complain of headaches and stomachaches, and the parents, or teachers, usually describe a decline in study habits and acting out behaviors.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It is critical that a child has support and help to be able to externalize these internal thoughts and feelings.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Art therapy is an excellent way to connect with children and give them an opportunity to express their emotions in a safe and healthy way.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Our support groups and individual counseling sessions are designed to offer these opportunities to young people.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Through the use of creativity, the children can become involved in a variety of art projects that help give voice to what they are feeling.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It never ceases to amaze me when a young person is very reluctant to talk to me, yet when they become involved in an art project, I can see them visibly relax and they are able to open up and share.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>For the very young, I think they even take themselves by surprise when they realize they are offering more than they had intended.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Any time I work with young people, I am humbled and privileged by the act of their choosing to trust me with their most painful and personal thoughts and feelings.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I know it can be difficult for a parent to be able to offer honest information regardingdying, death and grief, so often it is just avoided in the home. <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I try to offer an environment where the young people know this is the place where they can come and ask anything they need to without fear of being shut down or judged.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Through my experiences, I feel that children are capable of hearing the truth, in an age appropriate manner – and even appreciate being given the information.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I would like to share a recent case that was very rewarding to me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have been working with an eight-year-old girl who lost her father to cancer.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Through our sessions, and the use of art therapy, she has been able to share her anger toward God, her frustrations at being the eldest sibling and her inability to focus at school due to her sadness.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>During one of our most recent sessions, we were making beaded bracelets.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Most young people make bracelets for family members, friends or in memory of their loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>She made a bracelet for me!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The bracelet stood for “creativity”, “love”, and “strength.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When I asked why she picked out those words for me she explained, “Creativity – because you are creative and always think of fun things for us to do.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Love – because you have to have lots of love to be able to do this kind of work and want to help other people who are hurting.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And Strength – because you gained strength after your mom died.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Wow!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Her mother also shared that she is using the same concepts she learned in our Children’s Support Group to help a friend who is struggling with a loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Wow!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">This is what it is all about.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Helping a young person put a smile back on their face.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Helping them learn resiliency and to regain the ability to reinvest in life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Helping them learn to identify and externalize their thoughts and feelings.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Helping them learn healthy coping strategies.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you get a bracelet and a hug also, well that just sweetens the pot.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"></SPAN> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-62710301782173514682007-06-01T11:20:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.207-04:00Are you a pet owner?<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><IMG style="WIDTH: 157px; HEIGHT: 89px" height=97 src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjQ6JDVwn9hqopgd8xs9c6umQWbmJw2eg7nkiWYki6x8dGNF_61o08X8ZmUxrs1pmON01EHe-v7XPVLX-jr5lv1pa9fKx5atCfky-dbomuE-Rxw6VoG_lIZI1KrPPEFldXEs_-_qCv39k/s1600-r/pic%3Fid=24704Bi9BhvhUOQDj7XreZ1yCGiY4RXfny3av4xQp5Fd3Ig=&size=m" width=402/></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If you are a pet owner, then you already know how intertwined our pets can be in our daily lives.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s often not until they are gone do we truly realize how much of our daily lives they were a part of.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This can be particularly true if in our pet’s final days, they were very sick and required extensive care from us.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Pet owners may feel their pet’s loss most acutely when it was time to be fed and their pets performed special rituals that we adored in order to be fed, on their terms and on their schedule. <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Another time that their loss can be acutely felt is when we arrived home from a long day at work and our pets had a special way of greeting us at the door, and seemed to wipe out the stress of our busy day.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Then again, as we relaxed during the evening and our pets came for the daily snuggle or cuddle.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Or finally, when it was bed time and we couldn’t get to sleep without feeling the warmth and heaviness of their bodies lying across our legs, or on our bladders.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Most of us not daring to disturb our pets, or their comfort, in spite of our discomfort.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It is this kind of care and devotion to our special pets that we miss when they are gone.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">You need support for this loss, just as in any other type of loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You need to talk about your pet, share your memories and your pictures, with anyone who will listen and appreciate how special your pet was. <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Pet loss support groups are ideal for this kind of support.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have personally experienced a unique difference in people who have experienced a pet loss versus a human loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Pet owners almost always bring pictures of their pets to the first visit of a counseling session, or on the first day of group, to share with others and to tell the story of their beloved pet.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As pet owners we want everyone to know why this pet was so special.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">As an animal lover, I say that all pets are special.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>In support of my opinion, current marketing statistics reveal that more people are treating their pets like family members, in particular, like their own children.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As such, more veterinarians, and their staff, are becoming trained in anticipatory grief and bereavement support for their clients.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If the veterinary facilities are lacking this type of support, a pet owner who has suffered a loss, has the option of calling a variety of pet loss hotlines.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>To list a few:<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Tufts University Pet Loss Support Hotline, Monday through Friday from 6 to 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 508-839-7966, or <A href="http://www.tufts.edu/vet/petloss">www.tufts.edu/vet/petloss</A>;<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>CONTACT of Burlington County, New Jersey, 24 hour access, 800-404-7387 for NJ residents and 800-234-4688 for all others; Iams Pet Loss Support Center and Hotline, weekdays between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 888-332-7738; Chicago Veterinary Medical Association Pet Loss Support Hotline, 630-325-1600, all long distance phone calls will be returned collect.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">In addition, many companies are offering different products to address the varying needs of the grieving pet owner community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>There are many options to choose from such as a memorial quilt made with pictures of their pet, scrapbooking, journaling, memory boxes, plantings, memorial service or a burial with a special statue or stone.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Memorial Markers can be found at <A href="http://www.amazon.com/">www.amazon.com</A> and memorial candles can be found at <A href="http://www.furryangel.com/">www.furryangel.com</A>. If your pet was cremated, another popular trend is wearing jewelry that contains a portion of the pet’s cremains or having a stone made with the cremains.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One site that offers this service is <A href="http://www.whisperintheheart.com/">www.whisperintheheart.com</A>.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>A pet owner may even want to make a donation to an animal shelter, university, or an organization that is conducting research on a specific disease or disorder,<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>in the pet’s memory.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">At this time, I would like to invite anyone who is in the area to participate in our next scheduled Pet Loss Support Group.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It will be held Monday, June 18, 2007 from 11:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. in the Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice building at 99 Sparta Avenue, Newton, NJ 07860.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>There is a $5.00 registration fee, and pre-registration is required.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This will be a time of sharing and support and one of the topics for discussion will be the use of journaling as a way to help with the grief, and as a way to honor and remember your pet.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-88406060972070276192007-05-16T22:20:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.207-04:00FAQ's<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><IMG src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnBnQP5hXqlugYRzN0DasAoESth5HOO37-qX0lzxYysIMaTo62p714qb2PraUVI9mZLvtRrCqNeBOiCQz15VnVvkDcs6FXV24Xwm1A_kBTpI3A1HRM5qV1ogdvmtlJbGYEA4RFXTaXbAw/s1600-r/pic%3Fid=24704Bi9BhvhUOQDj7XreZ1yCLBORe20Dq7Lv4xQp5Fd3Ig=&size=m"/>My vacuum wasn’t working right this past weekend and I couldn’t find where I put the manual.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Hey, there’s always Google.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Which is exactly where I found my vacuum’s website and their troubleshooting section.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As I was navigating the website, I could feel that I was getting closer to my particular issue with each passing click of the mouse.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Then I hit the FAQ’s section.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Most of us are familiar with this section of what seems all customer service areas.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>FAQ’s are Frequently Asked Questions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It seems most subjects have these FAQ’s.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If one has the patience, you can usually find your question and the matching answer.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If all else fails, you can still contact customer service.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Grief isn't so different. There seems to be some commonalities among grievers.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This isn’t a bad thing, because it lets the griever know that they are not alone, that they are not going crazy, that they are not weird.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One common theme among grievers is the question “why?”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>“Why” for a lot of reasons.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why did my loved one die? <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why didn’t the doctors diagnose this sooner?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why didn’t I push to get them to thedoctor?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why didn’t I see the signs?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why didn’t I do things differently? And the biggest Why?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why did God let this happen?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why does God let children get sick and why does he let them die?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why did God take my loved one?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why couldn’t God take me instead?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why would God take a parent away from a child?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why would God take many people in one family?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And one death after another?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>There are so many questions directed towards God, and I often hear, “When I get to heaven, I’m going to have a little chat with God and find out why he did all these things.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I couldn’t help imagining that God is up there sitting on a throne, and there is a line of people stretching longer than the eye can see, disappearing into the clouds.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They are all there to ask their “why.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, a lot of the questions are similar where it pertains to the loss of a loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>So being the busy guy that he is, he probably would have a list of FAQ’s.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I also imagine the FAQ’s are posted on the pearly gates, so that before you enter heaven you would check the list to see if your question has been answered already before heading off into the line.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Another counselor told me that she believes that our loved ones become spirit and that when you become spirit, the need to have your questions answered disappears.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Almost as if once you become spirit, you have an all-knowing and understanding of what your life was and all the “whys.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Whatever it is, I do know that there are a lot of unanswered questions when we lose a loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Some questions we will never have the answers for in our lifetime, and there is no customer service to bail us out.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Part of the grief process is coming to some sort of terms with this and being able to move forward.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s human nature to want to know the answers to our questions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We crave understanding to be able to accept what has happened in our lives.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Loss, in particular, is something we don’t want to accept.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>For me, to accept something means that I’m ok with it.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People are rarely “ok” with losing a loved one.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I prefer to say that part of the grief process is learning to live with the loss, or assimilating the loss into your life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Whenever you “learn” about something, you change and grow.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Learning to assimilate the loss into your life is no different.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We never forget the loved ones who have died, but it does change you and you do grow as a person from the experience.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If your question isn’t on the FAQ list, you have to learn to assimilate the loss into your life without the answers and without customer service.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Please be gentle with yourself,</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this article, or previous articles, helpful, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to the Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit agency and we operate solely on donations from the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Any donation, no matter how great or how small, is greatly appreciated and will be acknowledged.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-22398926938276258022007-04-13T11:14:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.208-04:00Should my child attend the viewing or the funeral?<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">When asked this question, my first response is, “What does the child want to do?”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If the child doesn’t want to attend, I suggest gently exploring the child’s reasons.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It may be they just don’t have adequate or correct information about what a viewing or funeral is to make the best decision for themselves.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Their decision may be based on falsehoods or ideas they received from movies, television, stories heard from friends or attitudes about the death that had been role modeled by the adults in their life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Answering a few simple questions from you may help them in their decision to attend.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The next question I usually ask is, “How old are they?”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This helps in providing age-appropriate information.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This developmental guideline will help in knowing how they perceive death and dying, and as such, know how to explain these concepts in terms they can understand.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You can refer to my posting dated May 29, 2006 titled, “Children and Grief” to learn more about children’s developmental perspectives on death.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If the decision is made to let the child attend, then make sure you take the time to explain everything they may encounter in that situation so they will be prepared.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If it’s a viewing they will be attending, let them know what a funeral home is and what it will typically look like.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Let them know about viewing the body, what the body may look like, how it may feel, that the body will be laying in a coffin and what is a coffin.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Usually a discussion about what it means to be dead is had before you get this far, because depending on their age, you may need to re-explain that death means you can’t feel anymore.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Let them know about the different reactions they may see people having.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Let them know that there is no right or wrong way to feel.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Let them know that it is ok to cry, laugh or play.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Let them know that it is ok for you to cry and for them not to be worried.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Have a back-up plan in case they are unable to handle the event once they get there, or perhaps you become too grief stricken to attend to the child.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Usually it is suggested to have a relative or trusted friend, available to take the child to another room, or back home.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The same explanation process holds true for the funeral.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They will have questions and curiosity about coffins, being buried or being cremated.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you need help with the correct terminology, or how to initiate these types of conversations, feel free to contact me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have many resources that can be helpful with these situations.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Always, the best rule of thumb is to provide honest, age-appropriate information.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Children have active imaginations and will fill in their own blanks about a situation if information isn’t provided to them from the adults in their life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Often what they come up with is worse than the truth.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Children can be very capable of handling most information.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, after advising parents on this question, I always defer to what the parents feel will be best for their children.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>After all, they know their child better than anyone.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I’ll give you an example of a scenario that can be possible for your children, based off of recent personal experiences.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2006.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>She spent many days in the hospital, endured many days of chemo, lost her hair, lost a lot of weight, became weaker and fatigued with each passing month, until her death in February.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Her youngest daughter and son-in-law have a 5 ½ year old daughter and a 7 year old son.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When Grandma was first diagnosed and in the hospital, the children were told, by their parents, that Grandma is sick and the doctors are trying to make her better.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They were encouraged to make frequent visits to the hospital and their curiosity and questions about the hospital environment were answered very matter-of-factly.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The parents role modeled appropriate behaviors expected in the hospital and toward their Grandma.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The parents continued to role model appropriate behaviors toward their Grandma when she came home, lost her hair, became thinner and weaker.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They still continued to visit just as much as they used to and made her many get-well cards.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">These children also had a prior, recent experience with loss when their pet dog died.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Their parents explained that death is a part of life and that every living thing will one day die.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They also explained that most people and animals die of old age, like their dog.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Their dog was cremated and a basic explanation about what that meant was provided.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Because this was done, they readily accepted the receipt of their dog in a wooden box that now sits in a special place on their mantel.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>On occasion, they take their dog on “walks” by carrying around her ashes.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Based on the family’s spiritual beliefs, the children know that their dog’s soul is in heaven, and they believe she is happy and running around.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Based on these experiences, their grieving process, and the explanations that were provided to them, they were able to accept Grandma’s death more easily.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They knew that Grandma had a type of sickness that the doctors couldn’t fix.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They knew it wasn’t a sickness that everyone gets, and it’s a sickness that’s very different from being sick with a cold.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You don’t have to teach your children about all the ways a person can die, or the different ages that people can die.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Just use the teachable moments as they happen to enter your child’s life and take it from there.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">These children did want to go to the funeral and their parents did explain to them what to expect.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They were encouraged to write a letter or make a card to put in the casket with Grandma.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This was done because although we all knew that Grandma had cancer, she was actively seeking treatment and her death was sudden and unexpected, which left a lot of things unsaid by the family.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>After the first day of the viewing, Grandma’s casket was filled with letters, pictures, cards and the 5 ½ year old made paper flowers to put in the casket with her Grandma.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Grandma looked festive and well-loved.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Both children also observed the behaviors of the adults present that first day.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The 5 ½ year old approached the casket and said, “Hi Grandma” then knelt down at the railing, bowed her head, clasped her hands together and prayed.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>She then got up and ran to the next room to play.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> The</SPAN> 7 year old did the same as his sister, but he also observed that many of the adults were crying and carrying around tissues.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>So when he got up from the casket, he reached for a tissue and started to dab at his eyes, while looking up at his dad to make sure he was doing the right thing.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Even though he truly wasn’t crying, his dad put an arm around him and said, “I know buddy, it’s ok to be sad.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As the day progressed, the family members became less visibly upset and upon observing this, the 7 year old announced, “I’m glad people aren’t sad anymore.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s ok you know, we’re all going to die someday, even me.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The grief counselor in me was most impressed, and I gave him a huge hug and told him how much I loved him.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He broke away from my hug and looked at me strangely, perhaps wondering why that response from him would elicit such a response from me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>To him, he stated an obvious truth.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He was quite comfortable with this fact of life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He ended the evening by approaching the casket and saying, “See you tomorrow Grandma.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Have fun in heaven tonight.”</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The next day showed they were no less prepared.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As we gathered to say our final good-byes to Grandma, before going to the church for the funeral service, many family members became visibly upset again as each one approached the casket.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Upon seeing her older cousin crying at the casket, the 5 ½ year old joined him, put an arm across his back and looked up into his face.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Saying nothing, she just patted his back.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He gratefully held her as he cried and they got up to leave together.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>How does a 5 ½ year old know that just being there for someone in pain can be just as powerful and healing as words?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>She modeled the behaviors that were role-modeled to her by the adults in her life.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Once we got to the church, the children asked their mother when they would see Grandma again.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When they realized they wouldn’t actually get to see her in the physical sense anymore, they beganto cry.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But their mother reminded them that Grandma was in heaven, just like their dog.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>She also reminded them that Grandma was going to be cremated, just like their dog was.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And just like their dog, Grandma would have a special place on their mantel.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>These explanations and beliefs seemed to help ease their sorrow.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We did wonder if Grandma would now join them whenever they decided to take their dog for a “walk” again.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But as the children work through their grief process, the need to “walk” their dog, and Grandma, will become less and less.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If more children felt this comfortable about death and dying, we’d have a more supportive world in our adult years.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Should your child attend a viewing or a funeral?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Ultimately, it’s up to you, the parent, to know what your child can handle, but know the key is what kind of role model in grief are you able to provide to your child.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-85871872054922940732007-03-22T11:01:00.000-04:002008-10-09T10:54:19.208-04:00What do we need during grief?<P>Hi all, I apologize for not posting in a great while. To be perfectly honest, my mother-in-law passed away on February 25th and I have not been able to get my head back into the game. I realize that I have been extremely delinquent in posting, so I wanted to offer this article that I was going to submit to some papers and magazines. I hope many will find this helpful and I thank you for your understanding until I can get back into the swing of things.</P>
<P> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">What do we need during grief</B></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">As a grief counselor, I would say we need a lot of things, but one thing in particular – time.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Society has an idea of how long it should take a person to “get over” their loss.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One of the most common ideas is that one should be done grieving after a year.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Many companies offer a bereavement leave of 3 days, IF the loss was immediate family.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Fewer days are offered if the loss was extended family – and probably none if the loss was a friend or pet.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Anyone who has experienced a significant loss will probably feel that these are inaccurate timelines in grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Grief, in general, can be experienced in a variety of ways.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If a person were experiencing sleep disturbances, appetite changes, poor grades, nightmares, dreams of the loved one, sighing, listlessness, low motivation, clinginess, social withdrawal, fighting, and regressive behaviors (bed-wetting and thumb sucking), grief may be affecting a person’s behaviors.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If someone were experiencing the inability to focus and concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self-destructive thoughts, preoccupation of the death, confusion and disbelief, then grief can be affecting their cognitions, or thoughts.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If a person were experiencing anger, guilt, regret, mood swings, depression, relief, feelings of helplessness, fear, loneliness and anxiety, then grief can be affecting a person’s feelings, or emotions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If an individual were experiencing headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness, a pounding of the heart, hot or cold flashes, increased illness, tightness in the chest, an empty feeling in the body, tightness in the throat and stomach aches, then grief can be affecting their physical being.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">The effects of grief do not end there however.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>A person can experience symptoms affecting their behaviors, thoughts, feelings and body – all at the same time.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They can also experience more than one symptom from each of these areas, and again they could happen all at the same time.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It is easy to imagine that if an individual has not experienced a loss before, they may question their emotional stability.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Many people seek to medicate themselves in an effort to dull, or blunt, these symptoms.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Just as many people seek help from their physicians, who in turn often prescribe anti-depressants or anti-anxialitics to help their patients “get over the hump.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Medication is just a band-aid for the symptoms.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It will cover up the pain for a little while, but it will not take the grief away.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Sooner or later the person will have to stop taking the medication and the grief will be there waiting for them.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Waiting to be dealt with; waiting to be acknowledged.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Grief and depression are tricky companions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Depression certainly comes with grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, we caution people about using anti-depressants while in grief due tothe fact that once the medication is stopped, people will start to feel just as bad as when they first started taking the medication.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This surprises a lot of people who felt that they were starting to “get over” their grief, when in actuality they were just delaying the inevitable.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is not to say that if someone is diagnosed as clinically depressed and are grieving that they should not take medication.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>That’s why grief and depression are tricky companions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One can be diagnosed as clinically depressed AND be in grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is a case where one definitely needs to take their prescribed medication.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>However, a person can be in grief and exhibit one of the symptoms of grief – depression.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This may be a case where the person needs to express their emotions and give themselves the gift of time in order to work through their grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">We always say that you can’t hide, deny or run from grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It will always be waiting to be dealt with.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One must work through the grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One will never “get over” their loss, but they will learn to accommodate the loss into their life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People, who are grieving, may be struggling with trying to figure out who they are now without their loved one in their life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They may be struggling with finding new goals, new meaning, and new directions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This is all part of the grief process and must be given – time!</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
<P> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-16916226429382114392007-02-09T13:51:00.000-05:002008-10-09T10:54:19.209-04:00Variables in Grief<P>My husband's grandfather passed away one week ago today. He lived a beautiful, long life and died at the age of 97. Some may say he lived a good long life, so his loss will not be felt as deeply. Perhaps, but for me, his death represents one less truly good, loving and generous person walking on this earth. </P>
<P>We talked earlier about the Variables in Grief and how these can determine how each person will grieve in their own unique way. As I participated in the full day of activities, I looked around and saw how the Variables were working. As each event unfolded, emotional barriers were broken down and family members comforted one another. At the viewing, it seemed the duties of paying respects, saying hellos and good-byes filled everyone with a sense of purpose and although some tears were shed, most held themselves in a composed manner. During the church service, emotional barriers began to break down as we each heard the pastor's words, sang the hymns, and looked upon the casket. At the veteran's cemetery, a special service was held and emotions were broken down even further by the touching ceremony given for our grandfather in honor of the service he gave to his country. As we gathered at the church once again for a meal, the comfort we had given each other throughout the day had shored us up and gave a period of time to rest before we felt we had to grieve again. </P>
<P>Everyone who had gathered that day, held special memories of Grandaddy, and grieved in their own unique way according to their relationship with him. The fact that he died at 97 years of age was a variable for some family members' grief. I heard one say that she felt it was a relief that he passed and was no longer suffering. For many, this was their first significant loss. Without having any life experiences regarding death before, they may be feeling the grief more acutely than some other family members. These were just a few of the Variables that I observed that day. </P>
<P>I often hear from people that their family members are not grieving the same way as they are. Or they share that they feel the rest of the family does not understand them or what they are feeling. Look to the Variables. Everyone will grieve in their own unique way and the Variables may give you a clue as to why.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Diana</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
<P> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-75672381306834500862007-01-25T17:32:00.000-05:002008-10-09T10:54:19.209-04:00What does it mean to be a widow?<P>A friend of mine lost her husband and told me that she never speaks the "W" word. I innocently asked, "What is the "w" word?" Thinking it had to be something like the "F" word. Well, it WAS a bad word, and to some the word may seem obscene. The word is "Widow." </P>
<P>My friend went on to explain that just because her husband had died, didn't mean that she stopped feeling married to him. True, most vows include "Til death do us part," but the vows didn't say, "I'll stay married to you until you die and then we no longer have a relationship." The vow merely says that death has parted you. Most widows and widowers I know believe that when their time comes, they will join again with their spouse. So it's just that death has parted you for a time. </P>
<P>Some realists will read this and say come on now. If we were take those vows literally then none of us would ever get remarried or become reinvested in life. That's true too. But that's why I ALWAYS say, "We each grieve in our own unique way." Meaning if you want to grieve, move on and become reinvested in life, then by all means do so. If you want to grieve, move on, become reinvested in life, but choose not to remarry again, then there is nothing wrong with that choice either.</P>
<P>I must admit that after the time I have spent in grief counseling I was surprised that I had never heard anyone express my friend's sentiment in quite that way before. I always try to listen to people with an open mind, that is, after all, how we learn and grow. Then I came across an article titled, "Spousal Bereavement" and the author wrote expressing the exact same sentiments that my friend had and I thought, "Well I'll be darned, she's on to something." So I have included the article in this posting in the hopes that it may benefit someone. </P>
<P>Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P>Diana</P>
<P class=MsoTitle style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><STRONG><FONT size=5>SPOUSAL BEREAVEMENT</FONT></STRONG></P>
<P class=MsoTitle style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><STRONG><FONT size=5> </FONT><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt">Lynn Caine, <I>Widow</I></SPAN></STRONG></P>
<P class=MsoTitle style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt"></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt"></SPAN></B> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">“Widow” is a harsh and hurtful word.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It comes from the Sanskrit and it means “empty.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have been empty too long.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I do not want to be pigeon-holed as a widow.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am a woman whose husband has died, yes.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But not a second-class citizen, not a lonely goose.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am a mother and a working woman and a friend and a sexual woman and a laughing woman and a concerned woman and a vital woman.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am a person.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I resent what the term widow has come to mean.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am alive.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am part of the world.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If fate had reversed its whim and taken me instead of Martin, I would expect him to be very much a part of the world.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I cannot see him with the good gray tag of “widower.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He would not stand for it for one moment.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And neither will I.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Not anymore.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">But what of love?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The warmth, the tenderness, the passion I had for Martin?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Am I rejecting that, too?</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Ah, that is the very definition of bereavement.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The love object is lost.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And love without its object shrivels like a flower betrayed by an early frost.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>How can we live without it?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Without love?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Without its total commitment?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This explains the passionate grief of widowhood.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Grief is as much a lament for the end of love as anything else.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Acceptance finally comes.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And with it comes peace.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Today I carry the scars of my bitter grief.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>In a way I look upon them as battle stripes, marks of my fight to attain an identity of my own.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I owe the person I am today to Martin’s death.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If he had not died, I am sure I would have lived happily ever after as a twentieth-century child wife never knowing what I was missing . . .</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">But today I am someone else.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I am stronger, more independent.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have more understanding, more sympathy.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>A different perspective.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have a quiet love for Martin.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I have passionate, poignant memories of him.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He will always be part of me.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But –</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">If I were to meet Martin today . . .?</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Would I love him?</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"> </P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I ask myself.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Startled.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>What brought the question to my mind?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I know.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I ask it because I am a different woman.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Yes.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Of course I would.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I love him now.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But Martin is dead.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And I am a different woman.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And the next time I love, if ever I do, it will be a different man, a different love.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">Frightening.</P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">But so is life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>And wonderful.</P>
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<P> </P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-79399286281605674942007-01-18T15:53:00.000-05:002008-10-09T10:54:19.210-04:00We Remember Them<P>Before the new year begins, the end of the old year is filled with remembrances. A yearly tradition is to post a list of names of the famous, or influential, people who have died. We often look over the list of names and remember how that person touched our lives, how they may have changed our culture or perspective, perhaps even our laws. But we all know a great many people who may have affected us, and our lives, in this way, but they may be unknown to the masses. We also know that just because "the masses" did not have the privilege of knowing this person, did not make this person any less special, or any less worthy of our remembrances.</P>
<P>I wanted to try a blog memorial for anyone who wanted to remember and memorialize a loved one. If you would like to add a loved one's name and any comments about them and what made them so special, please feel free to access the comments section of this posting and I will update this posting daily to include all names and comments. I will continue to do this until people stop adding names. If you see a loved one's name already on the list, feel free to add it again. Your comments and remembrances may be different than a previous listing, and will show how valued and loved this person was. I also wanted to include a popular reading that I like to do during our memorial services. </P>
<P> <STRONG>WE REMEMBER THEM</STRONG></P>
<P><STRONG> By</STRONG></P>
<P><STRONG> Sylvan Kamens and Jack Reimer</STRONG></P>
<P>At the rising of the sun and at its going down, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of Spring, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of Summer, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>At the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of Autumn, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>At the beginning of the year, and at its end, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>When we are weary and in need of strength, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>When we are lost and sick at heart, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>When we have joy we crave to share, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>When we have decisions that are difficult to make, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>When we have achievements that are based on theirs, We Remember Them.</P>
<P>As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, As We Remember Them.</P>
<P> </P>
<P><STRONG><EM>Memorial Names</EM></STRONG></P>
<P><STRONG>Judith Mae Kruse (Atwood),</STRONG> She was my mom and died unexpectedly when I was 20. I miss her every day and I feel her presence just as much. Her death was very influential in leading me on the path that I am on today. The things I want people to remember about her most was that she was animal lover (particularly cats - for those who know me, that explains a lot, doesn't it?), she had a great smile, she was funny and she loved her family.</P>
<P><STRONG>John H. (Jack) Barrett</STRONG>, He was one of the five people I consider my role models. Mr. Barrett was my Scoutmaster and helped teach me discipline as well as respect for nature. I believe that my enjoyment of the outdoors comes directly from him. He passed away just before Christmas in 2004. "<!--EDIT_FLAG:0--><!--END_BODY--></P>
<P><STRONG>Donald L. Kane (Don)</STRONG> was my beloved husband. He passed away suddenly in November 2006 at the age of 56, a week after our daughter, Jacqueline, got married. He was a wonderful, loving, caring, hardworking man who never hurt a soul in his life. He was very quiet, and you might think he wasn’t paying attention, but he never missed anything and never forgot anyone he ever met or worked with over the years. He was an animal lover, too…he brought home almost every stray that crossed his path over the years…4 dogs, a hamster, 6 baby rabbits. We had 34 wonderful years together. We really never fought…hon ..."</P>
<P><STRONG>Eugene Kruse, </STRONG>He was my Godfather and Uncle. He waskilled in a drunk driving accident when I was very young. I don't have many memories of him, but the ones I do are of a very loving and generous man. He was one of my first comforting memories as a child. I still have many of the things he gave to me when I was born. </P>
<P><STRONG>Olivia White, </STRONG>was my friend and I met her while she was a client for our veterinary hospital. I helped take care of her and her dog and became very good friends with her. She never married and was an only child. She took care of her sick aunt and parents and hospiced them in her home, when hospice wasn't an easy choice back then. Her pets were her children and she loved her white poodle, Teddy. </P>
<P><STRONG>Charles E. (Gene) Keith</STRONG>, my loving spouse of 34 years who suddenly passed away on December 15, 2006. I feel I have a hole in my being without him. He was a kind, caring and wonderful man who loved his family and God with all his heart. He was retired from Phillips Petroleum for about 8 years and worked as a contractor and built houses for the last several years.</P>
<P><STRONG>Charles Randow, </STRONG>my grandfather-in-law. To me, he was what every grandfather should be. He always made me feel like I was his real granddaughter, not just by marriage. He always asked about me, my activities and what I was doing. He always remembered every detail of my schooling, work and my many pets. Most importantly, he told me he was proud of me. He was truly a loving and generous man with a tremendously huge heart. </P>
<P><STRONG>Kenneth James</STRONG>, 45. Gone from this earth way too soon. A brave person who quietly fought a battle with cancer. Among his selfless commitments to others, Ken was a volunteer Fireman with Engine Co #1 Pompton Plains, NJ, for many years.<BR/>In the time after his diagnosis, Ken never wallowed in self-pity. Through it all, he was a rock for the rest of us who asked plenty of times, "why him?". </P>
<P><STRONG>Ruth Sebzda</STRONG>, my Mother. Another of my five role models (Jack Barrett from an earlier post was another). My Mom was always there for my Father, Sisters and me in so many important ways that it would be impossible to describe them all. Words cannot describe what she means to me. Lets just say I love her and I will miss her terribly. </P>
<P><STRONG>My beloved grandson Aaron</STRONG> died on March 13th, 2007. He was 24 years old & the light of my life. I miss him so very much & keep asking "why", why him & not me. He was a young man with his life ahead of him. There are many things I ask myself, such as What If, If Only. My wound is so deep & hurts beyond belief. Knowing I will never see his smiling face & sparkling eyes, running thru the grass with his dog is more than I can deal with. How do you get thru these days? I know that life will never be the same again, how could it be. When does that pain inside of you ease? Please God, keep Aaron close to you.<BR/></P>
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<P>Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.</P>
<P>Diana</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solelyon donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>
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<P> </P><SPAN style="VISIBILITY: hidden" woohooNameSaved="photoAlbumWoohoo"></SPAN>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-63632018971082884732007-01-08T10:32:00.000-05:002008-10-09T10:54:19.210-04:00Focusing<P>Last week I was having trouble focusing on what would be an appropriate topic to post. I had other issues going on that were making it difficult for me to maintain my concentration and stay focused on my task. When life throws you a curve ball and you become focused on that issue and the surrounding implications, it can be very difficult to focus on other aspects of your life; of your every day activities. This is true for people who may be experiencing grief. </P>
<P>People in grief are so focused on their loss and the surrounding implications that it becomes very difficult to focus on the other every day activities, such as work, home and family. The surrounding implications are called "secondary losses" which mean how does this loss affect the other areas of your life. Did your protector die? Did your provider die? Did your companion die? Did your best friend die? Did the person who handled all the household finances die? Did the person who knew how to fix the car or fix anything that went wrong in the house die? This list could go on and on, but you get the point. </P>
<P>Take for example a widow just had her heat go out in the middle of winter. She is already grieving and consumed with the sadness of the loss of her spouse. Throw on top of that, she might not know who to call to come fix the furnace. Where does she look for information? How will she know that she is contacting a reputable company? Can she trust being in the house with the repairman alone? Does she pretend that she is not alone? How much will it cost? Does she have enough to fix it? The estate hasn't come out of probate yet, if she pays for the repairs now, will she have enough money for food, bills, medical, etc.? And this list goes on. If you asked this widow to think about solving another problem or taking on another task, you can well imagine that she wouldn't have the energy or motivation to fulfill that request, let alone stay focused on that new task as well.</P>
<P>That is why I say, "Please be gentle with yourself." I also like to say, "Don't have such high expectations of yourself during grief." People have a tendency to be their own worst enemies. During grief, you don't need YOU criticizing yourself, or berating yourself, because you didn't do something you thought you should do, or didn't act fast enough, or didn't think something through more thoroughly, or whatever it is that we like to beat ourselves up over. As time goes on, you will be able to regain more and more of your focus and you will find that you will start to become more motivated, more energized. You just need some patience, time and some kindness - to yourself.</P>
<P>Until next week, please be gentle with yourself - AND don't have such high expectations.</P>
<P>Diana</P>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">P.S.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.</P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5196861204613644247.post-18054162049359184482006-12-26T10:24:00.000-05:002008-10-09T10:54:19.211-04:00The Flip Side of the Holidays<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I know this was a tough time for a lot of people.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People have a tendency to become reflective around this time of year.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The holidays are surrounded with many memories – favorite holiday as a child, favorite toy, favorite tradition and favorite food.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>But it’s also surrounded with the knowledge that as we grow up, we change – our traditions change, our lives change, and many of these memories become faded or are lost completely.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>So the holidays become a time where there is happiness, mixed with tinges of sadness as well.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This can be felt even more so if you have lost someone you loved very much.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People also have a tendency to become reflective around the New Year.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>People think back upon the last year and the changes that have happened, the good and the bad.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They then turn toward the future and begin to reflect on what the New Year will bring, what hopes, changes and goals will they try to achieve in the upcoming year.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">It’s very easy to become lost in your thoughts and depression, to think thoughts such as “what’s the point?”, “why did this happen?”, and “how did this happen?”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>These are age old questions that I believe have never been answered and probably will never be answered.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s called “LIFE.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If you are reading this post, then you are alive and living.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As long as you are alive and living, you will continue to grow and change.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You will continue to collect memories, good and bad.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You will continue to collect life experiences, good and bad.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You have a choice in how you want to live your life.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>If we don’t have the power to change the outcomes of events, if we don’t have the power to get the answers to life’s age-old questions, we have no other choice but to go on living and hoping for the best.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s what you decide to do with your life that counts.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Will you focus on the negative aspects of a life you can’t control?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Or will you focus on living each and every day to the best of your ability?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One never knows what is waiting just around the corner, what surprises are in store for us.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Live each moment as if it might be your last.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Be with your loved ones as if that moment with them could be the last.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Try to live with no regrets and no guilt.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>
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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt">I know – easier said than done – but you do have the choice.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></P>Dianahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11664653382838996212noreply@blogger.com0