Bereavement Support

Who is Your Reason?

2009-07-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

“What’s your reason for doing that?”

“The reason I said that was . . .”

“The reason that happened was. . . “

Do any of those above statements come close to describing the title of this article? What about “You’re my reason for living.”? That comes much closer, doesn’t it? We’ve all probably heard that one before in movies or in a romance novel.

When we think about the loss of a spouse and think about “the reason,” we can see why this type of loss can be so painful for some. When our spouse dies, we struggle with the loss of our companion, our friend, our lover, our past, present and future – just to name a few struggles.

I was pondering the struggles that my clients have experienced and thought to myself, “If my husband died what would I miss? What would I struggle with in grief?” The answer was, EVERYTHING – I imagined I would feel empty and without direction. I imagined that it would be difficult to go back to work, it would be difficult to be with friends and family, it would be difficult to tend to the daily chores, it would be difficult to learn new tasks, it would be difficult to be emotionally available and present for my family, and the list goes on and on and on. Then I started to ask myself, “why?” Why would I have such struggles? Being a grief counselor and educator myself, wouldn’t I have all the answers to help myself in my grief? I don’t think so, and the “reason” is that my husband IS my “reason.”

Now, this was huge. I had to sit with this for awhile and think about it. He’s the reason that motivates me on a daily basis to go to work, to be creative, to be a better wife, to be a better pet mom, to keep our home clean, to have clean clothes, to cook and even to get mad. He’s the reason. Imagine losing your reason. It would make perfect sense to lose direction in your life, to lose sight of goals that were planned, to lose motivation, to lose that zest for living.

Do you know someone who lost their “reason?” Then just be gentle with them, now that you have a new found understanding of what they may be going through. You can be a supportive presence for them – that is enough!

Did you lose your “reason?” Then hopefully this article normalizes some of the feelings you may be going through. Know that as each day goes by, some of these struggles will lessen.

Do you still have your “reason?” Then let them know that “they are your reason!”

Grieving the Loss of Iconic Figures

2009-07-01T20:51:00.011-04:00

Time to pull out something from the archives - I'm reaching way back to July, 2007 where we discussed Grieving the Loss of Fictional Characters. Remember that one? It was the one where we talked about the sad feelings people were having over the ending of the Harry Potter series. I ended that posting with the quote from USA Today, saying "“It’s not any more of a pretend emotion to mourn a fictional character than to mourn a princess you never met whose subject you were not.” - referring to the death of Princess Diana.

Which brings us to today, where the last couple of weeks have delivered the news of some celebrity's death and we find ourselves mourning the loss of these icons. Why? We weren't related to them. We probably have never met them. To mourn the loss of someone, isn't it necessary to have a connection with them? What if it were an emotional connection? Ahhhhh, now we're talking!

Iconic figures are ripe for emotional connections. We become emotionally connected through no fault of our own. It's brilliant marketing and it's how they become famous. They attach themselves to a product, enhance their incredible talents and features, and learn to speak to us on a deeper level so that we buy into whatever they are selling - an album, a television program, a laundry detergent - whatever.

These connections are made because of a variety of reasons: we identify with them, we want to be like them, we want to be friends with them, we want to marry them. Yes, I said "marry them." Sigh! Time for self-disclosure. When I was a budding teenager, I was "In Love" with Elton John. All those wonderful songs he sang - he sang them for me. Not for you - ME! I was convinced that if I planned hard enough and got to meet him, he would realize that we were meant to be together. I even slept with his picture on my pillow and kissed him good-night every evening. Now, imagine if Elton had died during that time - the grief that I would be feeling would be experienced as a significant loss. As the years have passed and I have grown (I would have said matured, but I know the flack I would receive), that emotional connection has changed from a love struck teenager entrenched in fantasy, to a whimsical remembering of a time that once was. If Elton were to die now, I would definitely feel sadness, but not the deep grieving I would have experienced in the past.

So when we hear the news of David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, and Michael Jackson, we see and hear many differing expressions of sadness and grief. We see people in different stages of their lives, having differing emotional connections to these icons, for many different reasons. We may not always understand why someone is showing such a depth of feeling for a celebrity, but it's not for us to understand. It's not for us to judge. They have a different emotional connection to that celebrity than we do.

What we can do is support the person in any way that we can. Let them talk about why that celebrity was so important to them. Let them share why they were so connected to that person. This is a form of Life Review and Reminiscence and is a great way to help go through the grief process. It's our way of trying to make sense of what just happened, make peace with it and honor their life and memory. It may even be helpful to be a part of the rituals that occur when an event like this happens. Go to the place where the celebrity lived, join the fans that are mourning and will understand the grief that you are feeling. Leave a flower, or a note, at the designated memorial site. Attend the viewing, even if it means that you are standing in line for hours just to do so - it's a form of pilgrimage which gives meaning to the act.

It seems fitting to pull something out of the same archived article to end this post. I had opened the article with the quote from USA Today, saying "Fans' teary eyes are all on 'Potter'." We can change that to say, "This week, fans' teary eyes are all on (insert favorite iconic figure who recently died here). In so doing, we can honor our emotions, not judge others for their emotions, and remember why we were so emotionally connected to that person.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Grieving after a long-term illness

2009-06-24T12:14:00.003-04:00

JoAnne Funch of Heartache to Healing was kind enough to post my article on Grieving After a Long-Term Illness. http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=538

If you lost a loved one after caring for them as they struggled with a long-term illness, this article may be helpful. Grieving caregivers face a unique set of challenges as they navigate the grief process. It's important to share your thoughts and feelings, and it's equally as important to practice self-care. Please follow the link provided above to find out more.

You can follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/dianasebzda and you can follow JoAnne too, http://twitter.com/Joannefunch.

Please be gentle with yourself. Diana

Grief through a child's eyes

2009-06-11T09:38:00.004-04:00

My new friend, JoAnne Funch, has a great website/blog called "Heartache to Healing." JoAnne has used her personal loss, pain and healing to help others who may be in a similar situation. Please visit her website and read her blog. I have included the link here to an article I wrote for her titled, "Grief Through a Child's Eyes." http://heartachetohealing.com/blog/?p=492

As always, please be gentle with yourself. Diana

Lessons in Grief

2009-05-07T13:44:00.003-04:00

In Life -
We say little to those who mean so much to us . . .
In Death -
We say too much, too late, to those who meant so much to us.

(c) 2009 John Kruse

Never Have To Say Good-bye

2009-03-17T14:15:00.001-04:00

We notice that our pet is not acting quite right. We take our pet to the veterinarian to make sure everything is ok. Nothing serious, right? Our veterinarian is sorry to tell us that our pet has _________. Fill in the blank - Cancer, Renal Failure, Congestive Heart Failure – whatever . . . Our heart starts racing, our mind is racing – “What is he saying? This can’t be true?” We are now faced with a terminal prognosis for our pet. We listen while being told “options,” “choices,” “pharmaceutical therapies,” “surgery,” “euthanasia.” What?! Wait! Slow down! We need time to think. We need to get out of there!

On our way home, we’re trying to process everything the vet just told us. What is the best choice for our pet? What would make our pet the happiest, the most comfortable, give the longest prognosis? What if money is a factor? This could potentially and unfairly cut our choices down even further. Then we’re dealing with the guilt that we are making major life decisions for our pet based on money. But let’s face it – if pets had health insurance like people do, it would be all good. Imagine if we didn’t have health insurance for ourselves or our family? Would we be able to get all the tests, scans and other procedures doctors recommend? This too is an unfortunate fact of life for some – but that’s a completely different blog topic.

Whatever choices were made, now lead us to THE moment – THE decision – should we euthanize our pet? Help ease their suffering? Some pets make this choice for us and die on their own. Some seem to suffer so much that we feel it is kinder to help them in this way. There are people who can help with this kind of decision, because this is never an easy decision to make. The veterinarian is the best person to help with this decision. I find that no matter what decisions are made or how a pet dies, most pet owners will suffer guilt and regret. Always asking themselves, “Did I make the right choice?” “What if I chose this option instead?” “What if I got a second opinion earlier?” It’s really not much different than when a human dies. I believe it’s our human condition to do the "shoulda, coulda, woulda’s".

We go through an anticipatory grief when we’re trying our best to make our pet comfortable while they struggle through their illness. If we are very attached to our pet, we may try everything there is to offer in an attempt to keep our pet with us for as long as possible. Then when the end does come, we enter into the real grief, which is fraught with anger, guilt and regret.

For most, an endless tape of memory plays over and over again in our minds, replaying the last few moments of our pet’s life. It will take weeks to months for this endless reliving to subside. But it will subside – as the grief begins to subside. Gradually, the tape is replaced with different memories, happier memories, and we really know that we are moving forward when we can remember our pet and smile fondly, or even laugh a little. It’s in this remembering, that we can stay connected with our pet, even though their physical presence is no longer with us. It’s in this remembering that we realize that we never have to say good-bye.

What Are You Planning?

2009-03-12T19:25:00.002-04:00

Have you thought about your death?

How old will you be? How will it happen? Will it be sudden? Will it be a long, drawn out illness? Will it happen when your children are young or will they be older and taking care of you? Will you die at home, on a trip, in the hospital or in a nursing home? Will you predecease your spouse? What happens if you’re in a coma? Who will make the decisions for you? Will they make the decisions you would have liked them to make? Will you have a will? Who will you leave things too? Will you leave it to the state to decide the fate of your estate, family and pets? Are you still reading this, or are you saying, “Oh no, I’m not going there.”?

There seem to be two different ways of thinking on this. You might be the kind of person who has no trouble thinking about life and death, is quite practical, has everything organized and decided, right down to the last detail of your funeral and burial. Or you may be the kind of person that feels extremely uncomfortable thinking about your mortality and would rather have your fingernails pulled out than make a plan for your care if you became incapacitated, make a will or think about your funeral.

What about your obituary? Surely you’ve taken a peek to see who died, how they died, how old they were. Recently I saw two women’s obituaries. They both wrote them before they died. One was quite elaborate, stating all of her accomplishments, her awards, her education, and her charitable contributions throughout her life. It was probably one of the longest obits I have ever read. But, that was what she wanted and she wasn’t going to leave it to others to do it after the fact. The second one was very short and sweet, but no less powerful. She stated that all who knew her knew what she did in her life and those who didn’t know her wouldn’t care. She further stated that she wished to have no viewing, funeral or memorial. She had control of her life all the way through to the end.

Control! We have none! We think we do, we try to have it – but when it really counts, we have no control over death. Life takes many twists and turns that we don’t expect nor even want at times, yet there it is. So the best way to take control of the uncontrollable is to be proactive. Make your plans as best you can, while you can. Don’t be afraid. Think about the future and what it may hold. What do you want?

Have you ever been to a funeral or memorial and wondered what yours would be like? Would there be that many people? Who would do the eulogy and what would they say? What kind of music would they play? Would there be a lot of flowers, or would there be a lack of flowers due to donations made in your honor? These are the things we can have control over – NOW. Of course you can take care of all of this in your will or advanced directive, but there is a really great document called “Five Wishes” and it’s a very easy to read and complete form that will let others know how you want to be taken care of in case you can no longer speak for yourself. It further goes on to let others know how you want your arrangements in the event of your death, right down to the kind of music you want played, who will do your eulogy, what you want people to know about you and whether to have flowers or donations.

So what are you planning?

What's Your Emotional Voltage?

2009-02-26T13:39:00.002-05:00

Who hasn’t felt the sharp zap of static electricity as someone comes across the room and touches you? We learned as children that you can build up this electrical charge by scuffing your feet on the floor. The more scuffs you make, the bigger the shock. So there are small insignificant shocks or big, sometimes painful, shocks.

What we feel when someone dies is very similar. Some grief feelings are small. Not really insignificant, but one is able to function normally, and others observing this individual may not even realize that this person had experienced a loss. Some grief feelings are HUGE! Incapacitating! There is no mistaking that the person having these feelings has lost someone, and there is no mistaking that their feelings are so enormous, they have the inability to hide them.

Some people don’t understand why some seem to cope better in grief than others. Some families don’t understand why one family member is coping differently than the rest of the family. Some people have certain expectations on what it is to grieve and are frustrated and disappointed that they aren’t grieving the “right way.” Some people feel so frustrated with their grief response that they feel like they are going crazy.

Why are there so many different grief responses? One of the reasons can be our relationship, our “emotional voltage,” to the person who died. How connected were we to this person? Were they an acquaintance that we saw maybe twice a year or were they your best friend? Were they a grandparent or were they your spouse? Were they your employer or were they your pet?

We have many different relationships with the many different people in our lives and our emotional voltage to each one is just as different. Knowing this can help explain why a surviving spouse may be grieving differently than the children in the family. Or it may help explain why siblings may be reacting to the loss each in different ways than the other.

If you find yourself grieving differently than those around you, ask yourself, “What is my emotional voltage?”

Is There Tomorrow?

2009-02-13T10:52:00.001-05:00

It is not unusual for me to hear the stories of sudden deaths that take families and loved ones’ by surprise. It is also not unusual to hear, “I can’t believe they aren’t here anymore!” “I just spoke with them on the phone. How could this have happened?” “We just retired. We were going to do so much. We even planned a trip for next week!”

We read about, and hear things like, “Live for today.” “Live with no regrets.” “Live as if you were dying.” I agree with these mantras and try to guide my clients into a lifestyle of “mindfulness” or “being present in the moment.” I have also recommended reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s books. He has a very easy reading style that presents this concept beautifully with simple exercises that the reader can follow to begin learning and incorporating mindfulness techniques in their daily lives.

However, having this awareness through my work and trying to practice these techniques myself, still does not alleviate the surreal quality of having a loved one die suddenly. It can be quite scary to contemplate this phenomenon of having just had a conversation with someone who had made plans for the following week and then be told that they died suddenly. A relative, who was actively seeking treatment for cancer, dies suddenly. A friend who was waiting for a surgical procedure and was making plans for her recovery, dies suddenly. Even dealing with a loved one who has a long-term, serious or terminal illness, and then they die, can leave you with a feeling that it all happened too quickly.

It IS scary and it IS sad to contemplate the big question WHY? But ultimately the message is that we simply do not know when our time is up. Do we stop making plans? Do we stop living? Do we stop loving? Of course not! So what makes us go on? Hope and Faith. Most people have a spiritual or faith belief and this can provide comfort to those who have lost a loved one. It is comforting to know that your loved one is in a better place. A safe place. A peaceful place. It can also be comforting to us if we believe there is this place for us as well. It can help release us from our fear of death and dying. But even if you don’t believe that there is something after we die, there is still Hope. Hope that there will be a tomorrow. Hope that we will accomplish our goals. Hope that we will die a peaceful death. And in the meantime, there is mindfulness. Since there are no guarantees and we don’t know from one day to the next if we have a tomorrow, we have to live in the present, in the now, in the moment, for today. And one way we can truly do that is through living a mindful existence.

Enjoy the comfort of your bed and the warmth of your house as you get up the morning. Give thanks that you are getting up to face another day, even if it is fraught with challenges. Truly feel the softness of your pet’s fur. Really feel the touch of your loved one as you enfold each other in your arms. Feel each other’s warmth. Be grateful for the companionship and support. Really hear your child’s laugh. See the joy on their face as they experience the world around them. Be grateful for another day in their presence. Really taste your food. Enjoy the texture and the smells. If you do these things, at the end of the day, you can close your eyes with a sigh and know you lived a day well lived. If there is a tomorrow, we can rejoice and be mindful once more.

It's never too late!

2009-01-25T10:46:00.001-05:00

There are so many people who think as they get older, they have missed opportunities in life. Some lament that it is too late for them, their time has passed. Not true! But there are some that are more difficult to convince then others. From my personal experiences, I know that it is never too late to go back to school, it's never too late to start writing that poem/novel/article, it's never too late to start a new enterprise, it's never too late to forgive and to love - it's just never too late. One person said, "It's not that you are a human being, it's that you are a human doing!" The only time it is too late is if you're dead - obvious right? With every breath you take, you inhale possibility! Think about that while I share a recent posting on my Facebook page. Enjoy and DO!

A story that could inspire you for the rest of your life...

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday," I promised a little reluctantly on her third call. Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into my daughter Carolyn's house, I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren. I told my daughter, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and my grandchildren that I want to see right now. I don't want to drive another inch!" My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this weather all the time, mother." "Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her. "But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this." "Carolyn," I said sternly, "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

So we went! After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, "Daffodil Garden ---->" We got out of the car, each of us took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers! "Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958." For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught me is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time. "It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!" My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said. She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

The Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....

Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you clean the house.
Until you organize the garage.
Until you clean off your desk.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until the kids go to school.
Until you retire.
Until summer.
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching. If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special (like I did to you!) Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day! Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. - Author unknown

Let's try this again!

2009-01-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over a year! I think I tried too hard to give a meaty, lesson filled article in each posting and burnt myself out. After reading my brother's blog, I noticed that he posted almost daily and most of his posts were brief, maybe some were even just one sentence. But they were meaty, lesson-filled sentences. The lesson for me was that hopefully I could provide insight, differing perspectives, thoughts, advice, suggestions, guidelines, to those in grief, in brief - but meaningful - postings. Let's try - although I reserve the right to get lengthy from time to time. :)

A client came to see me today and was tearful and distraught. This client was doing so well, for so many weeks, that this "grief attack" took her completely by surprise and wanted to know what she was doing wrong in her grief that would produce such painful emotions, remembrances and tears.

Now you know I'm going to say she didn't do anything wrong, right? Right! She had simply experienced an "emotional trigger." She had completed some of that nasty, necessary paperwork that comes with losing a loved one, and then saw a car on the road that looked just like his - BOOM! Down she went!

The paperwork was one more nail in the coffin (sorry about that) to make her realize that her loved one was not coming back. It was the reality of the loss hitting her, yet once again. Then on the heels of this realization came the sight of the car. Another smack of reality - it's not his car. He's not the one driving.

So what could I do to help her? Nothing, really. I let her know that although painful, this "grief attack" was normal. It's an unfortunate part of the grieving process that some people feel YEARS after the loss. It's like pushing your finger into a sore spot from time to time. Yup, it's still sore! The emotional triggers do lessen as time goes on, but they don't completely disappear. Not as long as we hold our loved ones in our hearts.

So the only answer is this - be gentle with yourself when these grief attacks occur. When the emotional triggers happen - allow yourself to feel the feelings - honor the emotions. You truly do have to feel to heal. There is no way around it, only through it.

Ok, so this was not one of those short, concise, meaning filled sentences. Maybe I'll have better luck on the next posting!

Diana

Interfaith Memorial Service

2007-08-31T10:49:00.000-04:00

We would like to extend an invitation to attend our annual Interfaith Memorial Service, held on Monday, September 17, 2007 at 7:30 p.m. at Presbyterian Church of Newton, High Street, New Jersey. This memorial service is open to anyone in the community who wishes to commemorate loved ones who have died. It will be an evening to remember, to gain strength and comfort. There will be clergy from the Catholic, Protestant and Jewish faiths. We will have songs, readings, and a candle-lighting ceremony.

You may send a loved one's name to be included in our brochure and to be read during the service. As your loved one's name is read, you may come up to light a candle in remembrance of them. It is a beautiful and honoring ceremony.

If you would like to attend, and/or have a loved one's name included in the ceremony, please send the following to the Joseph T. Quinlan Bereavement Center, c/o Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice, 99 Sparta Avenue, Newton, New Jersey 07860, Attention: Diana Sebzda:

Your name, address and telephone number. Your loved one's name, their relationship to you and a phonetic spelling for pronunciation, if necessary. If you wish to send a donation, that would be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

You may also call in this information at 800-882-1117 or e-mail at Bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org.

Grieving the loss of fictional characters

2007-07-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

I read, with interest, the article published in the July 12th edition of USA Today. It was titled, “Fans’ teary eyes are all on ‘Potter’ – Saying goodbye to characters and series, can cause some real-life grief.” The much anticipated arrival of the final book is here. However, by the time I post this article, some of the more ambitious readers will know which characters were sacrificed for literary glory.

Too well I remember the sadness I felt when I read Charlotte’s Web as a child and learned of Charlotte’s demise. When we grow up, we seem to be protected, to some degree, of life’s lessons, such as sickness and death. Charlotte’s Web was the most memorable demise of a character to me. Of course, there IS Bambi! Today, the ongoing debate continues as to whether this film is appropriate for children to watch because of Bambi’s mother’s horrific death. And then there are the HUNTERS! Oh no!

As I got older, I got sucked into the Clan of the Cave Bear Series (please don’t judge me) and still to this day hope that Jean Auel will produce one more tome to satisfy my curiosity about what happens to Ayla, Jondular and their baby. Does she meet her son? Us Enquiring Minds need to know! And howmany romance novel readers are out there? Who hasn’t got sucked into a Nora Roberts series and felt the sad disappointment of not being able to continue reading about these lives that we became emotionally invested in?

So if we adults are prone to this kind of sadness when a series ends, or a fictional character dies, than how are the children supposed to handle these emotions? I don’t think avoidance is the answer. These books and movies provide great teachable moments to our children about the different things life has to offer – the good AND the bad. I always like to talk about the movie with the younger ones, in the car, on the drive home. I ask TONS of questions – “What was your favorite part?” “What was your least favorite and why?” “What did you learn from the movie, if anything?” If you, as the adult, know there was an important message and the children aren’t getting it – they can be gently prodded in that direction by your questions. If the topic of death, dying or other unpleasant topics come up, you can answer them appropriately using the movie they have just seen as a guideline.

The USA Today article stated that “no one has the right to scorn someone else’s grief, even if it’s for a fictional character . . .” They went on to describe the emotional outpouring of global grief when Princess Diana had died and further stated, “It’s not any more of a pretend emotion to mourn a fictional character than to mourn a princess you never met who subject you were not.” With that in mind, you may be better equipped to know what kind of help and emotional support to offer to your child when their favorite fictional character meets with an untimely death.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Dealing with death and loss as we grow older

2007-07-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

I would like to start first with the definitions of Grief and Loss:

Grief – The normal process of reacting to a loss. The loss may be physical (such as a death), social (such as a divorce), or occupational (such as a job).

Loss – The disappearance of something cherished, such as a person, possession or property.

Now, I would like to explore the typical symptoms of grief. I don’t want to make you go to the beginning of my blogs, so we’ll just go over some of the basics. Grief can affect our behavior, thoughts, emotions and bodies. Often there are more than one symptom experienced in each category and often there are symptoms experienced in all categories at the same time. Some symptoms that we can experience, especially as an older person:

Behavioral: Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, crying, nightmares, sighing, listlessness, absent mindedness, social withdrawal and extreme quietness.

Cognitive: Inability to concentrate, difficulty making a decision, self-destructive thoughts, low self-image, preoccupation, confusion and disbelief.

Emotional: Anger, guilt, sadness, depression, helplessness, fear, loneliness and anxiety.

Physical: Headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, increased illness, empty feeling in body, tightness in chest, muscle weakness and stomachaches.

Next, let’s look at the types of losses we can experience in our lives as we grow older.

Death: As we grow older, the deaths of loved ones become inevitable. Often death can occur in the natural order of things, such as a pet may die or a parent may die, but many times death does not follow the natural order of things and we may experience the death of a spouse, a sibling or a friend.

Independence: As life changes around us, we may find that we have to make decisions that will alter our ability to stay living in an independent nature. Our families may take on the role of decision maker in regard to our finances, healthcare and environmental living conditions.

Health: It’s a fact of life that as we grow older, our health may deteriorate as well. We may begin to have achy joints, arthritis, osteoporosis, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. We may find that as a result of these health changes we are no longer able to perform at the level we used to.

Energy: Often our energy levels are not as high as they were in our younger days. We find we often have to take breaks to catch our breath, or rest due to fatigue. We might also find that we can not stay active for as long as we were able to before.

Appearance: I know, this is vain – but it’s a human fact of life that most of us are in a constant battle against wrinkles and graying, thinning hair. As the signs of aging become physically evident, we find ourselves struggling to accept the fact that we have no control over this aging business.

Home: When we can no longer stay in our home due to failing health, or perhaps due to the death of a spouse and finances no longer enable us to stay in the home, we are forced to sell our home and move. The move may be to a smaller condo or apartment, or even a step-facility where we have to downsize considerably and leave a place that holds so many memories.

Finances: There are times when our failing health costs us tremendous amounts of money in doctors’ visits, medications or perhaps surgeries. We may not have the same medical insurance we used to and have exorbitant out of pocket expenses. Perhaps our financial planning wasn’t up to snuff and we find our retirement funds dwindling due to high cost of living and other unexpected expenses. Or we may find ourselves in a stressful financial situation due to the death of a spouse who was the main bread-winner in the family.

Spiritual: When we experience losses of any kind, we may find ourselves experiencing a spiritual crisis. That loss of faith that we used to rely on – believe in, can leave us in a very lonely place.

Retirement: Many individuals have a very hard time in retirement. Traditionally, it is looked upon with anticipation and enjoyment, waiting for the day to finally come when we can realize all of our dreams and plans. We often plan to occupy our time with all the hobbies that we wanted to do and never found the time while employed, or plan extensive travel plans with our spouses to enjoy some quality time now that there are no familial or career pressures. However, the reality is that we may find a lot of time on our hands and we may not know how to fill it and find ourselves questioning our self-worth and productivity. This is a time where statistics show that depression can be high and relationships can become quite stressed.

What happened to those symptoms of grief that we were talking about? I didn’t forget – I would like you to reflect on these types of losses I just described and imagine how you would feel, or think about how you have felt, when experiencing these losses. Write down the words that come to mind when you think about the deaths in your life, your independence, health, your energy levels, appearance, your home, finances, spirituality and your retirement, if applicable. For me, I think of fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger, depression and doubt. Take this list of words and go back to the symptoms of grief – notice anything? You don’t have to experience a loss just through death to experience some of these symptoms of grief. It is described as “as we grow older, we experience little losses or ‘little deaths.’” Before I go on about this new concept of “little deaths” let’s take a look a look at the types of death we could experience.

Parental: This would follow in the natural order of things, but can still be experienced as a painful loss, particularly if we had a close relationship with our parent. Also, if we were the primary caregiver for our parent, we may feel the loss more acutely because they were such a big part of our everyday living.

Spousal: Again, this loss may be felt more acutely if we had a close relationship with our spouse. Some spouses do everything together and the loss of our spouse leaves us alone and without social support.

Child: This is a loss that definitely does not follow in the natural order of things. This is one of the most painful losses a person can endure.

Family Member: This too, can be a loss that does not follow the natural order of things. This could be a sibling, in-law, cousin, niece and nephew, etc.

Pet: Although this may be a loss that follows in the natural order of things, just by the nature that we typically outlive our pets, it still can be experienced as a very painful loss. Particularly if the pet was treated like a child, or if the pet was the sole companion for a person.

Friend: The loss of a friend can be very painful. Particularly if this was our best friend, our only social support or our confidante. The uncomfortable aspect of losing one of our friends is that it tends to make us face our own mortality.

The complication we can find ourselves in is when we experience these “little deaths” and then we also experience one of these other types of death. When someone experiences back to back losses, or has not resolved a loss issue before another one comes along, we can experience complicated grief or mourning. Symptoms of complicated grief are: chronic symptoms of grief, exaggerated symptoms of grief, delayed symptoms of grief and masked symptoms of grief. If you’re not sure if you have complicated grief, you can ask yourself a few questions.

How long have you been feeling the effects of grief?
Are your grief reactions interfering with your activities of daily living?
Did your grief reactions surface after some time has passed since your loss?
Are you experiencing symptoms that you think are NOT related to your loss?

There are other bereavement issues we can face besides complicated grief. Such as, when we are forced to face our own mortality. This can be particularly bothersome as we grow older and more friends die. Often, people find themselves with no friends and no social supports and then begin to wonder why they are still here and what are they supposed to do now. Facing our own mortality can lead to fear, anxiety and depression.

As we grow older we also start to question our productivity and generativity. This simply means that we are not sure how productive we can be anymore and wonder what we could possibly contribute to society. This line of thinking can lead us to devalue ourselves or fear that society devalues us as well. We can have low self-esteem, low self-image and this too can lead to anxiety, depression and we may find ourselves withdrawing from the world around us.

Part of devaluation is the thought that we are not valued by the people in our lives. We feel that we are burdens to our family and as we begin to lose our independence and family takes over more of the decision making for us, we begin “learned helplessness.” It’s almost as if the fight has left us and we don’t want to cause any more hassles or be any more of a burden than we already are, so we just clam up and go with the flow – whether it’s what we want or not.

Finally, when we start to experience these “little deaths”, actual death, complicated grief and other bereavement issues, these can all lead to “bereavement overload.” Unless, we can find some good coping strategies, we may go down a dangerous path of depression, decreased health and social isolation.

A good perspective on coping strategies is to think of them as prevention for avoiding bereavement overload. Firstly, focus on your health. Are you taking good care of yourself? Pay attention to your nutrition and exercise (within your capabilities, of course). Keep regular visits with your doctor, take your prescribed medications, keep track of your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood glucose levels. Maintain a sense of self. You have value and you have a lot to contribute to your family, to society and to the world. You have an important role as an older person. You have younger generations looking up to you as a role model, as a story teller, as the person to hand down family and cultural information to continue the family legacy. What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of characteristics or ideals would you like to promote? How do you want to be remembered? What kind of meaning do you want from your life? What kind of footprints will you leave behind? The more active you become physically and mentally, the more you will be able to maintain your independence. If you have any regrets, now is the time to change things, to make amends.

If you would like more resources, I hope you find the following links helpful:

www.karenannquinlanhospice.org

www.livingto100.com

www.aarp.org (1-888-687-2277), 601 E. Street NW, Washington, DC 20049

Remember – “. . . But the greatest of human possibilities remain to the very end of life. . .” By Robert Butler.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S. If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center. We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community. As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

Suicide Survivors

2007-07-02T13:36:00.000-04:00

“If he loved me as much as he said he did, why did he kill himself? Why would he do this to me?”

“I know my dad was sick, but how can someone be so sick that they don’t care about their kids anymore? Didn’t he know how sad I would be?”

“They said it was suicide, but I think it might have been an accident. My sister would never have killed herself on purpose.”

“He knew I was on my way to his house. It’s as if he purposely killed himself at that moment so that I would be the one to find him. Why would a father do that to his son?”

“I came home from school and found her dead on the couch. I got scared and called my dad, but we couldn’t save her. They said she took too many pills. I don’t understand that.”

“We never fight. But we did that night. Those angry words were the last words I said to him and now he killed himself. How do I live with that?”

These are all people that have one thing in common – they are Suicide Survivors. A Suicide Survivor is not someone who tried to complete suicide and survived. They are the loved ones left behind to grieve the loss of someone who has completed suicide.

Whenever someone loses a loved one, it is extremely painful, but there seems to be some losses that are a bit more complicated than others. Losing a child is one example, losing a loved one to suicide is another example. Why should losing a loved one to suicide be more complicated? Because of all the questions that have no answers, the guilt, the anger and the blame. Not only is a suicide survivor dealing with typical grief issues, but they have all this other stuff going on as well.

When we counsel someone who is going through the grief process we advocate the use of support systems to help talk about the loved one and cry about the loved one. In most cases, this can be a difficult task because the griever does not want to burden their family or friends. For a suicide survivor this task is even more difficult because it can be difficult talking about the suicide. Perhaps they fear that they will be judged, or their loved one will be judged. Also, the details of the death may be difficult to talk about. People often share how their loved one died, but in the case of suicide, these details can make people quite uncomfortable and the suicide survivor picks up on these subtle cues and learns to keep these details to themselves.

When you take away these support systems from grievers, there is no way for them to movethrough the grief process and everythingstays bottled up inside. This can lead to a prolonged grief process, physical and emotional reactions. This is where a grief counselor can be most effective. The suicide survivor needs to talk about their loved one and the details of the loved one’s death. I try to provide an environment where they feel safe, where they feel they can say anything they want and they won’t be stopped or judged. Many times, that is all they need, just to be able to say all their thoughts and feelings OUT LOUD. I also try to provide an educational setting where the suicide survivor can eventually accept that their loved one’s death was not the survivor’s fault, but a choice made by their loved one. I wish there were one case that I could share, but the nature of the suicide survivor is that they often maintain a relationship with me, as needed, throughout the years. I believe this is due to the complicated nature of their grief.

Are there success stories? Sure! If a suicide survivor can learn to decrease the expectations they have of themselves in grief, they are a success story. If they learn to shift the responsibility of their loved one’s death off of themselves and onto the loved one, they are a success story. If they are able to share the memories of their loved one, without fear of being judged, they are a success story. If they can remember ALWAYS that we do the best we can, with the information we have, at that time, they are a success story. Most importantly, if they can learn to love and trust again, they are a success story.

Children and Art Therapy

2007-06-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

When observing a child, one can typically see playfulness, smiles, laughter and sheer joy in the world around them. Children live in the moment; every thought, every feeling, easily readable upon their faces. That is why they are such a pleasure to watch. We adults can relive those carefree, playful moments through them. The child does not yet realize that the world can be a harsh and demanding place. Until someone they love has died. Their expressions are no less readable then. When a child is grieving, one can typically see tears, fear, sadness and anger. The world where they had once been carefree now has been shaken, and the unfailing trust they had in the world, has now been irrevocably altered.

As a grief counselor, I feel for all of my clients in their pain, but it is the young people that affect me the most. Logically, I know that children are not exempt from the pain of losing a loved one, but it still does not seem fair that their innocent world should be changed in such a way. It saddens me to see a child who is so depressed that they seem to be physically trying to draw themselves inward, away from the world. Or so sad that they cannot muster a smile, or enthusiasm, for the things that once brought them happiness. Also, to see a child so angry; anger that can be seen in their eyes, in their defiant manner, in their abusiveness to their siblings and friends. Children are often frustrated by these feelings because they do not like feeling this way, but are unable to stop or understand it.

Depending on the age of the child, they are often unable to put their thoughts and feelings into words. This inability to express their emotions can lead to behavioral and health issues. Many of the children that come to us complain of headaches and stomachaches, and the parents, or teachers, usually describe a decline in study habits and acting out behaviors. It is critical that a child has support and help to be able to externalize these internal thoughts and feelings.

Art therapy is an excellent way to connect with children and give them an opportunity to express their emotions in a safe and healthy way. Our support groups and individual counseling sessions are designed to offer these opportunities to young people. Through the use of creativity, the children can become involved in a variety of art projects that help give voice to what they are feeling. It never ceases to amaze me when a young person is very reluctant to talk to me, yet when they become involved in an art project, I can see them visibly relax and they are able to open up and share. For the very young, I think they even take themselves by surprise when they realize they are offering more than they had intended.

Any time I work with young people, I am humbled and privileged by the act of their choosing to trust me with their most painful and personal thoughts and feelings. I know it can be difficult for a parent to be able to offer honest information regardingdying, death and grief, so often it is just avoided in the home. I try to offer an environment where the young people know this is the place where they can come and ask anything they need to without fear of being shut down or judged. Through my experiences, I feel that children are capable of hearing the truth, in an age appropriate manner – and even appreciate being given the information.

I would like to share a recent case that was very rewarding to me. I have been working with an eight-year-old girl who lost her father to cancer. Through our sessions, and the use of art therapy, she has been able to share her anger toward God, her frustrations at being the eldest sibling and her inability to focus at school due to her sadness. During one of our most recent sessions, we were making beaded bracelets. Most young people make bracelets for family members, friends or in memory of their loved one. She made a bracelet for me! The bracelet stood for “creativity”, “love”, and “strength.” When I asked why she picked out those words for me she explained, “Creativity – because you are creative and always think of fun things for us to do. Love – because you have to have lots of love to be able to do this kind of work and want to help other people who are hurting. And Strength – because you gained strength after your mom died.” Wow! Her mother also shared that she is using the same concepts she learned in our Children’s Support Group to help a friend who is struggling with a loss. Wow!

This is what it is all about. Helping a young person put a smile back on their face. Helping them learn resiliency and to regain the ability to reinvest in life. Helping them learn to identify and externalize their thoughts and feelings. Helping them learn healthy coping strategies. If you get a bracelet and a hug also, well that just sweetens the pot.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Are you a pet owner?

2007-06-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

If you are a pet owner, then you already know how intertwined our pets can be in our daily lives. It’s often not until they are gone do we truly realize how much of our daily lives they were a part of. This can be particularly true if in our pet’s final days, they were very sick and required extensive care from us. Pet owners may feel their pet’s loss most acutely when it was time to be fed and their pets performed special rituals that we adored in order to be fed, on their terms and on their schedule. Another time that their loss can be acutely felt is when we arrived home from a long day at work and our pets had a special way of greeting us at the door, and seemed to wipe out the stress of our busy day. Then again, as we relaxed during the evening and our pets came for the daily snuggle or cuddle. Or finally, when it was bed time and we couldn’t get to sleep without feeling the warmth and heaviness of their bodies lying across our legs, or on our bladders. Most of us not daring to disturb our pets, or their comfort, in spite of our discomfort. It is this kind of care and devotion to our special pets that we miss when they are gone.

You need support for this loss, just as in any other type of loss. You need to talk about your pet, share your memories and your pictures, with anyone who will listen and appreciate how special your pet was. Pet loss support groups are ideal for this kind of support. I have personally experienced a unique difference in people who have experienced a pet loss versus a human loss. Pet owners almost always bring pictures of their pets to the first visit of a counseling session, or on the first day of group, to share with others and to tell the story of their beloved pet. As pet owners we want everyone to know why this pet was so special.

As an animal lover, I say that all pets are special. In support of my opinion, current marketing statistics reveal that more people are treating their pets like family members, in particular, like their own children. As such, more veterinarians, and their staff, are becoming trained in anticipatory grief and bereavement support for their clients.

If the veterinary facilities are lacking this type of support, a pet owner who has suffered a loss, has the option of calling a variety of pet loss hotlines. To list a few: Tufts University Pet Loss Support Hotline, Monday through Friday from 6 to 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 508-839-7966, or www.tufts.edu/vet/petloss; CONTACT of Burlington County, New Jersey, 24 hour access, 800-404-7387 for NJ residents and 800-234-4688 for all others; Iams Pet Loss Support Center and Hotline, weekdays between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 888-332-7738; Chicago Veterinary Medical Association Pet Loss Support Hotline, 630-325-1600, all long distance phone calls will be returned collect.

In addition, many companies are offering different products to address the varying needs of the grieving pet owner community. There are many options to choose from such as a memorial quilt made with pictures of their pet, scrapbooking, journaling, memory boxes, plantings, memorial service or a burial with a special statue or stone. Memorial Markers can be found at www.amazon.com and memorial candles can be found at www.furryangel.com. If your pet was cremated, another popular trend is wearing jewelry that contains a portion of the pet’s cremains or having a stone made with the cremains. One site that offers this service is www.whisperintheheart.com. A pet owner may even want to make a donation to an animal shelter, university, or an organization that is conducting research on a specific disease or disorder, in the pet’s memory.

At this time, I would like to invite anyone who is in the area to participate in our next scheduled Pet Loss Support Group. It will be held Monday, June 18, 2007 from 11:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. in the Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice building at 99 Sparta Avenue, Newton, NJ 07860. There is a $5.00 registration fee, and pre-registration is required. This will be a time of sharing and support and one of the topics for discussion will be the use of journaling as a way to help with the grief, and as a way to honor and remember your pet.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

FAQ's

2007-05-16T22:20:00.000-04:00

My vacuum wasn’t working right this past weekend and I couldn’t find where I put the manual. Hey, there’s always Google. Which is exactly where I found my vacuum’s website and their troubleshooting section. As I was navigating the website, I could feel that I was getting closer to my particular issue with each passing click of the mouse. Then I hit the FAQ’s section. Most of us are familiar with this section of what seems all customer service areas. FAQ’s are Frequently Asked Questions. It seems most subjects have these FAQ’s. If one has the patience, you can usually find your question and the matching answer. If all else fails, you can still contact customer service.

Grief isn't so different. There seems to be some commonalities among grievers. This isn’t a bad thing, because it lets the griever know that they are not alone, that they are not going crazy, that they are not weird. One common theme among grievers is the question “why?” “Why” for a lot of reasons. Why did my loved one die? Why didn’t the doctors diagnose this sooner? Why didn’t I push to get them to thedoctor? Why didn’t I see the signs? Why didn’t I do things differently? And the biggest Why? Why did God let this happen? Why does God let children get sick and why does he let them die? Why did God take my loved one? Why couldn’t God take me instead? Why would God take a parent away from a child? Why would God take many people in one family? And one death after another? There are so many questions directed towards God, and I often hear, “When I get to heaven, I’m going to have a little chat with God and find out why he did all these things.”

I couldn’t help imagining that God is up there sitting on a throne, and there is a line of people stretching longer than the eye can see, disappearing into the clouds. They are all there to ask their “why.” However, a lot of the questions are similar where it pertains to the loss of a loved one. So being the busy guy that he is, he probably would have a list of FAQ’s. I also imagine the FAQ’s are posted on the pearly gates, so that before you enter heaven you would check the list to see if your question has been answered already before heading off into the line. Another counselor told me that she believes that our loved ones become spirit and that when you become spirit, the need to have your questions answered disappears. Almost as if once you become spirit, you have an all-knowing and understanding of what your life was and all the “whys.” Whatever it is, I do know that there are a lot of unanswered questions when we lose a loved one. Some questions we will never have the answers for in our lifetime, and there is no customer service to bail us out.

Part of the grief process is coming to some sort of terms with this and being able to move forward. It’s human nature to want to know the answers to our questions. We crave understanding to be able to accept what has happened in our lives. Loss, in particular, is something we don’t want to accept. For me, to accept something means that I’m ok with it. People are rarely “ok” with losing a loved one. I prefer to say that part of the grief process is learning to live with the loss, or assimilating the loss into your life. Whenever you “learn” about something, you change and grow. Learning to assimilate the loss into your life is no different. We never forget the loved ones who have died, but it does change you and you do grow as a person from the experience. If your question isn’t on the FAQ list, you have to learn to assimilate the loss into your life without the answers and without customer service.

Please be gentle with yourself,

Diana

P.S. If you have found this article, or previous articles, helpful, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to the Bereavement Center. We are a non-profit agency and we operate solely on donations from the community. Any donation, no matter how great or how small, is greatly appreciated and will be acknowledged.

Should my child attend the viewing or the funeral?

2007-04-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

When asked this question, my first response is, “What does the child want to do?” If the child doesn’t want to attend, I suggest gently exploring the child’s reasons. It may be they just don’t have adequate or correct information about what a viewing or funeral is to make the best decision for themselves. Their decision may be based on falsehoods or ideas they received from movies, television, stories heard from friends or attitudes about the death that had been role modeled by the adults in their life. Answering a few simple questions from you may help them in their decision to attend.

The next question I usually ask is, “How old are they?” This helps in providing age-appropriate information. This developmental guideline will help in knowing how they perceive death and dying, and as such, know how to explain these concepts in terms they can understand. You can refer to my posting dated May 29, 2006 titled, “Children and Grief” to learn more about children’s developmental perspectives on death.

If the decision is made to let the child attend, then make sure you take the time to explain everything they may encounter in that situation so they will be prepared. If it’s a viewing they will be attending, let them know what a funeral home is and what it will typically look like. Let them know about viewing the body, what the body may look like, how it may feel, that the body will be laying in a coffin and what is a coffin. Usually a discussion about what it means to be dead is had before you get this far, because depending on their age, you may need to re-explain that death means you can’t feel anymore. Let them know about the different reactions they may see people having. Let them know that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Let them know that it is ok to cry, laugh or play. Let them know that it is ok for you to cry and for them not to be worried. Have a back-up plan in case they are unable to handle the event once they get there, or perhaps you become too grief stricken to attend to the child. Usually it is suggested to have a relative or trusted friend, available to take the child to another room, or back home. The same explanation process holds true for the funeral. They will have questions and curiosity about coffins, being buried or being cremated. If you need help with the correct terminology, or how to initiate these types of conversations, feel free to contact me. I have many resources that can be helpful with these situations.

Always, the best rule of thumb is to provide honest, age-appropriate information. Children have active imaginations and will fill in their own blanks about a situation if information isn’t provided to them from the adults in their life. Often what they come up with is worse than the truth. Children can be very capable of handling most information. However, after advising parents on this question, I always defer to what the parents feel will be best for their children. After all, they know their child better than anyone. I’ll give you an example of a scenario that can be possible for your children, based off of recent personal experiences.

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2006. She spent many days in the hospital, endured many days of chemo, lost her hair, lost a lot of weight, became weaker and fatigued with each passing month, until her death in February. Her youngest daughter and son-in-law have a 5 ½ year old daughter and a 7 year old son. When Grandma was first diagnosed and in the hospital, the children were told, by their parents, that Grandma is sick and the doctors are trying to make her better. They were encouraged to make frequent visits to the hospital and their curiosity and questions about the hospital environment were answered very matter-of-factly. The parents role modeled appropriate behaviors expected in the hospital and toward their Grandma.

The parents continued to role model appropriate behaviors toward their Grandma when she came home, lost her hair, became thinner and weaker. They still continued to visit just as much as they used to and made her many get-well cards.

These children also had a prior, recent experience with loss when their pet dog died. Their parents explained that death is a part of life and that every living thing will one day die. They also explained that most people and animals die of old age, like their dog. Their dog was cremated and a basic explanation about what that meant was provided. Because this was done, they readily accepted the receipt of their dog in a wooden box that now sits in a special place on their mantel. On occasion, they take their dog on “walks” by carrying around her ashes. Based on the family’s spiritual beliefs, the children know that their dog’s soul is in heaven, and they believe she is happy and running around.

Based on these experiences, their grieving process, and the explanations that were provided to them, they were able to accept Grandma’s death more easily. They knew that Grandma had a type of sickness that the doctors couldn’t fix. They knew it wasn’t a sickness that everyone gets, and it’s a sickness that’s very different from being sick with a cold. You don’t have to teach your children about all the ways a person can die, or the different ages that people can die. Just use the teachable moments as they happen to enter your child’s life and take it from there.

These children did want to go to the funeral and their parents did explain to them what to expect. They were encouraged to write a letter or make a card to put in the casket with Grandma. This was done because although we all knew that Grandma had cancer, she was actively seeking treatment and her death was sudden and unexpected, which left a lot of things unsaid by the family. After the first day of the viewing, Grandma’s casket was filled with letters, pictures, cards and the 5 ½ year old made paper flowers to put in the casket with her Grandma. Grandma looked festive and well-loved.

Both children also observed the behaviors of the adults present that first day. The 5 ½ year old approached the casket and said, “Hi Grandma” then knelt down at the railing, bowed her head, clasped her hands together and prayed. She then got up and ran to the next room to play. The 7 year old did the same as his sister, but he also observed that many of the adults were crying and carrying around tissues. So when he got up from the casket, he reached for a tissue and started to dab at his eyes, while looking up at his dad to make sure he was doing the right thing. Even though he truly wasn’t crying, his dad put an arm around him and said, “I know buddy, it’s ok to be sad.” As the day progressed, the family members became less visibly upset and upon observing this, the 7 year old announced, “I’m glad people aren’t sad anymore. It’s ok you know, we’re all going to die someday, even me.” The grief counselor in me was most impressed, and I gave him a huge hug and told him how much I loved him. He broke away from my hug and looked at me strangely, perhaps wondering why that response from him would elicit such a response from me. To him, he stated an obvious truth. He was quite comfortable with this fact of life. He ended the evening by approaching the casket and saying, “See you tomorrow Grandma. Have fun in heaven tonight.”

The next day showed they were no less prepared. As we gathered to say our final good-byes to Grandma, before going to the church for the funeral service, many family members became visibly upset again as each one approached the casket. Upon seeing her older cousin crying at the casket, the 5 ½ year old joined him, put an arm across his back and looked up into his face. Saying nothing, she just patted his back. He gratefully held her as he cried and they got up to leave together. How does a 5 ½ year old know that just being there for someone in pain can be just as powerful and healing as words? She modeled the behaviors that were role-modeled to her by the adults in her life.

Once we got to the church, the children asked their mother when they would see Grandma again. When they realized they wouldn’t actually get to see her in the physical sense anymore, they beganto cry. But their mother reminded them that Grandma was in heaven, just like their dog. She also reminded them that Grandma was going to be cremated, just like their dog was. And just like their dog, Grandma would have a special place on their mantel. These explanations and beliefs seemed to help ease their sorrow. We did wonder if Grandma would now join them whenever they decided to take their dog for a “walk” again. But as the children work through their grief process, the need to “walk” their dog, and Grandma, will become less and less.

If more children felt this comfortable about death and dying, we’d have a more supportive world in our adult years. Should your child attend a viewing or a funeral? Ultimately, it’s up to you, the parent, to know what your child can handle, but know the key is what kind of role model in grief are you able to provide to your child.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

What do we need during grief?

2007-03-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

Hi all, I apologize for not posting in a great while. To be perfectly honest, my mother-in-law passed away on February 25th and I have not been able to get my head back into the game. I realize that I have been extremely delinquent in posting, so I wanted to offer this article that I was going to submit to some papers and magazines. I hope many will find this helpful and I thank you for your understanding until I can get back into the swing of things.

What do we need during grief

As a grief counselor, I would say we need a lot of things, but one thing in particular – time. Society has an idea of how long it should take a person to “get over” their loss. One of the most common ideas is that one should be done grieving after a year. Many companies offer a bereavement leave of 3 days, IF the loss was immediate family. Fewer days are offered if the loss was extended family – and probably none if the loss was a friend or pet. Anyone who has experienced a significant loss will probably feel that these are inaccurate timelines in grief.

Grief, in general, can be experienced in a variety of ways. If a person were experiencing sleep disturbances, appetite changes, poor grades, nightmares, dreams of the loved one, sighing, listlessness, low motivation, clinginess, social withdrawal, fighting, and regressive behaviors (bed-wetting and thumb sucking), grief may be affecting a person’s behaviors. If someone were experiencing the inability to focus and concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self-destructive thoughts, preoccupation of the death, confusion and disbelief, then grief can be affecting their cognitions, or thoughts. If a person were experiencing anger, guilt, regret, mood swings, depression, relief, feelings of helplessness, fear, loneliness and anxiety, then grief can be affecting a person’s feelings, or emotions. If an individual were experiencing headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness, a pounding of the heart, hot or cold flashes, increased illness, tightness in the chest, an empty feeling in the body, tightness in the throat and stomach aches, then grief can be affecting their physical being.

The effects of grief do not end there however. A person can experience symptoms affecting their behaviors, thoughts, feelings and body – all at the same time. They can also experience more than one symptom from each of these areas, and again they could happen all at the same time. It is easy to imagine that if an individual has not experienced a loss before, they may question their emotional stability. Many people seek to medicate themselves in an effort to dull, or blunt, these symptoms. Just as many people seek help from their physicians, who in turn often prescribe anti-depressants or anti-anxialitics to help their patients “get over the hump.” Medication is just a band-aid for the symptoms. It will cover up the pain for a little while, but it will not take the grief away. Sooner or later the person will have to stop taking the medication and the grief will be there waiting for them. Waiting to be dealt with; waiting to be acknowledged.

Grief and depression are tricky companions. Depression certainly comes with grief. However, we caution people about using anti-depressants while in grief due tothe fact that once the medication is stopped, people will start to feel just as bad as when they first started taking the medication. This surprises a lot of people who felt that they were starting to “get over” their grief, when in actuality they were just delaying the inevitable. This is not to say that if someone is diagnosed as clinically depressed and are grieving that they should not take medication. That’s why grief and depression are tricky companions. One can be diagnosed as clinically depressed AND be in grief. This is a case where one definitely needs to take their prescribed medication. However, a person can be in grief and exhibit one of the symptoms of grief – depression. This may be a case where the person needs to express their emotions and give themselves the gift of time in order to work through their grief.

We always say that you can’t hide, deny or run from grief. It will always be waiting to be dealt with. One must work through the grief. One will never “get over” their loss, but they will learn to accommodate the loss into their life. People, who are grieving, may be struggling with trying to figure out who they are now without their loved one in their life. They may be struggling with finding new goals, new meaning, and new directions. This is all part of the grief process and must be given – time!

Please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Variables in Grief

2007-02-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

My husband's grandfather passed away one week ago today. He lived a beautiful, long life and died at the age of 97. Some may say he lived a good long life, so his loss will not be felt as deeply. Perhaps, but for me, his death represents one less truly good, loving and generous person walking on this earth.

We talked earlier about the Variables in Grief and how these can determine how each person will grieve in their own unique way. As I participated in the full day of activities, I looked around and saw how the Variables were working. As each event unfolded, emotional barriers were broken down and family members comforted one another. At the viewing, it seemed the duties of paying respects, saying hellos and good-byes filled everyone with a sense of purpose and although some tears were shed, most held themselves in a composed manner. During the church service, emotional barriers began to break down as we each heard the pastor's words, sang the hymns, and looked upon the casket. At the veteran's cemetery, a special service was held and emotions were broken down even further by the touching ceremony given for our grandfather in honor of the service he gave to his country. As we gathered at the church once again for a meal, the comfort we had given each other throughout the day had shored us up and gave a period of time to rest before we felt we had to grieve again.

Everyone who had gathered that day, held special memories of Grandaddy, and grieved in their own unique way according to their relationship with him. The fact that he died at 97 years of age was a variable for some family members' grief. I heard one say that she felt it was a relief that he passed and was no longer suffering. For many, this was their first significant loss. Without having any life experiences regarding death before, they may be feeling the grief more acutely than some other family members. These were just a few of the Variables that I observed that day.

I often hear from people that their family members are not grieving the same way as they are. Or they share that they feel the rest of the family does not understand them or what they are feeling. Look to the Variables. Everyone will grieve in their own unique way and the Variables may give you a clue as to why.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

What does it mean to be a widow?

2007-01-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine lost her husband and told me that she never speaks the "W" word. I innocently asked, "What is the "w" word?" Thinking it had to be something like the "F" word. Well, it WAS a bad word, and to some the word may seem obscene. The word is "Widow."

My friend went on to explain that just because her husband had died, didn't mean that she stopped feeling married to him. True, most vows include "Til death do us part," but the vows didn't say, "I'll stay married to you until you die and then we no longer have a relationship." The vow merely says that death has parted you. Most widows and widowers I know believe that when their time comes, they will join again with their spouse. So it's just that death has parted you for a time.

Some realists will read this and say come on now. If we were take those vows literally then none of us would ever get remarried or become reinvested in life. That's true too. But that's why I ALWAYS say, "We each grieve in our own unique way." Meaning if you want to grieve, move on and become reinvested in life, then by all means do so. If you want to grieve, move on, become reinvested in life, but choose not to remarry again, then there is nothing wrong with that choice either.

I must admit that after the time I have spent in grief counseling I was surprised that I had never heard anyone express my friend's sentiment in quite that way before. I always try to listen to people with an open mind, that is, after all, how we learn and grow. Then I came across an article titled, "Spousal Bereavement" and the author wrote expressing the exact same sentiments that my friend had and I thought, "Well I'll be darned, she's on to something." So I have included the article in this posting in the hopes that it may benefit someone.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

SPOUSAL BEREAVEMENT

Lynn Caine, Widow

“Widow” is a harsh and hurtful word. It comes from the Sanskrit and it means “empty.” I have been empty too long. I do not want to be pigeon-holed as a widow. I am a woman whose husband has died, yes. But not a second-class citizen, not a lonely goose. I am a mother and a working woman and a friend and a sexual woman and a laughing woman and a concerned woman and a vital woman. I am a person. I resent what the term widow has come to mean. I am alive. I am part of the world.

If fate had reversed its whim and taken me instead of Martin, I would expect him to be very much a part of the world. I cannot see him with the good gray tag of “widower.” He would not stand for it for one moment. And neither will I. Not anymore.

But what of love? The warmth, the tenderness, the passion I had for Martin? Am I rejecting that, too?

Ah, that is the very definition of bereavement. The love object is lost. And love without its object shrivels like a flower betrayed by an early frost. How can we live without it? Without love? Without its total commitment? This explains the passionate grief of widowhood. Grief is as much a lament for the end of love as anything else.

Acceptance finally comes. And with it comes peace. Today I carry the scars of my bitter grief. In a way I look upon them as battle stripes, marks of my fight to attain an identity of my own. I owe the person I am today to Martin’s death. If he had not died, I am sure I would have lived happily ever after as a twentieth-century child wife never knowing what I was missing . . .

But today I am someone else. I am stronger, more independent. I have more understanding, more sympathy. A different perspective. I have a quiet love for Martin. I have passionate, poignant memories of him. He will always be part of me. But –

If I were to meet Martin today . . .?

Would I love him?

I ask myself. Startled. What brought the question to my mind? I know. I ask it because I am a different woman.

Yes. Of course I would. I love him now. But Martin is dead. And I am a different woman. And the next time I love, if ever I do, it will be a different man, a different love.

Frightening.

But so is life. And wonderful.

We Remember Them

2007-01-18T15:53:00.000-05:00

Before the new year begins, the end of the old year is filled with remembrances. A yearly tradition is to post a list of names of the famous, or influential, people who have died. We often look over the list of names and remember how that person touched our lives, how they may have changed our culture or perspective, perhaps even our laws. But we all know a great many people who may have affected us, and our lives, in this way, but they may be unknown to the masses. We also know that just because "the masses" did not have the privilege of knowing this person, did not make this person any less special, or any less worthy of our remembrances.

I wanted to try a blog memorial for anyone who wanted to remember and memorialize a loved one. If you would like to add a loved one's name and any comments about them and what made them so special, please feel free to access the comments section of this posting and I will update this posting daily to include all names and comments. I will continue to do this until people stop adding names. If you see a loved one's name already on the list, feel free to add it again. Your comments and remembrances may be different than a previous listing, and will show how valued and loved this person was. I also wanted to include a popular reading that I like to do during our memorial services.

WE REMEMBER THEM

Sylvan Kamens and Jack Reimer

At the rising of the sun and at its going down, We Remember Them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We Remember Them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of Spring, We Remember Them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of Summer, We Remember Them.

At the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of Autumn, We Remember Them.

At the beginning of the year, and at its end, We Remember Them.

When we are weary and in need of strength, We Remember Them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, We Remember Them.

When we have joy we crave to share, We Remember Them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make, We Remember Them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs, We Remember Them.

As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, As We Remember Them.

Memorial Names

Judith Mae Kruse (Atwood), She was my mom and died unexpectedly when I was 20. I miss her every day and I feel her presence just as much. Her death was very influential in leading me on the path that I am on today. The things I want people to remember about her most was that she was animal lover (particularly cats - for those who know me, that explains a lot, doesn't it?), she had a great smile, she was funny and she loved her family.

John H. (Jack) Barrett, He was one of the five people I consider my role models. Mr. Barrett was my Scoutmaster and helped teach me discipline as well as respect for nature. I believe that my enjoyment of the outdoors comes directly from him. He passed away just before Christmas in 2004. "

Donald L. Kane (Don) was my beloved husband. He passed away suddenly in November 2006 at the age of 56, a week after our daughter, Jacqueline, got married. He was a wonderful, loving, caring, hardworking man who never hurt a soul in his life. He was very quiet, and you might think he wasn’t paying attention, but he never missed anything and never forgot anyone he ever met or worked with over the years. He was an animal lover, too…he brought home almost every stray that crossed his path over the years…4 dogs, a hamster, 6 baby rabbits. We had 34 wonderful years together. We really never fought…hon ..."

Eugene Kruse, He was my Godfather and Uncle. He waskilled in a drunk driving accident when I was very young. I don't have many memories of him, but the ones I do are of a very loving and generous man. He was one of my first comforting memories as a child. I still have many of the things he gave to me when I was born.

Olivia White, was my friend and I met her while she was a client for our veterinary hospital. I helped take care of her and her dog and became very good friends with her. She never married and was an only child. She took care of her sick aunt and parents and hospiced them in her home, when hospice wasn't an easy choice back then. Her pets were her children and she loved her white poodle, Teddy.

Charles E. (Gene) Keith, my loving spouse of 34 years who suddenly passed away on December 15, 2006. I feel I have a hole in my being without him. He was a kind, caring and wonderful man who loved his family and God with all his heart. He was retired from Phillips Petroleum for about 8 years and worked as a contractor and built houses for the last several years.

Charles Randow, my grandfather-in-law. To me, he was what every grandfather should be. He always made me feel like I was his real granddaughter, not just by marriage. He always asked about me, my activities and what I was doing. He always remembered every detail of my schooling, work and my many pets. Most importantly, he told me he was proud of me. He was truly a loving and generous man with a tremendously huge heart.

Kenneth James, 45. Gone from this earth way too soon. A brave person who quietly fought a battle with cancer. Among his selfless commitments to others, Ken was a volunteer Fireman with Engine Co #1 Pompton Plains, NJ, for many years.
In the time after his diagnosis, Ken never wallowed in self-pity. Through it all, he was a rock for the rest of us who asked plenty of times, "why him?".

Ruth Sebzda, my Mother. Another of my five role models (Jack Barrett from an earlier post was another). My Mom was always there for my Father, Sisters and me in so many important ways that it would be impossible to describe them all. Words cannot describe what she means to me. Lets just say I love her and I will miss her terribly.

My beloved grandson Aaron died on March 13th, 2007. He was 24 years old & the light of my life. I miss him so very much & keep asking "why", why him & not me. He was a young man with his life ahead of him. There are many things I ask myself, such as What If, If Only. My wound is so deep & hurts beyond belief. Knowing I will never see his smiling face & sparkling eyes, running thru the grass with his dog is more than I can deal with. How do you get thru these days? I know that life will never be the same again, how could it be. When does that pain inside of you ease? Please God, keep Aaron close to you.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S. If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center. We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solelyon donations from families, clients and the community. As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

Focusing

2007-01-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

Last week I was having trouble focusing on what would be an appropriate topic to post. I had other issues going on that were making it difficult for me to maintain my concentration and stay focused on my task. When life throws you a curve ball and you become focused on that issue and the surrounding implications, it can be very difficult to focus on other aspects of your life; of your every day activities. This is true for people who may be experiencing grief.

People in grief are so focused on their loss and the surrounding implications that it becomes very difficult to focus on the other every day activities, such as work, home and family. The surrounding implications are called "secondary losses" which mean how does this loss affect the other areas of your life. Did your protector die? Did your provider die? Did your companion die? Did your best friend die? Did the person who handled all the household finances die? Did the person who knew how to fix the car or fix anything that went wrong in the house die? This list could go on and on, but you get the point.

Take for example a widow just had her heat go out in the middle of winter. She is already grieving and consumed with the sadness of the loss of her spouse. Throw on top of that, she might not know who to call to come fix the furnace. Where does she look for information? How will she know that she is contacting a reputable company? Can she trust being in the house with the repairman alone? Does she pretend that she is not alone? How much will it cost? Does she have enough to fix it? The estate hasn't come out of probate yet, if she pays for the repairs now, will she have enough money for food, bills, medical, etc.? And this list goes on. If you asked this widow to think about solving another problem or taking on another task, you can well imagine that she wouldn't have the energy or motivation to fulfill that request, let alone stay focused on that new task as well.

That is why I say, "Please be gentle with yourself." I also like to say, "Don't have such high expectations of yourself during grief." People have a tendency to be their own worst enemies. During grief, you don't need YOU criticizing yourself, or berating yourself, because you didn't do something you thought you should do, or didn't act fast enough, or didn't think something through more thoroughly, or whatever it is that we like to beat ourselves up over. As time goes on, you will be able to regain more and more of your focus and you will find that you will start to become more motivated, more energized. You just need some patience, time and some kindness - to yourself.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself - AND don't have such high expectations.

Diana

The Flip Side of the Holidays

2006-12-26T10:24:00.000-05:00

I know this was a tough time for a lot of people. People have a tendency to become reflective around this time of year. The holidays are surrounded with many memories – favorite holiday as a child, favorite toy, favorite tradition and favorite food. But it’s also surrounded with the knowledge that as we grow up, we change – our traditions change, our lives change, and many of these memories become faded or are lost completely. So the holidays become a time where there is happiness, mixed with tinges of sadness as well. This can be felt even more so if you have lost someone you loved very much. People also have a tendency to become reflective around the New Year. People think back upon the last year and the changes that have happened, the good and the bad. They then turn toward the future and begin to reflect on what the New Year will bring, what hopes, changes and goals will they try to achieve in the upcoming year.

It’s very easy to become lost in your thoughts and depression, to think thoughts such as “what’s the point?”, “why did this happen?”, and “how did this happen?” These are age old questions that I believe have never been answered and probably will never be answered. It’s called “LIFE.” If you are reading this post, then you are alive and living. As long as you are alive and living, you will continue to grow and change. You will continue to collect memories, good and bad. You will continue to collect life experiences, good and bad. You have a choice in how you want to live your life. If we don’t have the power to change the outcomes of events, if we don’t have the power to get the answers to life’s age-old questions, we have no other choice but to go on living and hoping for the best. It’s what you decide to do with your life that counts. Will you focus on the negative aspects of a life you can’t control? Or will you focus on living each and every day to the best of your ability? One never knows what is waiting just around the corner, what surprises are in store for us. Live each moment as if it might be your last. Be with your loved ones as if that moment with them could be the last. Try to live with no regrets and no guilt.

I know – easier said than done – but you do have the choice.

It's That Time of Year!

2006-12-15T13:56:00.000-05:00

The holidays can be an especially painful time of year for people who are grieving. There are some radio stations that switch their format to Christmas music 24/7 the day after Thanksgiving. The stores seem to have Christmas decorations up at that same time as well. The mailbox is jam packed with Christmas catalogs, trying to entice people to buy gifts from their store. In amongst the catalogs are Christmas cards from family and friends, party invitations and final pleas from a variety of places to give a donation before the end of the year. Everywhere we look, everywhere we turn, we are confronted with festive sights and sounds. There seems to be no safe haven to escape and grieve in peace.

The Christmas Waltz has a famous lyric that most people know, “It’s that time of year when the world falls in love. Every song you hear seems to say, ‘Merry Christmas, may your new year’s dreams come true.’” People who have suffered the loss of a loved one and are grieving may feel they will definitely NOT have a Merry Christmas and their dreams will NOT come true. They want their loved one back. That’s the dream they may have. At any time of the year, people who are grieving try to hide their grief from friends, co-workers and family. They don’t want people feeling sorry for them, or they don’t want to burden other people with their problems, or they feel if they cry, they might make people uncomfortable. Now, during the holidays, this can become increasingly difficult to do. When one is confronted with so much joy and cheer, how can one be a wet blanket and ruin everyone’sfun? Particularly if joy and cheerare the last things someone might be feeling.

When we talked about “coping with the holidays”, in an earlier post, some of the suggestions were to try to be gentle with oneself. We don’t have to accept ALL the holiday gathering invitations. We don’t have to send out Christmas cards. Try not to have such high expectations, particularly around this time of year. If there is a need to cry or be sad – go ahead. Don’t worry about ruining the holiday spirit for others, they will understand. Maybe initiate some new traditions. Perhaps doing something completely different will turn it from the “holiday without a loved one” into the “holiday where we (insert whatever you want).” My husband, Jack, came up with the example of making this the time of year to go on vacation, or take a trip, as a way of doing something completely different. Then the holiday season can be spent organizing, planning and preparing for the trip – not dreading spending the holiday without the loved one. This is by no means a way to say the loved one will be forgotten – we all know that can never be done – but a way to make a new meaning for this time of year.

Many years ago, my mom died in February. As we entered into our first holiday season without her, it all seemed so sad. The tradition of the family gathering on Christmas morning would be different. We had never had a Christmas apart before. My mom had made, some type of fried dough covered in granulated sugar, and served it one Christmas morning. This kind of special memory was gone forever, just like she was, therecipe never to be found. My sister and I had moved out to be on our own, she with her husband and son, and I with Jack (not yet my hubby). It was only my brother and my dad, waking up in our home by themselves on Christmas morning. I didn’t know that Jack had other plans. He knew how much we missed my mom, and he knew how sad that Christmas was going to be without her, so he wanted to create a different memory on that day. We went to my Dad’s house, as planned, and we started to open presents. Jack gave me a present and I opened it to find a beautiful, black lacquered, jewelry box. I was instructed not to open it yet because he had a question for my Dad and my brother. He then proceeded to ask them both for their permission to marry me. After their shocked reactions to the affirmative, I opened the box to find my engagement ring. That change in tradition definitely shifted the tone and the mood of the day. A new meaning was made, for me and my family, for this time of year.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

What Do You Want?

2006-12-07T15:47:00.000-05:00

Working in hospice and in bereavement, we are faced with the difficult challenges and decisions that people have to make in what is already a very difficult time. Thinking about our death, or our loved ones' death is not what we want to think about, so we go in denial. Let's only talk about pleasant things, let's not discuss uncomfortable, sad and depressing things. What happens if you get diagnosed with a terminal illness? What happens if a loved one dies unexpectedly? Often we see families arguing with each other about what the loved one would want. This is the time that the families should be coming together in support of each other - not fighting. However, if wishes are not written down or stated, it's a guessing game as to what the loved one wanted. Same holds true for people who have a terminal illness. If their wishes are stated before they die, then the time they have left can be spent sharing meaningful moments and memories with family. One client stated that it took the pressure off of her and the family knowing what their loved one wanted.

It's human nature to put off what we know we should do, especially it it's something we're not all too jazzed up about doing anyway. How many times have you thought, "I really need to make a will, or update my health care proxy."? How many times have you thought, "I have plenty of time, nothing is going to happen to me. I'm young, I'm healthy. I'll do it tomorrow, or next weekend."? Well, there is an easy way to get this task done. There is a simple form titled, "Five Wishes" provided by www.agingwithdignity.org, or you can call 1-888-5-WISHES.

There are five parts to the form, or "five wishes", where you are guided to write down your wishes in the event of . . . .

Wish #1 refers to the Health Care Proxy. This is where you determine who you wish to act on your behalf if you are not able to voice your wishes. There is also a section where you can "customize" your living will.

Wish #2 pertains to what you want your caregiver to know about the kind of medical treatment you would like in certain situations, such as if you were on life support, close to death, had brain damage, were in a coma or wished to have a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.

Wish #3 deals with the kind of comfort care you would wish from your caregiver, such as pain control, how to assess your symptoms, whether you wanted a cool cloth to be applied to your forehead, if you wanted to have your lips or mouth moisturized, if you wanted a massage, or music to be played or spiritual passages read while you were close to death.

Wish #4 is for the kind of treatment you want from others while you are near death, such as whether you wanted visitors, do you want to be touched, do you want people to talk to you or pray with/for you, do you want pictures of your loved ones placed around your bed and where you want to die.

Wish #5 tells your loved ones what you want them to know, such as you love them, you have forgiven them, you want them to forgive you, to respect your wishes, that you want them to seek counseling after your death, to make peace with each other, whether you are to be buried or cremated, where do you want your body or cremains to go, who is the designated person who knows your funereal wishes, what do you want said at your service, what kind of songs do you want played, what kind of flowers do you want or any other special requests. There is an extra space for other wishes, such as whether you want to donate your organs or your body.

I often share my personal wishes with my husband. I tell him that I don't want a viewing, I want to be cremated, I want a memorial service that plays certain songs and I want it to be like a huge party where people can share their memories and be a huge support to each other. Since I've been doing this work, he gets used to my rantings and he simply replies, "Well, you better have it written down somewhere if you want me to remember all of that." Hmmmmm, I better get the "Five Wishes."

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S. If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center. We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and thecommunity. As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

The Use of Rituals - KISS

2006-11-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

Rituals are used quite often, not only during bereavement, but in our everyday lives. Rituals specifically used in bereavement offer the griever an opportunity to feel connected to their lost loved ones. Rituals can also offer a sense of peace and comfort to the griever, even if it's only for a little while. Often, a griever may have problems working through their grief process because they interpret that if they stop grieving their loved one, they will forget them. NOT TRUE! We all come to know that eventually, but when someone is in the middle of their grief, it is very hard to convince them of that fact. That is when we can use rituals as a way for the griever to honor and remember their loved one.

The key to making rituals a powerful, healing and symbolic action is in the KISS principle. Keep It Simple Silly! Ok, that last word wasn't supposed to be "silly," but I don't like the other word, and this is my blog, so I'm taking artistic freedom here. Rituals can be as complicated or as easy as you want them to be. However, I have found that the less complex a ritual is, the more likely a griever will use it. Let's face it - when you're grieving, it can be a chore just to get out of bed in the morning and take a shower. Who would want to participate in a complicated ritual? On Thanksgiving, my family has the ritual of everyone around the table taking a turn and saying what they are grateful for. Pretty simple, right? Well, it is - but my niece showed me that it could be made even simpler and the power of the ritual was not diminished, in fact, it made it even more special and memorable. As each person took their turn, most said they were grateful for their family and health. When it was her turn she said, "I'm grateful for my fish!" You can't get more simple than that!

Rituals can be as varied as your imagination and creativity allow. Here are some common ones that people seem to enjoy.

Sharing memories of the loved one with others who knew the loved one as well.

Sharing the loved ones favorite food or drink and helping others to know the loved one better.

Light a candle.

Plant a tree.

Play a song.

Release balloons - with or without messages to the loved one.

Build a bouquet of flowers.

This last ritual we actually use a lot in our children's groups and our adult groups as well. It is very simple and yet very powerful and effective. I have included the instructions here for your use. This ritual can even be used with family members.

Build a Bouquet

Supplies: Flowers, vase

Directions:

Lay flowers out on a table.

Have each person approach the table, pick a flower and place the flower in the vase.

As they place the flower in the vase, they can think to themselves, or say out loud, something they would like to convey to their loved one. (I miss you. I love you.)

The person goes back to their seat and allows the next person to go up to the table.

Once the bouquet has been built, everyone sits quietly for a few moments and observes the beautiful bouquet that was put together with loving thoughts.

Remember, rituals don't have to be complicated. They just have to feel meaningful to you. Remember KISS!

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Getting Back in the Saddle - Part 2

2006-11-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago we discussed “getting back in the saddle again.” This week, I would like to explore that a little more. Clinically, the term for “getting back in the saddle” is “reinvestment.” Many people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief, but a similar concept is Therese Rando’s Tasks of Mourning. The final task is “reinvestment.”

Therese Rando proposes that a person who has experienced a loss will have to work through these tasks. These tasks are similar to the stages of grief, in that there is no set way a person goes through these tasks. It is highly individual and a person can go through them in a step by step fashion, they can bounce back and forth between the tasks or they can even become stuck at a particular task for a very long time. We typically use these tasks to help an individual in grief recognize where they are in their grief process.

Tasks of Mourning

1. Recognize the Loss: An individual needs to acknowledge and understand the

loss.

2. React to the Separation: Experience the pain of grief and offer it a release.

Learning to accommodate the loss of the person into their lives. This period can

be an emotional roller coaster.

3. Recollect and Re-experience: Share stories and relive memories of the

relationship that was lost.

4. Relinquish Old Attachments: Release the hold on the loved one that has

passed. It is difficult to hold on and move on at the same time.

5. Readjust: To adapt to a new world without the lost loved one, but not

forgetting the loved one.

6. Reinvest: To have a renewed energy and interest in life.

This last stage represents more than just showing a renewed energy and interest in life. It also represents the ability of the griever to put their heart and emotions into another relationship knowing that there is a possibility of feeling this intense pain again. If you are a gambler by nature, you might feel more comfortable taking this chance. For some people, this is a HUGE risk. But unless you want to face a life of loneliness and without companionship or friendship, this is your only choice.

When you are faced with making this choice, you find yourself weighing the options of putting your heart out there once again. If you take the leap, how many years will you get with this relationship? Chances are you may have many wonderful years with this relationship and have many gifts of happiness along the way. Surely that is worth taking the risk, because if you do happen to lose this relationship again, the happy memories can outweigh the pain of the ending, right? It sounds logical at the time, but anyone who has experienced a significant loss knows that is not true. In time perhaps one can remember the happy memories with less pain, but at the moment of loss, the pain obliterates all and the pain is all there is.

So let’s not get emotionally involved in any more relationships. It’s much safer that way, right? It’s also boring, lonely, miserable, unhappy and most importantly, not a very honoring way to live your life without your loved one. I don’t know one person that I have loved and has left me, that has wanted me to remain miserable and lonely. We all know that our loved ones want us to go on living the best life that we can and to continue to offer our gifts to others along our life’s journey. The experiences we gained from knowing our loved ones are experiences we can give to others as well.

To me, the most honoring thing I can do for my lost loved ones is to take the lessons they offered me from their life experiences and use them to make future relationships I may be lucky enough to have feel vibrant and fulfilled. Most lessons people take away are not to take loved ones for granted, to appreciate every single moment we have with them because we never know when it will be our last. Then when we take the leap again, and if, God forbid, they leave us – we will know in our hearts that we gave them everything we had to give, and with time, when the pain has diminished and we are able to focus on the happy memories again, they will be abundant.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Diana

Coping with the Holidays

2006-11-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it's hard to believe it's that time of year again, but I have already given a lecture on "Coping with the Holidays" for a local residential home and passed out some info at our support group last night, so I think it's fair to share the same info here.

The holiday season can be a difficult time of year for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Instead of the bustling happiness that may seem to surround you, you may be experiencing feelings of dread, anxiety and overwhelming sadness. Here are some suggestions and tips that you may find helpful in getting you through this time of year.

Prepare yourself. Try to give some thought to the challenges that may await you in the holiday season. Think about what you will say when an invitation to a party comes your way. Plan an answer for when the family asks if you will still host the traditional holiday feast at your home. You may want to participate in holiday events and you may want to continue with holiday family traditions; but it perfectly acceptable for you to not want to participate as well. You may want to suggest making new family traditions.

Know your limitations. Don’t give in to family and social pressure. Learn to say no. You are the only one that knows how much energy you have to deal with, “going to a party”, “baking cookies”, “decorating the house”, “keeping up with family traditions.” Again, doing these things may make you feel better, but be kind to yourself – if you don’t think you’re up for it – say “no.” Or say “yes”but make it clear that it will be tentative, based on how you feel when you wake up that morning!

Holiday emotions. It’s ok to feel sad during this holiday season and it’s ok to feel happy. Go with the flow. If you want to cry – cry. If you need to talk about your loss with someone – find that someone. If you find yourself having fun – go with it, don’t guilt over it. Laughing is healing.

Holiday chores. If you must do some of these chores, here are some suggestions:

Shopping – Pick a time when there are less crowds. If you don’t want to go alone, take a friend or family member with you. Try catalog or on-line shopping.

Sending cards or letters – Try to shorten the mailing list.

Getting a Tree – If you decide to get a tree, try getting a smaller one, or a tabletop version.

Consider participating in a ritual. Rituals can be healing and a therapeutic way to honor our loved ones. Rituals can include lighting a candle, playing a special song or listening to special music, reading or writing poetry, etc. Other ideas are to give gifts on behalf of your loved one as a way of honoring and remembering them. You can also spend some time reflecting on the "gifts" your loved one has given you in the past.

If you find that you are alone for the holidays and would like to do something meaningful, there are always volunteer opportunities where you can focus on the spiritual and giving aspects of the season.

Just remember that you know yourself better than anyone else. You know what you can and cannot handle. Please be gentle with yourself.

Until next week,

Diana

Compassion Fatigue

2006-11-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

Last week we talked about Caregiver Stress and Strain, which focused on someone who is caring for a loved one. This week let's talk a little bit about Compassion Fatigue, which is focused on people who work in the helping professions.

Compassion Fatigue is a concept that has been around for awhile, but seems to be more accepted and recognized as a valid danger for people who work in the helping professions. Some may be more familiar with other terms such as Vicarious Trauma, Grief Overload or Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder. The definition for Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder is "the state of tension and preoccupation with the individual or cumulative trauma of clients as manifested in one or more ways including reexperiencing the traumatic event, avoidance/numbing of reminders of the event, and persistent arousal." Some at risk professions are Emergency Care Workers, Counselors, Mental Health Professionals, Medical Professionals, Clergy, Volunteers and Human Service Workers. Even people who aren't in the helping professions can fall prey to Vicarious Trauma through the daily intrusions of the media regarding violent crimes and traumatic events. By being constantly subjected to these images, it can create a persistent arousal state within us and we may not even be aware that it is happening. Some examples are being an overly protective parent, a hypervigilant female, or the complete inability to trust people.

The symptoms of Compassion Fatigue are important to discuss, because a lot of them are symptoms that people can experience on a daily basis and just explain them away as being due to the stress of daily living. However, if you are in the helping profession please be aware that if you have these symptoms, these are warning to practice self-care and prevent burn-out. The symptoms can be found in these seven areas, Cognitive, Emotional, Behavioral, Spiritual, Personal, Physical and Professional. Let's discuss some of the more common symptoms in each category.

Cognitive: We may begin to feel apathetic about our work, clients or patients. We may become preoccupied with the disease process, illness or trauma. Professionals often talk about the occupational hazards of working in the health field. For example, it is common to hear someone saying they have a pain in their abdomen and they are convinced it's cancer because a client of their's had similar symptoms and that's what they were diagnosed with. We can live in perpetual fear of what's going on in our body and can begin to question the medical community if we perceive they are not on top of their game.

Emotional: Anxiety, depression or overly sensitive. We may become guilty because we feel we should have or could have done more for our client/patient. We may become shut down where our patient's and their families can no longer elicit emotional responses from us.

Behavioral: Irritable or sleep disturbances.

Spiritual: We can start questioning the meaning of life and our religious beliefs.

Personal: We can become withdrawn from our loved ones, and have decreased intimacy with our significant others. This may be done in an effort to not become emotionally available to anyone, or we have given so much of ourselves through work that we have no more to give to our family. We may become intolerant of others. We may become overprotective parents.

Physical: We may have a lowered immune system because of the stressors we encounter on a daily basis, and much like Caregivers, people in the helping profession usually sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others.

Professional: Our work may suffer because we have low morale, low motivation, staff conflicts, unusual or high absenteeism, fatigue and irritability.

So it's easy to see how mundane some of these symptoms can be, so it's particularly important for us to pay attention to these symptoms, especially if they are compounded. One way to keep track of how we are doing in our work is by doing check-ins with ourselves. There are several tests out that very quick and easy that one can take to see if they are in danger of Compassion Fatigue, or worse - Burnout. These tests can be found on-line.

The Compassion Fatigue Self Test - can be found at www.ace-network.com/cftest.htm. It's a simple, ten minute test that will rate your level of Compassion Fatigue and your risk for Burn-out.

The Compassion Satisfaction and Fatigue Test - can be found at www.isu.edu/~bhstamm. Even though this test has been simplified, it is a little more time consuming, but it will not only rate your level of Compassion Fatigue and Burnout, but also assess your current satisfaction with continuing in the helping profession.

The Caregiver Strain Index - can be found at www.medscape.com/viewarticle/488917. This is a simple test that is used by Caregiver's but it has the same principles for knowing your level of Compassion Fatigue. I call it the quick and dirty test to do an occasional check-in.

Now the next thing is you know if you are in at risk category, you know the symptoms you may have, you know how to evaluate yourself to see if you are heading into trouble, but what can you do prevent it? You have to practice self-care. We all know this, however it is easier said than done. I realize this, but seriously - if you want to continue to help people and do the good work that you do, then it is necessary and vital that you take care of yourself. The first lesson is to practice saying "no." People in the helping profession have a very difficult time with this. You may find it easier to start practicing saying "no" on family members or friends. You also have to find what is meaningful to you. Develop your own self-care plan. What will your plan contain? You have to develop the same coping strategies that you would if you were suffering the loss of a loved one. One of the main tenets for coping strategies in grief, is the value of the support system. So what are your supports? I have an earlier blog that can help with this is more detail, but if you are in the helping profession, what about your work environment or agency - use them as your supports. Who will better understand the pressures you are under at work, than a peer or supervisor?

Here are some other key strategies that you may find helpful:

Know your own triggers and areas of vulnerability. Learn how to avoid them and diffuse them. For example, if your case involves a terminally ill child that is similar in age to one of your own children, then you know that this case may be an emotional trigger for you. What are your alternatives in dealing with this and preserving yourself? Can another professional handle the case? Can you talk to your supervisor about your concerns? Can you summon a strong support system to help you through the case? It's important to explore and discuss your options. You don't have to tackle this alone.

Allow yourself to grieve. People in the helping profession are expected to respond to the human loss, emotion and tragedy that surrounds them everyday as part of their work, but they are not expected to react as a human. Impossible! The fact is there will be clients you become attached to, there will be clients you lose, there will be clients that you grieve their loss.

Set boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are in place as protective measures. It is very common to have the boundary line blurred from time to time when you are working in the helping profession, that is only natural, but learn to recognize when you are getting ready to cross the line and why - this will help you keep those boundaries in place in future situations.

Alter irrational beliefs. There are many different reasons why people are drawn to the helping professions. A lot of us are perfectionists and don't want to be judged. We need to know that we can't do it all and we don't have all the answers. Replace your irrational beliefs with affirmations, such as "I am capable," "I am competent," or "I am good."

If you still need convincing that you need to take the time to practice self-care, there are a lot of sites on the Internet regarding this topic. Please explore them and convince yourself that you need to fit yourself in to your schedule in order for you to continue doing the good work that you do for your patients, clients and the community.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Caregiver Stress

2006-10-31T09:35:00.000-05:00

The definition of a Caregiver is one who is responsible for someone else's welfare. When thinking of this definition one typically thinks of a parent caring for a child. However, as the picture above depicts, often it can be a child caring for a parent, a spouse caring for a spouse, or someone caring for an individual dealing with a chronic or terminal illness.

Often the Caregiver is overlooked because most of the focus tends to be on the individual receiving the care. However, it is important to focus on the Caregiver as well, in order for the Caregiver to continue being an effective caregiver. That sentence seems redundant, so let me try to explain.

The "real" definition of a Caregiver is one who keeps paperwork organized, is a medical insurance expert, a scheduler, a chauffeur, helps clean the loved one, cooks for them, gives them their medications, runs errands, pays the bills and cleans the house. In some cases, one can add taking care of the children, and a variety of other tasks as well. This list is definitely not inclusive of all the responsibilities that are heaped upon the Caregiver, and this list doesn't even begin to mention the emotional components of being a Caregiver.

Some of the symptoms of Caregiver Strain:

Sadness: Caregivers often feel an intense sadness for a variety of reasons. Typically when one is making life plans, rarely do they include caring for a spouse or parent who is suffering from a chronic or terminal illness, or the issues of old age. It can be very upsetting for a Caregiver to see their loved one changing right before their eyes. To see what was once a vibrant, independent, healthy person now becoming a shadow of their former self. Also, a sadness for the dreams that were lost and can no longer have, such as retirement plans, special trips, or goals that can no longer be met.

Irritability: Caregivers are often stretched to their limit and their tolerance becomes limited.

Mood Swings: Care plans can change on a daily basis, which leaves the Caregiver in an emotional see-saw situation.

Fatigue and Disruption of Sleep: The Caregiver often does not have support in the home, so has to be available when their loved one needs them, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. This means that if the loved one wakes during the night, so does the Caregiver. If the loved ones naps during the day, often a Caregiver does not have the option of doing the same because they are using that time to catch up on housework, pay bills or other errands. It's like taking care of a baby, you have to take advantage of the quiet times to get as much done as you can. So when does that leave time for the Caregiver to rest? It often doesn't which leads to an overwhelming fatigue.

Disruption of Eating Patterns: The same holds true for eating. Often when it is meal time, the Caregiver must feed the loved one and then proceed with the post meal clean-up. Again, Caregivers often don't have the time to eat in a healthy fashion. The situation is often a quick grab of this or that and the food or meal choices are usually not the best.

Decrease in social activity and a feeling of isolation: Caregivers often can not find support to give themselves a break, so they may reject invitations to get out of the house. Also, once the Caregiver gets out of the house, they are so consumed with worry over their loved one that they find they can not enjoy themselves, so avoid social situations altogther. This only increases their sense of isolation as their support of friends dwindle.

Frustration, overwhelmed, anger, guilt and feeling like there is not support from family or friends: Caregivers often find themselves overwhelmed and frustrated with their responsibilities to their loved one. This can also lead to feelings of anger toward their loved one and family members for perceived non-support. This vicious cycle leads to feelings of guilt for feeling angry toward the loved one. After all, this once vibrant, independent, healthy person certainly does not want to be dependent on their loved one for all of their care.

Typically what happens in a Caregiver Strain situation is when the loved one does die, the Caregiver finds themselves in a strange situation. What once ruled their daily life, is now gone. There is a sense of not knowing what to do with oneself or what direction to go. They feel like their lives have no meaning now without being able to care for another. In addition, their immune systems are so compromised because of the lack of sleep, the poor nutrition and the general lack of self-care, that it is not uncommon for the Caregivers to break down and succumb to illnesses of their own. Caregivers also struggle with grief issues. They either feel surprised at the acute feeling of grief they have, or they feel guilty for not feeling the acute grief and having a sense of relief or acceptance instead.

If you find yourself in a situation of being a Caregiver, it's important to try protect yourself and reduce your symptoms and the strain as much as possible. Many Caregivers feel like it is a gift or an act of love to be able to provide the care to their loved ones. You have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to provide a high level of care to your loved one. This is easier said than done, but it is very important to try to "internalize and own" this concept.

Here are some key concepts to consider:

1. Caregivers often run by schedules (doctor appointments, meal times, bathing times, etc.). Try to put yourself into the schedule. Schedule an hour to replenish yourself. What is important and meaningful to you? Do you like to read, watch a special show, knit, garden, meditate, pray? Can you find a volunteer, parish member, neighbor, friend or relative to come in for one hour in an effort to provide you with this time?

2. Call the Social Service agency in your community for Caregiver tips and ideas. Often they will have "respite program" designed to give the Caregiver a break or change of scenery.

3. Try Journaling. People often find a great release in keeping a journal. People have used journaling as a way to share things with their loved one, as a way to get out their own feelings about being a Caregiver, or to focus on things they can be grateful for on a daily basis (reframing your situation).

4. Try to stick to a daily routine. Change can be disruptive and add chaos to what can be an already overwhelming and frustrating time for the Caregiver and for the loved one.

5. Keep a folder handy that will help to keep all your paperwork organized and easily retrievable.

6. Incorporate exercise and proper nutrition into your daily schedule. This will enable you to keep doing the good caregiving work you offer to your loved one.

7. If possible find a support group for Caregivers in your area. There are several on-line supports available. Here a few:

Caregivershideaway at http://groups.yahoo.com. This chat room is designed to be a safe place to share feelings and experiences as they relate to caregivers.

men_support at http://groups.yahoo.com. This chat room is designed specifically for the male caregiver.

Also, you can try to contact:

The National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP). This federally funded program provides services to help family caregivers.

National Eldercare Locator (800)-677-1116. This organization can help you locate your local Office on Aging. You can also visit www.eldercare.gov.

So if you find that you fit the definition of Caregiver - add caring for yourself in that definition and you can probably prevent the symptoms of Caregiver Strain and the after effects of grief.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Back in the saddle again . . .

2006-10-24T10:01:00.000-04:00

Well, after quite a few weeks, I'm back in the blogging saddle again. I must apologize for not keeping up with the weekly articles. We recently wrapped up our first training for the Sussex County Schools called Healing in the Elementary School Classroom. Much preparation and organization went into this initiative and it was quite successful. We had a total of 17 participants representing 14 schools in the county, so we were quite pleased for our first attempt. The participants were given a lot of information, but the main points were how to implement support groups in their schools and how to create crisis management plans and teams. If you are interested in getting more information on this workshop, please feel free to contact me at 1-800- 882-1117.

Now for a different getting back into the saddle. A lot of my ideas for my articles come from prevalent themes from issues I deal with in my work. In the last couple of weeks, I have had a few clients with issues of being ready to reinvest in life but their children are not on the same page. This can be a tricky road to navigate. To put the situation bluntly - a spouse has died, the surviving spouse is ready to start dating again, but the children do not like the idea (and that's putting it mildly).

We first have to go back to the "Variables of Grief." One of the variables is "personality style," - how a personality is typically, is how they will grieve typically. Since families are made up of different individuals and personalities, you can assume that you will have different grieving styles in the same house as well. This can be difficult as everyone will seem to be at a different stage of grief, or task of mourning. For example, the surviving parent is ready to reinvest in life (date again), but the children may not even have accepted the death of the parent yet, let alone be ready to reinvest in another parental relationship again. They typically interpret this as someone trying to take the place of the deceased parent, and become resentful and angry.

We also have the variable of "age" - what developmental stage are the children? Do they understand the finality of their parent's death? They may not accept a new parent if they believe the deceased parent is going to come back one day. Or if they are a little older, they may understand that death is final, but don't quite understand how death works. They just know that death can take someone they love, someone who provides for them and keeps them safe. How can they risk loving anyone else (reinvesting), when death can take anyone at any time? It's much safer to not love anyone or depend on anyone, that way it won't hurt so much if someone does die again. Another aspect of the reinvestment stage, is if the surviving parent begins dating someone who has children themselves. So now the children may be worrying about having to love (reinvest) new sisters and brothers, or worry about the new siblings taking some of their parent's attention away. If your child is an adolescent, they may be struggling to gain their own independence. They will most likely resent any new parent coming in to take the place of their deceased parent. They will resent any new authority figure imposing new family rules and guidelines. They will also feel protective of the deceased parent and will often remind the new parent that they are not their biological parent. They can even become protective of the surviving parent and no one will ever be good enough for that parent, in their teens' eyes.

So, what do you do if you are a surviving parent and you wish to start dating again? It has been my experience that most families do not handle this situation well. I don't mean to be discouraging, but simply honest. If you are a surviving parent and are interested in dating again, you have to know this, and be prepared. Regardless of the age of your children, I would not introduce new people into their lives, unless you are serious about the new person. If you decide to introduce a new person into their lives, always be honest and age appropriate with the information that you provide. Reassure them that the new person is not taking the place of the deceased parent. Reassure them that you love them just as much as you always have. Reassure them that their safety and security will not be taken away as a result of this new person coming into their lives. Reassure them that you will still be there for them.

Get it? Reassurance! Do it over and over again. Let them know that they can come to you with any questions or concerns they might have about this new person. Listen to them! Reassure them! If you get back in that saddle again, it may well be a bumpy ride. By being prepared ahead of time and anticipating trouble spots, you can smooth out a lot of those bumps.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Emotional Rollercoasters

2006-09-25T10:48:00.000-04:00

Often we talk of “emotional rollarcoasters” when trying to describe what it’s like to go through the grief process. But even I was unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster experienced while dealing with a loved one with a serious illness.

We talk about “anticipatory grief” in terms of the emotions you experience while dealing with a loved one with a terminal illness, but what if the loved one hasn’t been given a terminal prognosis? What if your loved one has been diagnosed with an illness and a prognosis hasn’t been given? What if treatment options don’t seem to be working and you see loved one being ravaged by the treatment? What if you see your loved one suffering from complications of the treatment? What if it seems that the cure is worse than the disease? What if your loved one and their doctor have a game plan, but no one else seems to know what that game plan is? What if you come from a large family and everyone has their own opinion about what is going on and what should be done? And so the ride begins.

Now you are on this ride and you have all of the above as factors in how you deal with this situation emotionally, but wait . . . we’re not done! What if your loved one is in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis, sometimes a daily basis? What if your loved one had to have emergency surgery to reduce symptoms of the disease or complications from the treatment? What if your loved one almost dies, due to hospital error, complications or a weakened condition? What if this happens repeatedly within a week’s time? What if during all of this activity you have several doctors on the “team” giving you their opinions on your loved one’s condition, diagnosis and prognosis – and they are all different! Well, heck – this is one crazy ride!

But wait – we’re still not done! What if you don’t live close to the hospital? What if you work a full-time job and can’t get to the hospital as often as you would like? What if you have family members doing most of the care and organizing and you can’t participate as much as you would like? What if you DO go down any spare time that you have, or you spend that time on the phone getting updates from your family members? How do you take care of your children? When do you go to the grocery store? When do you do laundry, vacuum, pay bills, mow the lawn? How do you take care of yourself – keep doctors appointments, get to the gym, keep a date with a friend – all without ticking off the other family members? Can we get off this ride yet?

Most people get off a rollercoaster and they feel dizzy and maybe a little upset to their stomach. After getting off this particular rollercoaster you might feel angry, frustrated, exhausted, intolerant and emotionally shut-down. When you read the above, it’s easy to see why you might feel this way, but when you’re going through the experience, it’s not so easy to figure it out. The important thing is to give yourself a break. In this case, you are definitely not to going to make everyone happy, so at least try to keep yourself emotionally healthy so that “when” you can be available for your loved one, you are atyour emotional best and can give all that you have in the care of your loved one. Do your best to meet each challenge as it comes and don’t think to far ahead about “problems” or “what ifs” that haven’t even come up yet. Deal with what’s on your plate – right in front of you – nothing more. This will ultimately help with the “ups and downs” of the emotional rollercoaster ride.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Anticipatory Grief

2006-09-01T10:50:00.000-04:00

Do you have an elderly parent that you see getting weaker and more dependent with the passing of each day? Do you have a spouse, parent, sibling, child or friend that has been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Do you know someone who is suffering from a form of dementia?

These are just a few scenarios that you may have experienced, or may be experiencing, with a loved one right now. When confronted with these situations you may find yourself dealing with Anticipatory Grief. This simply means that you are aware, on some level, of the eventual loss of your loved one and are grieving their death before it has happened. Just as in grief, anticipatory grief can have very many different feelings and reactions, depending on the variables involved with your situation.

Do you find yourself avoiding the issues, pretending that life is normal just like it was before your loved one became ill? Do you find yourself unable to have meaningful conversations and moments with your loved one for fear that it will be interpreted as trying to capture "what time is left" with your loved one? Do you find yourself avoiding serious questions, and avoiding the exploration of healthcare options, because you don't want your loved one to lose hope or stop fighting? Do you find yourself having unbidden, or uncomfortable thoughts as you observe the physical changes in your loved one? Do you find yourself depressed and sad, unable to function at work or at home? Do you find yourself mad at your loved one for being sick, dependent, or for making end-of-life choices that you do not agree with? These are all normal feelings, thoughts and actions, when dealing with anticipatory grief.

In some situations, you may feel that you are pulling away from your loved one emotionally. This too is normal as your mind is trying to make efforts to protect you from the grief that will surely come when your loved one dies. If you are not emotionally invested now, it won't hurt so much when they die, right? Maybe. But it has been my experience, that you will feel the grief, regardless of any protective measures that are put into place. There is no avoiding the pain of grief, nor the pain of anticipatory grief.

The best plan, in the event of anticipatory grief, is to prepare and protect yourself in other ways. Make sure you have a good support system in place. People in anticipatory grief, need to have someone that they feel comfortable with and can trust to be able to discuss all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that they may experience. Depending on what your loved one's situation is, there are many organizations, support groups and counselors that specialize in that particular situation and with anticipatory grief. Use them - that's what they are there for. Also, talk with your loved one, as honestly as you can and as the situation allows. Your loved one is more than likely having the same thoughts, feelings and emotions that you are and will welcome the opportunity to share them with their support system - YOU.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Are you grieving the loss of a pet?

2006-08-21T12:34:00.000-04:00

In an earlier article, we talked about "openly grieving" the loss of a pet. Grieving the loss of a pet can be difficult because some people just don't understand the close connection that some people have with their pets. Some people feel that their pets are family members. I have even heard some people say that they are more closely connected to their pets, than their human family members.

However, the loss of a pet can be felt differently by different people. It's just like the "Variables in Grief" article that was posted earlier, -- The grief you feel depends on the type of relationship you had with the deceased. -- This goes for pets too! Some people are sad that their pet has died, but seem to get over it rather quickly. Some people feel grief, but get a new pet right away, and that appears to help them in their grief process. Yet there are others who grieve the loss of their pet so deeply, that they can not even imagine getting a new pet - ever!

So why are there these differences? A book titled, "Saying Good-Bye to the Pet You Love" by Lorri A. Greene and Jacquelyn Landis describes it perfectly. It seems that there are three types of bonding one can have with their pet. If you read the descriptions, one can most certainly find the category they fit in - and by doing so, find the answer to why they feel they way they do - or just as importantly, prepare themselves for the kind of griever they might be.

In brief, with permission, I have included these "types" and their descriptions here.

1. Conventionally Bonded - Consider their pets as members of the family, but don't give them the same status as human family members. They provide homes and care, but the loss of a pet is not a major trauma. They do experience grief over the loss, but seem to recover more quickly than the other two types. This is the most common type.

2. Intensely Bonded - Consider their pets as integral parts of the family. They form deep emotional attachments and provide the same care to their pet as they would for the human family members. May exceed their financial means in order to provide care. May refer to their pet as their "surrogate child." They may experience a long grieving process and great sense of personal loss when their pet dies.

3. Uniquely Bonded - Consider their pets family members and may refer to them as "my best friend", "my son", "my daughter" or "my soul mate." They provide extravagant care and attention. The loss of their pet is devastating and their grieving may last a very long time.

I personally feel that knowing the type of bond you have with your pet will go a long way in helping you in your grief process. It provides an understanding on the kind of person that you are. If a friend or family member doesn't seem to be as supportive as you think they should be, think about the type of bond they might have and you might gain a better understanding for them too. I highly recommend this book for anyone who is grieving the loss of a companion animal or even for those who are dealing with anticipatory grief issues regarding a beloved pet.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Do you have a relative that is grieving?

2006-08-14T11:07:00.000-04:00

Our office often receives calls from family members that are concerned about the grieving style of another family member. We often hear statements such as, "I think they are on too much medication.", "I don't think they have cried since the funeral.", "They won't talk to me about 'the loved one'.", "They say they are fine, but I know that they aren't.", "They won't leave the house." The bottom line is - the grieving person isn't grieving the way someone else thinks that they should.

Read that last sentence out loud, several times if necessary. Does that sound right to you? It shouldn't! Why should someone else dictate how you react, feel and behave? They shouldn't! However, family members love each other and are naturally concerned for each other's well-being and safety. Being concerned for a family member doesn't make you a bad person, just a well-meaning person. So here are some things to think about before reacting to your loved one's grief.

1. Each person grieves in "their own unique way."

2. The relationship to the deceased may help determine the kind of grief reaction a person can experience. A parent who lost a child may experience a more prolonged and acute grief than a sibling who lost a sibling.

3. Each person goes through the Stages of Grief at their own pace. A mother may not be at the same stage as a daughter or son, and may never be.

4. Each person may have complicating factors, that another may not be aware of, that may make their grief last longer, or make them react differently to the loss than someone else would.

5. Men grieve differently than women. Children grieve differently than adults.

6. Some people are comfortable talking about their loved one and their grief, others are not.

7. Some people may be angry at God, their loved one, the medical community - some may not.

8. Some people may show outward signs of grieving (crying, talking, anger), others may keep their feelings focused internally (thinking, journaling, other activities done in private).

9. Some people find comfort in support groups, some prefer to "deal with things on their own."

10. Some may have "visions" of their loved ones, hear their voices, see them in dreams - and others may not.

The important thing to remember is that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. Each person has to do it in their own way. Each person will react and act differently depending on a lot of outside factors. Only a few of these factors were mentioned above, there are many, many others. If you are not sure if your loved one is grieving in a healthy way, call a grief specialist.

When in doubt, just let them know that you love them, care for them and are there for them.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

The Masks We Wear

2006-08-10T09:18:00.000-04:00

The decorating of masks is one of the projects that the children in our Children’s Art Therapy Program create. But the concept of “mask wearing” is not unique to children. Adults too, wear “masks” everyday. When we are in grief, we tend to wear our masks most of the time. We try to protect our children from seeing our pain and our tears, we try to protect our spouses because we don’t want them to feel bad, we try to protect our friends because we don’t want to burden them and we protect our co-workers and employers because we don’t want our feelings to effect our work, or potentially jeopardize our job. There appears to be a lot of hiding the grief feelings a person HAS to feel in order to get through the grief process. So when does a person get to work on their grief? When do they get to sit quietly to reflect and to cry? Not giving oneself this time can be detrimental to their physical and emotional being. If a person feels that their grieving is taking longer than they think it should, it could be that the mask needs to come off from time to time. There is no getting around it – you have to feel to heal. You have to let your emotions fill you (whatever they are – anger, sadness, guilt, regret), honor them (accept them without judgment), and offer them release (crying, pounding pillows, journaling, performing a ritual or memorial ceremony – lighting candles, planting flowers).

I found a writing that describes this process beautifully. Unfortunately the author is unknown so I cannot give credit where credit is due, but I hope you enjoy it and take the message with you.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying . . .

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled – for God’s sake don’t be fooled. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game. That the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one. But don’t believe me – PLEASE.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,a nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.

It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself that I’m really worth something. But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh will kill me. I’m afraid deep-down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front. I chatter to you idly in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.

So when I’m going through my routine do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say. I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I’m playing, the superficial, phony game. I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous – and me. But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want, or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me to aliveness. Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is me, if you choose to. Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So don’t pass me by.

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the more blindly I may strike back. It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man, I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. My only hope.

Please try and beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands – for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet. And I am every woman you meet.

Expectations in Grief

2006-07-31T12:08:00.000-04:00

The grief journey can be a long, painful, confusing time for many. For some, this may be the first time this grief journey has been experienced. Or this loss may feel different than a previous loss. At times one may question if what they are feeling is typical or expected.

Here is a list of appropriate expectations you can have of yourself in grief:

Your grief will take longer than most people think. Often a griever may hear, “You’re not over this yet?”, or “It’s been a year! You’re still upset?”

Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined. People don’t realize what hard work grief can be. Even on a subconscious level, you are constantly working on your grief. It is important to be very gentle with yourself during this time – for just this exact reason. Don’t expect so much from yourself right now.

Your grief will involve many changes and be continually developing. Experiencing a loss changes an individual forever. Part of the grief journey is the rediscovery of yourself without that special person in your life anymore.

Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life. Grief can be experienced in your emotions, thoughts, body and spirit.

Your grief will depend on how you perceive the loss. One of the variables in grief is the kind of relationship you had with the person who died. If you were closer, then it stands to reason that you may feel the loss more acutely than if you were just an acquaintance.

You will grieve for all the things the death represented, both symbolic and tangible. These are called “secondary losses.” You may be grieving the loss of companionship, a protector, a parent, a provider or a friend.

Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions. You may experience anger, guilt, regret, sadness and relief. You may also experience intolerance for others’ behaviors and actions.

The loss will resurrect old issues, feelings and unresolved conflicts from the past. People are often surprised that a loss has the power to bring up feelings from the past. It may be difficult to attend a funeral or memorial because it might remind you of a painful timein the past.

You may experience some identity confusion. Some people question who they are now that their loved one has died. What do they do with their life now? Their plans have been radically altered and changed. Do they continue with their plans without their loved one? Do they find something completely different?

You may experience a combination of anger and depression. People are surprised to find out that they can actually have both of these feelings at the same time.

You may have a lack of self-concern. Some people may find themselves just sitting around with their thoughts unable to focus on grooming habits, sleeping, eating or getting dressed for work.

You may experience grief bursts (bursts of grief that may occur with no warning). I often hear people express disappointment in themselves because they thought they were doing so good on their grief journey and for some reason they felt they backslid in their grief and were surprised to feel the pain just as fresh as if it happened that very first day. Again, it’s very important that you aregentle with yourself during this time. You are on a roller coaster ride and you have no control over it. Just because you have moments of intense grief, doesn’t mean that you have failed or are heading into a depression.

You may have trouble thinking and making decisions. Here again, people don’t realize how much work grief is. Your mind is constantly working on your grief whether it’s a conscious effort or not. This is definitely a time where your memory may not be as it always was. This is definitely a time where grievers are asked not to make any major decisions for at least one year after their loved ones death. It’s hard to think clearly and be focused during this time.

You may feel like you are going crazy. There are so many emotions and feelings going through a person at this time. One of my earlier postings mentioned that grief mimics insanity, especially if a griever doesn’t know what to expect on their grief journey.

So know you are prepared with some ideas on what you can expect of yourself on your grief journey. You are not crazy, you are grieving. Be gentle with yourself, let others know to be gentle towards you, and don’t expect so much from yourself at this time. Give yourself some time.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Men and Grief

2006-07-25T12:26:00.000-04:00

This is an article printed in Helping Hands by Katherine Fair Donnelly and Judith Haimes. I invite you (man and woman) to read it in its entirety and to think about your perspectives and society’s perspectives on men and grieving. Although I feel that we are growing, as a society, in our views on such matters – through my counseling experiences, I still hear some men apologizing for crying and I still hear some women saying that seeing their husband cry makes them uncomfortable because he’s supposed to be the strong one in the family. So, please read this article and ask yourself, “How do I feel about this?”

A Man’s Grief

It has been said that a man would rather suffer a heart attack than let his emotions show. Yet, experts say that tears are a healthy outlet and may account for why women outlive men, in part.

Most men fear the loss of their masculine identity if they openly display any signs of distress and often mask their feelings, hiding them from view. Fearful of being considered weak or unmanly, they endure the psychological impact of their loss; they must also brace themselves to meet the ever-present eye of public opinion.

In building an image to fit what our society expects, a man who reveals his emotions during a time of tragedy believes his is looked down upon by others. After all, have we not been taught that a “real” man will be strong in time of crisis . . . strong in time of war . . . strong under fire?

But, bereavement doesn’t rank side by side with other stress factors. The loss of a loved one transcends the barriers of do’s and don’ts for emotional behavior. The honest gut emotion of crying is similar to lancing a wound to drain the infection ---and a man or a woman is entitled to the right of diminishing the pain of sorrow.

For example, it is a natural response for a man to experience the same devastating upheaval in grieving the death of a child that a woman does. In suffering a loss of such magnitude, it is also natural for a man to deal with feelings of anger, guilt, anxiety, depression, frustration, and other real and gnawing thoughts. Grieving is a period of adjustment – for men as well as women.

A primary fear of men who hold in their grief and painful thoughts is losing control if they “let go.” They also fear emotional involvement – in the sense that if they start to talk, they will become vulnerable. For these reasons, a lot of men do their crying in private, preferring to be alone when they are hurting. But, in doing so, they may commit a great injustice to themselves as well as to their loved ones.

Most men cannot grieve because they do not know how other men feel. This cannot be emphasized strongly enough. Men who believe they must contain their emotions also believe that other men know how to handle those feelings. So, their reasoning is: “I have to be as stoic and strong as they are. Surely they must not be feeling the way I am. See how unemotional they are—there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way.”

Often, men are simply unaware that other men are really suffering the same way, struggling with the same inner pain, and the same conflicts of guilt and anger. They can’t conceive that this is “normal” behavior for a man who is grief stricken. When a man hears another man speak of a parallel tragedy, he then becomes aware that other men do indeed feel as he does. Suddenly, it hits him: “I am not the only man who feels like this!”

It is so important for men to be in touch with their feelings and experiences – and no matter what these are, to know they are valid and okay. Not every man has a similar reaction, but it is hoped each will permit himself a healthy grief process without the chains of the macho roles imposed upon him.

Sometimes it is difficult for a man to understand just what is going on inside himself. He may have trouble identifying feelings of grief and may not know how to deal with them. Counselors can help if they are aware that many times they need to give men permission to express pain, usually in the form of tears. But it is equally important that counselors indicate that tears are not the only signs of grief.

It is imperative for men to realize grief is a process that must be gone through. As one bereaved father said, “We grow according to how we experience this process. . . There is no healthy way around it –only through it.”

Personal note: If you are a man who is grieving, or you know a man who is grieving – you/they may want to participate in a support group. It is in a support group that men will see other men sharing stories and expressing their pain through tears and anger. It is in a support group that men will see that it is ok to feel this way, and more importantly, to express these emotions openly.

So, how do you feel about this? Is it time to change your perspective?

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Pet Loss

2006-07-10T11:45:00.000-04:00

Last week we talked a little about disenfranchised grief. However, disenfranchised grief is more than just "ways that people die." Disenfranchised grief can be due to the type or kind of relationship we had with the deceased. One of the key definitions of disenfranchised grief is the inability to grieve openly due to the socially unacceptable aspect of the loss. So to put this is relationship terms, perhaps one could feel that they could not fully grieve the loss of a co-worker, a celebrity, a friend or acquaintance, or perhaps a pet.

Pet loss is a difficult loss to grieve. Many people feel that their pets are family members, or treat them as their children. The pain of this loss is great indeed and should be grieved openly and fully, just as any other loss - but how many times have people been heard to say, "But it's just a pet. You should be over this by now." People who are grieving the loss of a pet don't have the benefit of being able to go to the many bereavement support groups in their area because their loss is not recognized as being big enough, or important enough, to participate in a group where people have lost a spouse, parent or sibling. But those of us who have lost a dear pet, know that this is not true. Here is a reprint, with permission, from Dr. Alan Wolfelt that shows that people have a "right" to openly and fully grieve the loss of their pet.

THE PET LOVER’S CODE

TEN INALIENABLE RIGHTS AFTER THE DEATH

OF A SPECIAL COMPANION ANIMAL

Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to grieve the death of a pet.

You loved your pet. Your pet loved you. You had a strong and profound relationship. You have every right to grieve this death. You need to grieve this death. You also need to mourn this death (express your grief outside yourself).

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk about your grief. Other pet lovers who have experienced the death of a pet often make good listeners at this time. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a variety of emotions.

Confusion, anger, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey after the death of a pet. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

After the death of a pet, your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel like doing.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.”

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

After a pet dies, you can harness the power of ritual to help you heal. Plan a ceremony that includes everyone who loved your pet.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

At times of loss, it is natural to turn to your faith or spirituality. Engaging your spirituality by attending church or other places of worship, praying, or spending time alone in nature may help you better understand and reconcile your loss.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did my pet die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Ask them anyway.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a special companion animal. Instead of ignoring your memories, find ways to capture them and treasure them always.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief after the death of a pet may not happen quickly. Remember, grief is best experienced in “doses.” Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of a beloved pet changes your life forever.

Excerpt from

When Your Pet Dies

A Guide to Mourning, Remembering, and Healing

Reprinted and distributed with permission from

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Center for Loss and Life Transition

3735 Broken Bow Road

Fort Collins, CO 80526

www.centerforloss.com

Grieving the loss of a pet openly, and fully, is becoming more accepted, but there are still some people out there that may say some hurtful things. So please remember that you have a "right" to grieve your loss. Please remember that there are groups out there to support this special kind of loss. A great website to visit is The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (http://www.aplb.org) and Lasting Friends (www.lastingfriends.com). Finally, please know that grief counselors are available to support all types of losses, including pet loss.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org or 800-882-1117.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S. If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center. We are a non-profit organization that serves the community and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community. As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

Are you grieving a death due to suicide?

2006-07-03T09:51:00.000-04:00

If you are, then you are a “Survivor of Suicide.” This does not mean that you tried to commit suicide and failed. This means that a loved one committed suicide and left behind survivors of their aftermath. Always there are family, friends and acquaintances that are left behind to wonder and ask the many questions that may never have answers: “Did I miss something?” “Did they leave any clues to what their intentions were?” “I should have taken them more seriously!” “Why didn’t they trust me?” “Why didn’t they love me enough to stay here and fight?” “How could I have not seen any signs?” The list goes on and on. It is this unending list of doubts and questions that plague the survivors of suicide. These unanswered questions, these unresolved issues can lead to complicated and disenfranchised grief.

In earlier postings we briefly discussed the concepts of complicated grief. Complicated grief can occur due to a variety of factors (back to back losses, traumatic and unexpected loss). Complicated grief can also occur when a person is experiencing disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person cannot openly grieve or talk about their loved one because the death was socially unacceptable (HIV, overdose or suicide).

Complicated grief basically means that a person can experience the effects of grief for a longer period of time, perhaps years after the loss. In normal or typical grief, a person is helped through the grieving process by talking about their loved one. As counselors, we encourage people to tell their story, to remember, toshare as much as they can, as much as they want, to whoever will listen. Being able to verbalize thoughts, feelings and emotions about the loved one’s death, is one the best ways to move through the grief process.

Imagine not being able to talk about your loved one’s death because you were embarrassed, or didn’t want your loved one judged by others. Who do you turn to? Who do you talk to? How do you verbalize your thoughts, feelings and emotions so that you can begin to move through the grief process? It is no surprise to find out that family members grieving the loss of a loved one due to homicide, overdose or suicide have difficulty with grieving for years after the loss.

So once again, the important thing is to establish a support system. Put into place a system that involves people you trust, people who care for you, people who won’t judge you or your loved one. Refer back to the earlier post on “support systems” and fill out the form. If you find that you are lacking in your support, then find professional support. Don’t be shy – pick up the phone and call 800-882-1117 or e-mail at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org. Individual counseling with a counselor who specializes in grief and bereavement is always encouraged. Sometimes it is helpful just to talk to a counselor on the phone once in awhile. There are also people who enjoy e-support, where they can e-mail with the counselor, back and forth. Some have even shared that it is a form of journaling for them. These are all encouraged.

Finally, try a support group. However, I caution going to a support group that has “generalized” loss. It is my experience that people who have survived a suicide may find a specialized support group to be most beneficial. You can go to http://www.suicidology.org to get information on groups in your area. You can also go to http://www.selfhelpgroups.org.

Until next week, be well and have a happy 4th of July holiday.

Diana

Book Review

2006-06-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

Support groups can be very powerful because they provide an environment where people realize that they are not alone in what they are feeling and there are others who have experienced a similar loss to theirs. The same holds true for published stories of the various losses experienced by people and their grief reactions to these losses. It can be very helpful to someone who is in the acute stages of grief, to read an actual account from someone who went through the same reactions and feelings. These stories provide messages of hope and suggest that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. One such book is, “Hannah’s Gift: Lessons from a Life Fully Lived” by Maria Housden. It is published by Bantam Books and sells for approximately $18.00.

I guess I should begin by sharing how I came across this book. I was attending a seminar on how to help children in grief. The author was one of the participants in the seminar (although I didn’t know she was the author at the time). We were supposed to portray a child we knew that was grieving and the facilitator and groups members would offer advise on how to help this child. The author shared that she was portraying her son, who was grieving the loss of his sister. The author was warm, friendly and unassuming. At the end of the seminar, she offered her book for sale. She shared that it was her grief experience dealing with her three year old daughter’s diagnosis of cancer, the treatments and her ultimate death. Here stood before me a woman who lost a child, a very painful loss to bear, and she appeared calm, self-assured, accomplished and at peace. I had to read her book.

Her story shares all the fears, struggles and sadness that any family that has gone through this situation has experienced. She shares feelings of guilt, anger and family discord. But most importantly she shares the joy, happiness, spirituality and courage that Hannah brought to her and the family in the short time she was here on earth. When people have read this story and shared their thoughts with me, the most common thought is, “Yes, this isn’t going to be easy, but it can be done.” The author even includes her personal e-mail at the back of the book and invites readers to share their thoughts and stories with her. This is an important story for anybody, not just for people who have experienced a loss, because it teaches a lesson on how to live and enjoy each day. This truly is a story of a life fully lived.

Until next week - Be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Grieving the Death of a Mother or Father

2006-06-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have now passed. These days are nationally known as dates set aside to honor our mothers and our fathers. We give flowers, gifts and cards. We take them out to brunch or have a family BBQ. However we decide to celebrate these days, we incorporate some form of letting our mothers and fathers know how much we love them, how much they mean to us and how they have impacted our lives.

But what about those of us who have experienced the loss of our mother or father? How do we feel as we see other families celebrating with their parents and we can’t? These feelings can have a wide range. Some can feel an overwhelming sadness over their loss, others can feel anger and even some can experience a jealousy. These feelings can also be intensified according to how soon the loss occurred and how close we were to our mother or father. These are all normal feelings to have, particularly on these significant days.

No matter how old we are, the death of a parent is a significant loss. As such, we need to be gentle with ourselves in our grief and allow ourselves to feel all the yucky emotions that will come. We are learning that avoiding these emotions will not result in them going away and never coming back. What will happen is that they will come with such a surprising force, when we least expect it, and when it’s most inconvenient. We need to acknowledge these feelings and find a way to express them before we can start to heal.

So what can we do on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day if we can’t give them gifts or have parties? We can remember them, and honor them. Find what is meaningful to ourselves and incorporate it into a healing ritual that will memorialize them. Some find comfort and a sense of connectedness by visiting the gravesite. Others like to meditate before their loved ones picture and a light a candle in their memory. Still others like to give a gift to their loved one’s favorite charity in honor of them. Be creative! Thinking about what would make your mother or father happy, is in itself an honoring.

We also find that by performing honoring rituals and memorials, we gain a sense of closeness to our loved one, and sometimes peace, even if it’s only for a brief moment. We may want to indulge in these activities more often than on special events or days and by doing so, we keep our loved ones in our hearts, every day. Now every day becomes Mother’s Day and Father’s Day!

Until next week – Be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Helping Children and Teens Understand Death and Grief

2006-06-12T09:59:00.000-04:00

This week I wanted to feature the use of books for helping children and teens understand the loss of their loved ones and the grief feelings they may be having. Books are an excellent way to facilitate conversations, between parents and children, surrounding uncomfortable subject matters such as dying, death and grief. Books are also an excellent resource for parents, teachers and counselors to gain a better understanding on how to help these children and teens.

The first book is geared towards younger children.

"Jungle Journey: Grieving and Remembering Eleanor the Elephant" by Barbara Betker McIntyre and illustrated by Michael O. Henderson. It is published by Traverse Publishing Company and is about $15.00.

The story focuses on the loss of a dear friend of the jungle animals, Eleanor the Elephant. The author does a remarkable job of describing the various feelings of grief that the different animals are experiencing. Some have different reactions to this loss based on their relationship with Eleanor (some were close friends, some were just acquaintances). Some have reactions to this loss based on what Eleanor did for them (provided protection and comfort). The story goes on to reflect how the jungle animals come together to support each other in their grief and find individual strengths and coping strategies to help them go on without Eleanor.

There are many pages where the storyteller can stop to ask the children if they have experienced similar feelings (why or why not), and offer a chance for the children to express their feelings in a non-threatening manner. We use this book a lot in individual counseling sessions and our experience is that it helps develop a trust and rapport between the counselors and the children.

This second book is geared toward offering guidance to adults who have contact with grieving children and teens.

"Helping Children Cope with Death" by The Dougy Center (The National Center for Grieving Children and Families). The cost of this book is $10.00 and you can visit their website for more information: www.dougy.org.

This book is very focused, brief and to-the-point regarding different aspects of grief in children and teens. It is written in laymen terms, with lots of pictures and examples to illustrate the goals of each chapter. The reader will gain an understanding of the stages of grief from a developmental perspective (different ages will respond to a loss and grieve differently than other ages), learn about some myths in grief, know what they may expect from their child or teen in grief, and get some guidance and advice on how to help children and teens express their grief and develop healthy coping strategies.

It is important to remember that the adults in a child's or teen's life are their role models in grief. They will learn from the adults if it is ok to cry or be angry, or if it's ok to ask questions or talk about the deceased.

If you have any questions, or need more information, please feel free to e-mail me at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org or call 800-882-1117.

Be gentle with yourself and your children.

See you next week,

Diana

Anger and Guilt in Grief

2006-06-07T13:57:00.000-04:00

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, it is possible that you are wrestling with feelings of anger and guilt. Do you find yourself angry at God? At the doctors? At your loved one? Are you feeling guilt because your last words to your loved one were unkind? You got in an argument? You didn't say "I love you"? Do you feel like like you didn't do enough in the care of your loved one? You didn't ask the right questions with the medical staff? You didn't advocate enough for your loved one?

Well, you are not alone - these are very common reactions, and feelings, in grief. It is human nature to want to blame someone, or something, for our misfortunes and losses. It is human nature to go over the events in the past and say to ourselves, "What if I did this? What if I said that?" If anger and guilt are not recognized and acknowledged, they can result in physical problems and the alienation of family and friends (your potential support systems).

Once you have recognized and acknowledged these feelings, you can work on finding healthy ways to vent them. Do you need some suggestions?

If you like to journal, you can write about these feelings and keep the journal or throw it away - the important thing is to get the feelings out.

Do you have someone you trust to talk to about these feelings? It is very helpful to verbalize these feelings to someone - not to get their feedback, but just to get them out in the open.

Perform some physical activity such as punching a pillow, exercise (kickboxing perhaps), gardening or carpentry.

Acknowledge your anger and guilt (it's normal, it's part of who you are and the traumatic event that you just went through), and let yourself off the hook so you can grieve.

If you have any questions, pleases don't hesitate to e-mail at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org or call 800-882-1117.

Be gentle with yourself.

Diana

Children and Grief

2006-05-29T16:55:00.000-04:00

Our Bereavement Department is in full swing organizing the next Children’s Art Therapy program in July, the Teen Grief Camp in September and a seminar on Children’s Grief Responses. What better time than to write about children and grief?

Helping children who have experienced a loss can be done, but you may have to look at it as putting together a jigsaw puzzle. If you have read my previous entry on variables in grief, you have an idea of what I’m talking about already. In brief, a child can respond to a loss in a variety of ways, for a variety of reasons. Those are the puzzle pieces that you need to put together to figure out what’s going on because the child may not tell you, or can’t because they may not understand the reasons themselves.

Some of the things to look for are:

How old is the child? The stage in their development will help give you an idea of how they perceive death. For example, children age 2 to 6 years may not understand the finality of death. They may think their loved one will come back after they are done being dead. Children age 7 to 10 years begin to understand death’s finality, but view death as something that happens to other people, not to them. They may also have an intense curiosity about death, the funeral, the burial and cremation. Children age 11 and older not only understand death’s finality, but their own mortality, and the fact that death can occur for many different reasons, not just because someone was “old.”

What kind of relationship did the child have with the deceased? They may respond differently to the loss of parent, than they would for the loss of a sibling, grandparent or friend.

What role did the deceased have in the child’s life? Were they a protector, provider, friend, teacher, or confidante?

How much information did the child have about the death? Was the child told, in an age appropriate manner, about the death and the funeral? If it was a long-term illness, was the child a part of the discussions and decision making process or were they not told in an effort to protect them.

If you have a child and you need to tell them a loved one has died, don’t worry – just follow these simple steps.

Explain what happened, as truthfully as possible, in an age appropriate manner.
Answer their questions, again as truthfully as possible, in an age appropriate manner. If you do not provide the information, their imaginations will supply the information for them, and it is often worse than the truth. They will ask the same questions over and over again, especially if they are younger. Please be patient with them and answer the questions as many times as they ask.
Include them in the arrangements. Let them go to theviewing/funeral/memorial service, if they express a desire to do so. Explain to them, in an age appropriate manner, what they can expect so they will be prepared.
Be a role model in grief to your child. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of them. You need to feel to heal and they do too. If you try not to cry in front of them, in an effort to protect them, the message they get is that it is not ok to cry. They will hold their grief in and it will eventually come out in negative ways (aggression, anger, depression, isolation).
Involve them in conversations about the loved one and involve them in any activity that will memorialize the loved one (memorial garden, scrapbooking, journaling, drawing).
If you are feeling overwhelmed, call a professional for help. It may be that your grief needs are so great, that you don’t have enough energy to tend to your child’s grief needs. That is normal and perfectly ok. This is the time to call a grief counselor to get the extra support that you and your family may need during the grieving process.

If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org or call 800-882-1117.

Also, if would like more information about our Children’s Art Therapy program or Camp Connections Teen Grief Camp, please ask for a brochure.

Be well,

Diana

To Group or not Group, that is the question!

2006-05-24T16:14:00.000-04:00

So the question is - Do you want to go to a bereavement support group, or not?

Well, hopefully after reading this entry you will have a better idea of whether a support group is right for you. You may also get an idea of what to expect when you get there, how to participate, if you participate, what to say and what not to say.

Let's start with a crash course on bereavement group structure. There is typically two types of groups - open and closed.

Open groups tend to be ongoing (there is no start or end date). Usually there is no pre-registration required. The groups are held on the same day and time of every month and participants are encouraged to just show-up if they feel they would like to come to a group on that particular day. Often times these groups will be called "drop-in" groups, because participants can just "drop-in" at any time.

Advantages:

1. No commitment on your part is needed, which is very important in grief. You may not know if you will want to come to group until that day arrives.

2. Since these groups are on-going, a person can depend on these groups being a permanent place of support, until they no longer need this extra help.

Disadvantages:

1. It is very difficult to offer psychoeducational components on grief due to the ever-changing group participants. The focus is more on telling the "story", not on learning how to move through the grief process.

Closed groups usually have a start and end date. These groups are usually six to eight weeks in length. Once these groups are started, new members are usually not allowed to participate. You can expect to have a pre-registration and a nominal fee. The focus of these groups are psychoeducational in nature, with some attention to telling the "story." However most of the time will be spent learning about the grief process and coping strategies.

Advantages:

1. These are highly focused groups, and some people prefer to have this focus and a more work-like (or school-like) atmosphere.

2. When a person is experiencing grief, they may feel like they do not want to leave the house, or participate in any outside activities. Time limited groups offer a chance for the grieving person to leave the home in a gradual manner, that will have positive benefits.

Disadvantages:

1. Since these are highly focused groups on psychoeducation, the sharing of stories are usually not a primary goal, which may leave some members feeling as if they need more support.

Keep in mind that support groups are not for everyone. I like to advise people that they may come and see what it is all about and no one will be offended if they need to leave before the group is over, or if they decide they do not want to come back. Some people prefer support groups, some people prefer individual counseling, some people prefer both.

When your loss occurred will also help you decide whether you want to come to a group or not. A loss that has occurred within weeks of a group may be too soon for some people. The hurt is still so fresh and raw that just hearing others' stories will be too much to bear. Yet there are others who are encouraged hearing that they are not the only ones experiencing the emotions and thoughts that they are having.

What kind of loss you experienced will also help you with this decision. There are "generalized groups" and "specialized groups." Generalized groups have members that have experienced various kinds of losses - parental loss, spousal loss, child loss, grandparent loss, etc. However, there are some people who feel that they would be more comfortable in a specialized group. Specialized groups can be people who have experienced JUST child loss, spousal loss (widow/widowers groups), suicide survivors (family and friends that lost a loved one to suicide), traumatic loss (car accident, overdose, homicide), etc.

If you decide to join a group, there a few simple rules that apply for EVERY group.

1. Confidentiality! Anything that is shared in the group, stays in the group! The fact that a person is in the group is confidential as well.

2. No shoulds or musts! People intend to be helpful, but it's not appropriate to tell another group member that they "should" do something, or they "must" act a certain way.

3. No judgments! It is not our place to judge another group member for what they are saying. Group is supposed to be a safe place where they can come to unburden themselves and cry freely, if needed.

4. Don't monopolize the group. This is a hard one. Again, people don't intend to monopolize the group. It's just that their pain is so great and their need is so strong, they don't realize that they are using up all the group time and not letting other group members have a chance to share their story.

The overall advantages to choosing a group, is the connections and extra supports that you will meet, the commonalities you will experience with other group members and what you will learn about the grief process and your own unique and individual grief.

So, have you decided to Group or not Group?

Be well,

Diana

What do you say?

2006-05-15T10:29:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had the experience of not knowing what to say to someone who has lost a loved one? Have you ever been to a funeral and approached the griever and felt at a loss for words?

Have you ever lost a loved one and been hurt or offended by something someone said to you? Has someone ever asked you "How are you doing?" after you lost someone and you wanted to respond, "How the (blank) do you think I'm doing?"

Well, if you have found yourself in either situation, you are not alone. Don't worry, here is a list of "potentially hurtful things to say" and "potentially helpful things to say", to use as a guideline in these situations.

Potentially Hurtful Things To Say

"I know how you feel." (Even if you have experienced a similar loss, each loss is a unique experience to that individual griever. Perhaps a better sentiment to express would be "I lost a (insert relationship here) too. If you would like to talk, I'm here for you.").

"I don't understand why you feel this way."

"You two were always fighting anyway."

"You're still young."

"It was God's will."

"You can have other children."

"Be strong!"

"You can always remarry."

"I know someone who had two family members die and . . ."

"Their death was a blessing."

"It's in the past. Put it behind you."

"At least you have other children."

"Don't cry. It will upset your mother."

Potentially Helpful Things To Say

"It's ok to be sad."

"Your feelings aren't wrong or right, they just ARE."

"I'm sorry."

"What can I do for you?"

"How are you doing with all of this?" (Ask this only if you truly want to hear how they are REALLY doing).

"Please tell me how you are feeling." (Again, only ask this if you truly want to hear how they are REALLY feeling. It can be helpful for the griever to verbalize their thoughts and emotions.).

"This must be so hard for you."

"I'm here and I want to listen." (Let them know you are available to listen, they may not want to burden you.)

"Take all the time you need."

"It isn't fair, is it?"

So, what do you say? Think about it.

Be well,

Diana

Honoring and memorializing our loved ones.

2006-05-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

It is very helpful during the grieving process to use healing rituals to honor and memorialize our loved ones. These activities can bring a sense of peace and of being connected to our loved ones. Some activities that can be honoring are journaling, drawing or scrapbooking. Scrapbooking is one of the more popular ways to remember a loved one and to honor the life that they lived.

If you are in the area and would like to experience this special scrapbooking activity, I have included a copy of our flyer for our next workshop. As always, if you have any questions, do not hesitate to call (800-882-1117) or e-mail (bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org).

Be well,

Diana Sebzda

Scrapbooking Their Life

Sponsored By The
Joseph T. Quinlan Bereavement Center

Scrapbooking has become one of the most popular ways to remember loved ones and special events. This workshop will focus on the use of Scrapbooking as a healing ritual that will help honor and memorialize our loved ones who have died. This will be an evening of sharing scrapbooking ideas, tips and personal stories, led by masters level counselors who specialize in grief support and education.

Where: Corner Pockets

33 Route 206 South, Augusta, New Jersey

(Next to the Augusta Post Office)

When: Thursday, May 11, 2006

Time: 6:30 – 9:30 p.m.

Registration Fee: $20.00

Please make checks payable to the

Bereavement Center.

Registration fee includes the meeting place, use of Corner Pockets scrapbooking equipment, the use of our paper trimmers, decorative scissors and corner punchers. We will also provide refreshments, cardstock and a limited supply of stickers and embellishments. Please bring your own adhesives.

To register, or for more information, please call:

Diana Sebzda or Lorri Opitz: (973) 383-0115

bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org

Grief Resources and Literature

2006-05-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

I love books and I love to read! I got this love from my Dad. Thanks Dad! :) As a grief counselor, a lot of my reading choices center around the topic of grief.

One book in particular generated a lot of "talk" at my office and among members of our Coping With Loss support groups - "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. I was led to this book by my husband, Jack. He read a review on this book in Time Magazine and forwarded it to me. Thanks Jack! :)

I loved this book. Joan Didion's writing style is easily understandable, as she writes about her grief experience and her grief process as a result of her husband's sudden passing. Any griever that I have met and has read this book has related to many things she described.

It's one thing for a grief counselor to try to validate and normalize a person's feelings and actions in grief; it's quite another to have a "regular" person write about similar feelings and situations that the reader might be experiencing. There are a lot of "Aha" moments that bring the reader clarity in what can be a very foggy time.

If you are looking for resources that can help answer some questions or help you feel that you are not alone, I highly recommend this book.

If you would like information on more grief related resources, please feel free to call at 800-882-1117 or e-mail at bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org.

Be well,

Diana

Support Systems!

2006-04-24T13:30:00.000-04:00

I personally feel that having a support system is one of the keys in getting through the grief process. Who are the supports in your life? Take some time to identify the people, groups and activities which form your network of support and help give meaning to your life.

When a person grieves, it can feel like the loneliest time in one's life. It may feel like there is no one out there that could possibly understand what you are going through. Having friends and family to rely on can help take the edge off of your grief.

Who are the people closest to me? Fill in these blanks:

Family Members:

Friends:

Neighbors:

Teachers:

Counselors:

Clergy:

Church Members:

Co-workers:

Pets:

What clubs, activities or support groups are available?

Church Groups:

Job:

Arts/Music:

Athletic/Gym:

Educational:

Support Groups:

If you are in the New Jersey area you can go to www.selfhelpgroups.org. Or contact your local hospice for information on support groups in your area. If you are in the Sussex or Warren County, New Jersey area, or Pike County, Pennsylvania area, there are Coping With Loss Support Groups that meet once a month.

There are many other support groups in the Northern New Jersey area. To have a list mailed directly to you, please feel free to e-mail or call.

Remember, it's never too early to get your support systems in place - think about it.

Interfaith Memorial Service

2006-04-17T09:17:00.000-04:00

We would like to extend an invitation to attend our annual Interfaith Memorial Service, held on Monday, May 15, 2006 at 7:30 p.m. at Washington Alliance Church, Route 57, Washington, New Jersey.

This memorial service is open to anyone in the community who wishes to commemorate loved ones who have died. It will be an evening to remember, to gain strength and comfort. There will be clergy from the Catholic, Protestant and Jewish faiths. We will have songs, readings, and a candle-lighting ceremony.

You may also call in this information at 800-882-1117 or e-mail at Bereavement@karenannquinlanhospice.org.

Coping With Grief

2006-04-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

To move through the grief, it is necessary to find healthy expressions of your feelings through mental and physical activities. It is human nature to move away from painful stimuli, so people may become avoidant of their painful feelings in grief. There are others who will tell you that you can only avoid the painful emotions for so long before they come around for a sneak attack. It is very common to hear, "I was doing so well for so long, then all of sudden I became so emotional. It was as if it came from out of no where."

So what can you do to avoid the sneak attacks of grief? Let your emotions fill you, honor and accept them, and let them go. What are some ways to honor your grief and to let it go? Exercise, Journal, Listen to Music, Write Poetry, Paint or Draw, Prayer or Meditation, Join a Support Group, or Volunteer.

The key is to find "healthy" and "constructive" ways to let out the emotions.

Typical Grief Reactions

2006-04-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

It has been said that grief can mimic insanity. When you are in grief, it is certainly a turbulent time - on many levels. You are not crazy, you are not going insane - you are grieving. Here is a list of typical grief reactions:

Physical: Headaches, dizziness, exhaustion, muscular aches, menstrual irregularities, sexual impotence, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, tightness, hollowness, over sensitivity to noise.

Affective: Anger, guilt (including death causation, cultural role, moral, survivor, and recovery grief), anxiety, helplessness, mania, emancipation, relief, sadness, shock, yearning, numbness, blame.

Cognitive: Depersonalization, disbelief, confusion, idealization, preoccupation with image, search for meaning, sense of presence, hallucinatory experiences.

Behavioral: Loss of patterns of conduct, interpersonal changes, withdrawal, avoiding reminders, over activity, crying, appearance of traits of the deceased, tiredness.

Introduction

2006-04-05T10:54:00.000-04:00

If you are viewing this journal, it may be because you have experienced a loss and need some help, advice or support. Or maybe you know a family member or friend that could use some help or information. It is my wish that this journal will meet your needs.

We have helped those who have dealt with issues of grief, anticipatory grief, sudden loss, traumatic loss, pet loss and children's reaction to loss. Some of our special projects include a Children's Art Therapy Program and Teen Grief Camp. My intention is to post weekly informational articles and post some pictures. I welcome any questions or suggestions for future postings. I want this journal to be most helpful to you - so you can help me reach that goal by providing me your questions, comments and feedback.

Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice and the Joseph T. Quinlan Bereavement Center are non-profit agencies that serve Sussex and Warren Counties in NJ and Pike County, PA. Our offices are located at 99 Sparta Avenue, Newton NJ 07860 and 214 Washington Street, Hackettstown NJ 07840. We would like to expand and extend our services through this journal and answer any questions that you may have, regardless of where you are located. The Bereavement Center is funded through donations, so any donation, big or small, is greatly appreciated and will be acknowledged.

Thank you,

Diana Sebzda, MA, LAC

Director of Bereavement