Emotional Rollercoasters

Often we talk of “emotional rollarcoasters” when trying to describe what it’s like to go through the grief process.  But even I was unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster experienced while dealing with a loved one with a serious illness. 

 

We talk about “anticipatory grief” in terms of the emotions you experience while dealing with a loved one with a terminal illness, but what if the loved one hasn’t been given a terminal prognosis?  What if your loved one has been diagnosed with an illness and a prognosis hasn’t been given?  What if treatment options don’t seem to be working and you see loved one being ravaged by the treatment?  What if you see your loved one suffering from complications of the treatment?  What if it seems that the cure is worse than the disease?  What if your loved one and their doctor have a game plan, but no one else seems to know what that game plan is?  What if you come from a large family and everyone has their own opinion about what is going on and what should be done?  And so the ride begins.

 

Now you are on this ride and you have all of the above as factors in how you deal with this situation emotionally, but wait . . . we’re not done!  What if your loved one is in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis, sometimes a daily basis?  What if your loved one had to have emergency surgery to reduce symptoms of the disease or complications from the treatment?  What if your loved one almost dies, due to hospital error, complications or a weakened condition?  What if this happens repeatedly within a week’s time?  What if during all of this activity you have several doctors on the “team” giving you their opinions on your loved one’s condition, diagnosis and prognosis – and they are all different!  Well, heck – this is one crazy ride!

 

But wait – we’re still not done!  What if you don’t live close to the hospital?  What if you work a full-time job and can’t get to the hospital as often as you would like?  What if you have family members doing most of the care and organizing and you can’t participate as much as you would like?  What if you DO go down any spare time that you have, or you spend that time on the phone getting updates from your family members?  How do you take care of your children?  When do you go to the grocery store?  When do you do laundry, vacuum, pay bills, mow the lawn?  How do you take care of yourself – keep doctors appointments, get to the gym, keep a date with a friend – all without ticking off the other family members?  Can we get off this ride yet?

 

Most people get off a rollercoaster and they feel dizzy and maybe a little upset to their stomach.  After getting off this particular rollercoaster you might feel angry, frustrated, exhausted, intolerant and emotionally shut-down.  When you read the above, it’s easy to see why you might feel this way, but when you’re going through the experience, it’s not so easy to figure it out.  The important thing is to give yourself a break.  In this case, you are definitely not to going to make everyone happy, so at least try to keep yourself emotionally healthy so that “when” you can be available for your loved one, you are atyour emotional best and can give all that you have in the care of your loved one.  Do your best to meet each challenge as it comes and don’t think to far ahead about “problems” or “what ifs” that haven’t even come up yet.  Deal with what’s on your plate – right in front of you – nothing more.  This will ultimately help with the “ups and downs” of the emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Anticipatory Grief

Do you have an elderly parent that you see getting weaker and more dependent with the passing of each day?  Do you have a spouse, parent, sibling, child or friend that has been diagnosed with a terminal illness?  Do you know someone who is suffering from a form of dementia? 

These are just a few scenarios that you may have experienced, or may be experiencing, with a loved one right now.  When confronted with these situations you may find yourself dealing with Anticipatory Grief.  This simply means that you are aware, on some level, of the eventual loss of your loved one and are grieving their death before it has happened.  Just as in grief, anticipatory grief can have very many different feelings and reactions, depending on the variables involved with your situation.  

Do you find yourself avoiding the issues, pretending that life is normal just like it was before your loved one became ill?  Do you find yourself unable to have meaningful conversations and moments with your loved one for fear that it will be interpreted as trying to capture "what time is left" with your loved one?  Do you find yourself avoiding serious questions, and avoiding the exploration of healthcare options, because you don't want your loved one to lose hope or stop fighting?  Do you find yourself having unbidden, or uncomfortable thoughts as you observe the physical changes in your loved one?  Do you find yourself depressed and sad, unable to function at work or at home?  Do you find yourself mad at your loved one for being sick, dependent, or for making end-of-life choices that you do not agree with?  These are all normal feelings, thoughts and actions, when dealing with anticipatory grief.

In some situations, you may feel that you are pulling away from your loved one emotionally.  This too is normal as your mind is trying to make efforts to protect you from the grief that will surely come when your loved one dies.  If you are not emotionally invested now, it won't hurt so much when they die, right?  Maybe.  But it has been my experience, that you will feel the grief, regardless of any protective measures that are put into place.  There is no avoiding the pain of grief, nor the pain of anticipatory grief. 

The best plan, in the event of anticipatory grief, is to prepare and protect yourself in other ways.  Make sure you have a good support system in place.  People in anticipatory grief, need to have someone that they feel comfortable with and can trust to be able to discuss all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that they may experience.  Depending on what your loved one's situation is, there are many organizations, support groups and counselors that specialize in that particular situation and with anticipatory grief.  Use them - that's what they are there for.  Also, talk with your loved one, as honestly as you can and as the situation allows.  Your loved one is more than likely having the same thoughts, feelings and emotions that you are and will welcome the opportunity to share them with their support system - YOU. 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.