What Do You Want?

Working in hospice and in bereavement, we are faced with the difficult challenges and decisions that people have to make in what is already a very difficult time.  Thinking about our death, or our loved ones' death is not what we want to think about, so we go in denial.  Let's only talk about pleasant things, let's not discuss uncomfortable, sad and depressing things.  What happens if you get diagnosed with a terminal illness?  What happens if a loved one dies unexpectedly?  Often we see families arguing with each other about what the loved one would want.  This is the time that the families should be coming together in support of each other - not fighting.  However, if wishes are not written down or stated, it's a guessing game as to what the loved one wanted.  Same holds true for people who have a terminal illness.  If their wishes are stated before they die, then the time they have left can be spent sharing meaningful moments and memories with family.  One client stated that it took the pressure off of her and the family knowing what their loved one wanted. 

It's human nature to put off what we know we should do, especially it it's something we're not all too jazzed up about doing anyway.  How many times have you thought, "I really need to make a will, or update my  health care proxy."?  How many times have you thought, "I have plenty of time, nothing is going to happen to me.  I'm young, I'm healthy.  I'll do it tomorrow, or next weekend."?  Well, there is an easy way to get this task done.  There is a simple form titled, "Five Wishes" provided by www.agingwithdignity.org, or you can call 1-888-5-WISHES.

There are five parts to the form, or "five wishes", where you are guided to write down your wishes in the event of . . . .

Wish #1 refers to the Health Care Proxy.  This is where you determine who you wish to act on your behalf if you are not able to voice your wishes.  There is also a section where you can "customize" your living will.

Wish #2 pertains to what you want your caregiver to know about the kind of medical treatment you would like in certain situations, such as if you were on life support, close to death, had brain damage, were in a coma or wished to have a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order.

Wish #3 deals with the kind of comfort care you would wish from your caregiver, such as pain control, how to assess your symptoms, whether you wanted a cool cloth to be applied to your forehead, if you wanted to have your lips or mouth moisturized, if you wanted a massage, or music to be played or spiritual passages read while you were close to death.

Wish #4 is for the kind of treatment you want from others while you are near death, such as whether you wanted visitors, do you want to be touched, do you want people to talk to you or pray with/for you, do you want pictures of your loved ones placed around your bed and where you want to die.

Wish #5 tells your loved ones what you want them to know, such as you love them, you have forgiven them, you want them to forgive you, to respect your wishes, that you want them to seek counseling after your death, to make peace with each other, whether you are to be buried or cremated, where do you want your body or cremains to go, who is the designated person who knows your funereal wishes, what do you want said at your service, what kind of songs do you want played, what kind of flowers do you want or any other special requests.  There is an extra space for other wishes, such as whether you want to donate your organs or your body.

I often share my personal wishes with my husband.  I tell him that I don't want a viewing, I want to be cremated, I want a memorial service that plays certain songs and I want it to be like a huge party where people can share their memories and be a huge support to each other.  Since I've been doing this work, he gets used to my rantings and he simply replies, "Well, you better have it written down somewhere if you want me to remember all of that."  Hmmmmm, I better get the "Five Wishes."

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and thecommunity.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

The Use of Rituals - KISS

Rituals are used quite often, not only during bereavement, but in our everyday lives.  Rituals specifically used in bereavement offer the griever an opportunity to feel connected to their lost loved ones.  Rituals can also offer a sense of peace and comfort to the griever, even if it's only for a little while.  Often, a griever may have problems working through their grief process because they interpret that if they stop grieving their loved one, they will forget them.  NOT TRUE!  We all come to know that eventually, but when someone is in the middle of their grief, it is very hard to convince them of that fact.  That is when we can use rituals as a way for the griever to honor and remember their loved one. 

The key to making rituals a powerful, healing and symbolic action is in the KISS principle.  Keep It Simple Silly!  Ok, that last word wasn't supposed to be "silly,"  but I don't like the other word, and this is my blog, so I'm taking artistic freedom here.  Rituals can be as complicated or as easy as you want them to be.  However, I have found that the less complex a ritual is, the more likely a griever will use it.  Let's face it - when you're grieving, it can be a chore just to get out of bed in the morning and take a shower.  Who would want to participate in a complicated ritual?  On Thanksgiving, my family has the ritual of everyone around the table taking a turn and saying what they are grateful for.  Pretty simple, right?  Well, it is - but my niece showed me that it could be made even simpler and the power of the ritual was not diminished, in fact, it made it even more special and memorable.  As each person took their turn, most said they were grateful for their family and health.  When it was her turn she said, "I'm grateful for my fish!"  You can't get more simple than that! 

Rituals can be as varied as your imagination and creativity allow.  Here are some common ones that people seem to enjoy. 

Sharing memories of the loved one with others who knew the loved one as well.

Sharing the loved ones favorite food or drink and helping others to know the loved one better.

Light a candle.

Plant a tree.

Play a song.

Release balloons - with or without messages to the loved one.

Build a bouquet of flowers.

This last ritual we actually use a lot in our children's groups and our adult groups as well.  It is very simple and yet very powerful and effective.  I have included the instructions here for your use.  This ritual can even be used with family members. 

Build a Bouquet

Supplies:  Flowers, vase

Directions: 

Lay flowers out on a table.

Have each person approach the table, pick a flower and place the flower in the vase.

As they place the flower in the vase, they can think to themselves, or say out loud, something they would like to convey to their loved one. (I miss you.  I love you.)

The person goes back to their seat and allows the next person to go up to the table.

Once the bouquet has been built, everyone sits quietly for a few moments and observes the beautiful bouquet that was put together with loving thoughts.

Remember, rituals don't have to be complicated.  They just have to feel meaningful to you.  Remember KISS! 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Getting Back in the Saddle - Part 2

A couple of weeks ago we discussed “getting back in the saddle again.”  This week, I would like to explore that a little more.  Clinically, the term for “getting back in the saddle” is “reinvestment.”  Many people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief, but a similar concept is Therese Rando’s Tasks of Mourning.  The final task is “reinvestment.” 

 

Therese Rando proposes that a person who has experienced a loss will have to work through these tasks.  These tasks are similar to the stages of grief, in that there is no set way a person goes through these tasks.  It is highly individual and a person can go through them in a step by step fashion, they can bounce back and forth between the tasks or they can even become stuck at a particular task for a very long time.  We typically use these tasks to help an individual in grief recognize where they are in their grief process. 

 

Tasks of Mourning

 

1.         Recognize the Loss:  An individual needs to acknowledge and understand the    

            loss. 

 

2.         React to the Separation:  Experience the pain of grief and offer it a release.   

            Learning to accommodate the loss of the person into their lives.  This period can

            be an emotional roller coaster.

 

3.         Recollect and Re-experience:  Share stories and relive memories of the

            relationship that was lost. 

 

4.         Relinquish Old Attachments:  Release the hold on the loved one that has

            passed. It is difficult to hold on and move on at the same time. 

 

5.         Readjust:  To adapt to a new world without the lost loved one, but not

            forgetting the loved one. 

 

6.         Reinvest:  To have a renewed energy and interest in life. 

 

This last stage represents more than just showing a renewed energy and interest in life.  It also represents the ability of the griever to put their heart and emotions into another relationship knowing that there is a possibility of feeling this intense pain again.  If you are a gambler by nature, you might feel more comfortable taking this chance.  For some people, this is a HUGE risk.  But unless you want to face a life of loneliness and without companionship or friendship, this is your only choice.  

 

When you are faced with making this choice, you find yourself weighing the options of putting your heart out there once again.  If you take the leap, how many years will you get with this relationship?  Chances are you may have many wonderful years with this relationship and have many gifts of happiness along the way.  Surely that is worth taking the risk, because if you do happen to lose this relationship again, the happy memories can outweigh the pain of the ending, right?  It sounds logical at the time, but anyone who has experienced a significant loss knows that is not true.  In time perhaps one can remember the happy memories with less pain, but at the moment of loss, the pain obliterates all and the pain is all there is. 

 

So let’s not get emotionally involved in any more relationships.  It’s much safer that way, right?  It’s also boring, lonely, miserable, unhappy and most importantly, not a very honoring way to live your life without your loved one.  I don’t know one person that I have loved and has left me, that has wanted me to remain miserable and lonely.  We all know that our loved ones want us to go on living the best life that we can and to continue to offer our gifts to others along our life’s journey.  The experiences we gained from knowing our loved ones are experiences we can give to others as well. 

 

To me, the most honoring thing I can do for my lost loved ones is to take the lessons they offered me from their life experiences and use them to make future relationships I may be lucky enough to have feel vibrant and fulfilled.  Most lessons people take away are not to take loved ones for granted, to appreciate every single moment we have with them because we never know when it will be our last.  Then when we take the leap again, and if, God forbid, they leave us – we will know in our hearts that we gave them everything we had to give, and with time, when the pain has diminished and we are able to focus on the happy memories again, they will be abundant.

 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Coping with the Holidays

Well, it's hard to believe it's that time of year again, but I have already given a lecture on "Coping with the Holidays" for a local residential home and passed out some info at our support group last night, so I think it's fair to share the same info here.

The holiday season can be a difficult time of year for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Instead of the bustling happiness that may seem to surround you, you may be experiencing feelings of dread, anxiety and overwhelming sadness.  Here are some suggestions and tips that you may find helpful in getting you through this time of year.

 

Prepare yourself.  Try to give some thought to the challenges that may await you in the holiday season.  Think about what you will say when an invitation to a party comes your way.  Plan an answer for when the family asks if you will still host the traditional holiday feast at your home.  You may want to participate in holiday events and you may want to continue with holiday family traditions; but it perfectly acceptable for you to not want to participate as well.  You may want to suggest making new family traditions.

 

Know your limitations.  Don’t give in to family and social pressure.  Learn to say no.  You are the only one that knows how much energy you have to deal with, “going to a party”, “baking cookies”, “decorating the house”, “keeping up with family traditions.”  Again, doing these things may make you feel better, but be kind to yourself – if you don’t think you’re up for it – say “no.”  Or say “yes”but make it clear that it will be tentative, based on how you feel when you wake up that morning!

 

Holiday emotions.  It’s ok to feel sad during this holiday season and it’s ok to feel happy.  Go with the flow.  If you want to cry – cry.  If you need to talk about your loss with someone – find that someone.  If you find yourself having fun – go with it, don’t guilt over it.  Laughing is healing. 

 

Holiday chores.  If you must do some of these chores, here are some suggestions:

 

Shopping – Pick a time when there are less crowds.  If you don’t want to go alone, take a friend or family member with you.  Try catalog or on-line shopping.

 

Sending cards or letters – Try to shorten the mailing list.

 

Getting a Tree – If you decide to get a tree, try getting a smaller one, or a tabletop version.

 

Consider participating in a ritual.  Rituals can be healing and a therapeutic way to honor our loved ones.  Rituals can include lighting a candle, playing a special song or listening to special music, reading or writing poetry, etc.  Other ideas are to give gifts on behalf of your loved one as a way of honoring and remembering them.  You can also spend some time reflecting on the "gifts" your loved one has given you in the past. 

 

If you find that you are alone for the holidays and would like to do something meaningful, there are always volunteer opportunities where you can focus on the spiritual and giving aspects of the season.

 

Just remember that you know yourself better than anyone else.  You know what you can and cannot handle.  Please be gentle with yourself.

 

Until next week,

 

Diana 

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compassion Fatigue

Last week we talked about Caregiver Stress and Strain, which focused on someone who is caring for a loved one.  This week let's talk a little bit about Compassion Fatigue, which is focused on people who work in the helping professions. 

Compassion Fatigue is a concept that has been around for awhile, but seems to be more accepted and recognized as a valid danger for people who work in the helping professions.  Some may be more familiar with other terms such as Vicarious Trauma, Grief Overload or Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The definition for Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder is "the state of tension and preoccupation with the individual or cumulative trauma of clients as manifested in one or more ways including reexperiencing the traumatic event, avoidance/numbing of reminders of the event, and persistent arousal."  Some at risk professions are Emergency Care Workers, Counselors, Mental Health Professionals, Medical Professionals, Clergy, Volunteers and Human Service Workers.  Even people who aren't in the helping professions can fall prey to Vicarious Trauma through the daily intrusions of the media regarding violent crimes and traumatic events.  By being constantly subjected to these images, it can create a persistent arousal state within us and we may not even be aware that it is happening.  Some examples are being an overly protective parent, a hypervigilant female, or the complete inability to trust people. 

The symptoms of Compassion Fatigue are important to discuss, because a lot of them are symptoms that people can experience on a daily basis and just explain them away as being due to the stress of daily living.  However, if you are in the helping profession please be aware that if you have these symptoms, these are warning to practice self-care and prevent burn-out.  The symptoms can be found in these seven areas, Cognitive, Emotional, Behavioral, Spiritual, Personal, Physical and Professional.  Let's discuss some of the more common symptoms in each category.

Cognitive:  We  may begin to feel apathetic about our work, clients or patients.  We may become preoccupied with the disease process, illness or trauma.  Professionals often talk about the occupational hazards of working in the health field.  For example, it is common to hear someone saying they have a pain in their abdomen and they are convinced it's cancer because a client of their's had similar symptoms and that's what they were diagnosed with.  We can live in perpetual fear of what's going on in our body and can begin to question the medical community if we perceive they are not on top of their game. 

Emotional:  Anxiety, depression or overly sensitive.  We may become guilty because we feel we should have or could have done more for our client/patient.  We may become shut down where our patient's and their families can no longer elicit emotional responses from us.

Behavioral:  Irritable or sleep disturbances.

Spiritual:  We can start questioning the meaning of life and our religious beliefs.

Personal:  We can become withdrawn from our loved ones, and have decreased intimacy with our significant others.  This may be done in an effort to not become emotionally available to anyone, or we have given so much of ourselves through work that we have no more to give to our family.  We may become intolerant of others.  We may become overprotective parents.

Physical:  We may have a lowered immune system because of the stressors we encounter on a daily basis, and much like Caregivers, people in the helping profession usually sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others.

Professional:  Our work may suffer because we have low morale, low motivation, staff conflicts, unusual or high absenteeism, fatigue and irritability.

So it's easy to see how mundane some of these symptoms can be, so it's particularly important for us to pay attention to these symptoms, especially if they are compounded.  One way to keep track of how we are doing in our work is by doing check-ins with ourselves.  There are several tests out that very quick and easy that one can take to see if they are in danger of Compassion Fatigue, or worse - Burnout.  These tests can be found on-line.

The Compassion Fatigue Self Test - can be found at www.ace-network.com/cftest.htm.  It's a simple, ten minute test that will rate your level of Compassion Fatigue and your risk for Burn-out.

The Compassion Satisfaction and Fatigue Test - can be found at www.isu.edu/~bhstamm.  Even though this test has been simplified, it is a little more time consuming, but it will not only rate your level of Compassion Fatigue and Burnout, but also assess your current satisfaction with continuing in the helping profession.

The Caregiver Strain Index - can be found at www.medscape.com/viewarticle/488917.  This is a simple test that is used by Caregiver's but it has the same principles for knowing your level of Compassion Fatigue.  I call it the quick and dirty test to do an occasional check-in.

Now the next thing is you know if you are in at risk category, you know the symptoms you may have, you know how to evaluate yourself to see if you are heading into trouble, but what can you do prevent it?  You have to practice self-care.  We all know this, however it is easier said than done.  I realize this, but seriously - if you want to continue to help people and do the good work that you do, then it is necessary and vital that you take care of yourself.  The first lesson is to practice saying "no."  People in the helping profession have a very difficult time with this.  You may  find it easier to start practicing saying "no" on family members or friends.  You also have to find what is meaningful to you.  Develop your own self-care plan.  What will your plan contain?  You  have to develop the same coping strategies that you would if you were suffering the loss of a loved one.  One of the main tenets for coping strategies in grief, is the value of the support system.  So what are your supports?  I have an earlier blog that can help with this is more detail, but if you are in the helping profession, what about your work environment or agency - use them as your supports.  Who will better understand the pressures you are under at work, than a peer or supervisor? 

Here are some other key strategies that you may find helpful:

Know your own triggers and areas of vulnerability.  Learn how to avoid them and diffuse them.  For example, if your case involves a terminally ill child that is similar in age to one of your own children, then you know that this case may be an emotional trigger for you.  What are your alternatives in dealing with this and preserving yourself?  Can another professional handle the case?  Can you talk to your supervisor about your concerns?  Can you summon a strong support system to help you through the case?  It's important to explore and discuss your options.  You don't have to tackle this alone.

Allow yourself to grieve.  People in the helping profession are expected to respond to the human loss, emotion and tragedy that surrounds them everyday as part of their work, but they are not expected to react as a human.  Impossible!  The fact is there will be clients you become attached to, there will be clients you lose, there will be clients that you grieve their loss.

Set boundaries for yourself.  Boundaries are in place as protective measures.  It is very common to have the boundary line blurred from time to time when you are working in the helping profession, that is only natural, but learn to recognize when you are getting ready to cross the line and why - this will help you keep those boundaries in place in future situations.

Alter irrational beliefs.  There are many different reasons why people are drawn to the helping professions.  A lot of us are perfectionists and don't want to be judged.  We need to know that we can't do it all and we don't have all the answers.  Replace your irrational beliefs with affirmations, such as "I am capable," "I am competent," or "I am good." 

If you still need convincing that you need to take the time to practice self-care, there are a lot of sites on the Internet regarding this topic.  Please explore them and convince yourself that you need to fit yourself in to your schedule in order for you to continue doing the good work that you do for your patients, clients and the community.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

Caregiver Stress

The definition of a Caregiver is one who is responsible for someone else's welfare.  When thinking of this definition one typically thinks of a parent caring for a child.  However, as the picture above depicts, often it can be a child caring for a parent, a spouse caring for a spouse, or someone caring for an individual dealing with a chronic or terminal illness. 

Often the Caregiver is overlooked because most of the focus tends to be on the individual receiving the care.  However, it is important to focus on the Caregiver as well, in order for the Caregiver to continue being an effective caregiver.  That sentence seems redundant, so let me try to explain.

The "real" definition of a Caregiver is one who keeps paperwork organized, is a medical insurance expert, a scheduler, a chauffeur, helps clean the loved one, cooks for them, gives them their medications, runs errands, pays the bills and cleans the house.  In some cases, one can add taking care of the children, and a variety of other tasks as well.  This list is definitely not inclusive of all the responsibilities that are heaped upon the Caregiver, and this list doesn't even begin to mention the emotional components of being a Caregiver.

Some of the symptoms of Caregiver Strain:

Sadness:  Caregivers often feel an intense sadness for a variety of reasons.  Typically when one is making life plans, rarely do they include caring for a spouse or parent who is suffering from a chronic or terminal illness, or the issues of old age.  It can be very upsetting for a Caregiver to see their loved one changing right before their eyes.  To see what was once a vibrant, independent, healthy person now becoming a shadow of their former self.  Also, a sadness for the dreams that were lost and can no longer have, such as retirement plans, special trips, or goals that can no longer be met.

Irritability:  Caregivers are often stretched to their limit and their tolerance becomes limited. 

Mood Swings:  Care plans can change on a daily basis, which leaves the Caregiver in an emotional see-saw situation.

Fatigue and Disruption of Sleep:  The Caregiver often does not have support in the home, so has to be available when their loved one needs them, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.  This means that if the loved one wakes during the night, so does the Caregiver.  If the loved ones naps during the day, often a Caregiver does not have the option of doing the same because they are using that time to catch up on housework, pay bills or other errands.  It's like taking care of a baby, you have to take advantage of the quiet times to get as much done as you can.  So when does that leave time for the Caregiver to rest?  It often doesn't which leads to an overwhelming fatigue.

Disruption of Eating Patterns:  The same holds true for eating.  Often when it is meal time, the Caregiver must feed the loved one and then proceed with the post meal clean-up.  Again, Caregivers often don't have the time to eat in a healthy fashion.  The situation is often a quick grab of this or that and the food or meal choices are usually not the best.

Decrease in social activity and a feeling of isolation:  Caregivers often can not find support to give themselves a break, so they may  reject invitations to get out of the house.  Also, once the Caregiver gets out of the house, they are so consumed with worry over their loved one that they find they can not enjoy themselves, so avoid social situations altogther.  This only increases their sense of isolation as their support of friends dwindle.

Frustration, overwhelmed, anger, guilt and feeling like there is not support from family or friends:  Caregivers often find themselves overwhelmed and frustrated with their responsibilities to their loved one.  This can also lead to feelings of anger toward their loved one and family members for perceived non-support.  This vicious cycle leads to feelings of guilt for feeling angry toward the loved one.  After all, this once vibrant, independent, healthy person certainly does not want to be dependent on their loved one for all of their care. 

Typically what happens in a Caregiver Strain situation is when the loved one does die, the Caregiver finds themselves in a strange situation.  What once ruled their daily life, is now gone.  There is a sense of not knowing what to do with oneself or what direction to go.  They feel like their lives have no meaning now without being able to care for another.  In addition, their immune systems are so compromised because of the lack of sleep, the poor nutrition and the general lack of self-care, that it is not uncommon for the Caregivers to break down and succumb to illnesses of their own.  Caregivers also struggle with grief issues.  They either feel surprised at the acute feeling of grief they have, or they feel guilty for not feeling the acute grief and having a sense of relief or acceptance instead.

If you find yourself in a situation of being a Caregiver, it's important to try protect yourself and reduce your symptoms and the strain as much as possible.  Many Caregivers feel like it is a gift or an act of love to be able to provide the care to their loved ones.  You have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to provide a high level of care to your loved one.  This is easier said than done, but it is very important to try to "internalize and own" this concept. 

Here are some key concepts to consider:

1.  Caregivers often run by schedules (doctor appointments, meal times, bathing times, etc.).  Try to put yourself into the schedule.  Schedule an hour to replenish yourself.  What is important and meaningful to you?  Do you like to read, watch a special show, knit, garden, meditate, pray?  Can you find a volunteer, parish member, neighbor, friend or relative to come in for one hour in an effort to provide you with this time? 

2.  Call the Social Service agency in your community for Caregiver tips and ideas.  Often they will have "respite program" designed to give the Caregiver a break or change of scenery.

3.  Try Journaling.  People often find a great release in keeping a journal.  People have used journaling as a way to share things with their loved one, as a way to get out their own feelings about being a Caregiver, or to focus on things they can be grateful for on a daily basis (reframing your situation).

4.  Try to stick to a daily routine.  Change can be disruptive and add chaos to what can be an already overwhelming and frustrating time for the Caregiver and for the loved one.

5.  Keep a folder handy that will help to keep all your paperwork organized and easily retrievable.

6.  Incorporate exercise and proper nutrition into your daily schedule.  This will enable you to keep doing the good caregiving work you offer to your loved one. 

7.  If possible find a support group for Caregivers in your area.  There are several on-line supports available.  Here a few:

Caregivershideaway at http://groups.yahoo.com.  This chat room is designed to be a safe place to share feelings and experiences as they relate to caregivers.

 

men_support at http://groups.yahoo.com.  This chat room is designed specifically for the male caregiver.

 

Also, you can try to contact:

 

The National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP).  This federally funded program provides services to help family caregivers.

 

National Eldercare Locator (800)-677-1116.  This organization can help you locate your local Office on Aging.  You can also visit www.eldercare.gov.

 

So if you find that you fit the definition of Caregiver - add caring for yourself in that definition and you can probably prevent the symptoms of Caregiver Strain and the after effects of grief.

 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Back in the saddle again . . .

Well, after quite a few weeks, I'm back in the blogging saddle again.  I must apologize for not keeping up with the weekly articles.  We recently wrapped up our first training for the Sussex County Schools called Healing in the Elementary School Classroom.  Much preparation and organization went into this initiative and it was quite successful.  We had a total of 17 participants representing 14 schools in the county, so we were quite pleased for our first attempt.  The participants were given a lot of information, but the main points were how to implement support groups in their schools and how to create crisis management plans and teams.  If you are interested in getting more information on this workshop, please feel free to contact me at 1-800- 882-1117.

Now for a different getting back into the saddle.  A lot of my ideas for my articles come from prevalent themes from issues I deal with in my work.  In the last couple of weeks, I have had a few clients with issues of being ready to reinvest in life but their children are not on the same page.  This can be a tricky road to navigate.  To put the situation bluntly - a spouse has died, the surviving spouse is ready to start dating again, but the children do not like the idea (and that's putting it mildly). 

We first have to go back to the "Variables of Grief."  One of the variables is "personality style," - how a personality is typically, is how they will grieve typically.  Since families are made up of different individuals and personalities, you can assume that you will have different grieving styles in the same house as well.  This can be difficult as everyone will seem to be at a different stage of grief, or task of mourning.  For example, the surviving parent is ready to reinvest in life (date again), but the children may not even have accepted the death of the parent yet, let alone be ready to reinvest in another parental relationship again.  They typically interpret this as someone trying to take the place of the deceased parent, and become resentful and angry. 

We also have the variable of "age" - what developmental stage are the children?  Do they understand the finality of their parent's death?  They may not accept a new parent if they believe the deceased parent is going to come back one day.  Or if they are a little older, they may understand that death is final, but don't quite understand how death works.  They just know that death can take someone they love, someone who provides for them and keeps them safe.  How can they risk loving anyone else (reinvesting), when death can take anyone at any time? It's much safer to not love anyone or depend on anyone, that way it won't hurt so much if someone does die again.  Another aspect of the reinvestment stage, is if the surviving parent begins dating someone who has children themselves.  So now the children may be worrying about having to love (reinvest) new sisters and brothers, or worry about the new siblings taking some of their parent's attention away. If your child is an adolescent, they may be struggling to gain their own independence.  They will most likely resent any new parent coming in to take the place of their deceased parent.  They will resent any new authority figure imposing new family rules and guidelines.  They will also feel protective of the deceased parent and will often remind the new parent that they are not their biological parent.  They can even become protective of the surviving parent and no one will ever be good enough for that parent, in their teens' eyes.

So, what do you do if you are a surviving parent and you wish to start dating again?  It has been my experience that most families do not handle this situation well.  I don't mean to be discouraging, but simply honest.  If you are a surviving parent and are interested in dating again, you have to know this, and be prepared.  Regardless of the age of your children, I would not introduce new people into their lives, unless you are serious about the new person.  If you decide to introduce a new person into their lives, always be honest and age appropriate with the information that you provide.  Reassure them that the new person is not taking the place of the deceased parent.  Reassure them that you love them just as much as you always have.  Reassure them that their safety and security will not be taken away as a result of this new person coming into their lives.  Reassure them that you will still be there for them. 

Get it?  Reassurance!  Do it over and over again.  Let them know that they can come to you with any questions or concerns they might have about this new person.  Listen to them!  Reassure them!  If you get back in that saddle again, it may well be a bumpy ride.  By being prepared ahead of time and anticipating trouble spots, you can smooth out a lot of those bumps. 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.