What do we need during grief?

Hi all,  I apologize for not posting in a great while.  To be perfectly honest, my mother-in-law passed away on February 25th and I have not been able to get my  head back into the game.  I realize that I have been extremely delinquent in posting, so I wanted to offer this article that I was going to submit to some papers and magazines.  I hope many will find this helpful and I thank you for your understanding until I can get back into the swing of things.

 

What do we need during grief

 

As a grief counselor, I would say we need a lot of things, but one thing in particular – time.  Society has an idea of how long it should take a person to “get over” their loss.  One of the most common ideas is that one should be done grieving after a year.  Many companies offer a bereavement leave of 3 days, IF the loss was immediate family.  Fewer days are offered if the loss was extended family – and probably none if the loss was a friend or pet.  Anyone who has experienced a significant loss will probably feel that these are inaccurate timelines in grief. 

 

Grief, in general, can be experienced in a variety of ways.  If a person were experiencing sleep disturbances, appetite changes, poor grades, nightmares, dreams of the loved one, sighing, listlessness, low motivation, clinginess, social withdrawal, fighting, and regressive behaviors (bed-wetting and thumb sucking), grief may be affecting a person’s behaviors.  If someone were experiencing the inability to focus and concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self-destructive thoughts, preoccupation of the death, confusion and disbelief, then grief can be affecting their cognitions, or thoughts.  If a person were experiencing anger, guilt, regret, mood swings, depression, relief, feelings of helplessness, fear, loneliness and anxiety, then grief can be affecting a person’s feelings, or emotions.  If an individual were experiencing headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness, a pounding of the heart, hot or cold flashes, increased illness, tightness in the chest, an empty feeling in the body, tightness in the throat and stomach aches, then grief can be affecting their physical being. 

 

The effects of grief do not end there however.  A person can experience symptoms affecting their behaviors, thoughts, feelings and body – all at the same time.  They can also experience more than one symptom from each of these areas, and again they could happen all at the same time.  It is easy to imagine that if an individual has not experienced a loss before, they may question their emotional stability.  Many people seek to medicate themselves in an effort to dull, or blunt, these symptoms.   Just as many people seek help from their physicians, who in turn often prescribe anti-depressants or anti-anxialitics to help their patients “get over the hump.”  Medication is just a band-aid for the symptoms.  It will cover up the pain for a little while, but it will not take the grief away.  Sooner or later the person will have to stop taking the medication and the grief will be there waiting for them.  Waiting to be dealt with; waiting to be acknowledged.   

 

Grief and depression are tricky companions.  Depression certainly comes with grief.  However, we caution people about using anti-depressants while in grief due tothe fact that once the medication is stopped, people will start to feel just as bad as when they first started taking the medication.  This surprises a lot of people who felt that they were starting to “get over” their grief, when in actuality they were just delaying the inevitable.  This is not to say that if someone is diagnosed as clinically depressed and are grieving that they should not take medication.  That’s why grief and depression are tricky companions.  One can be diagnosed as clinically depressed AND be in grief.  This is a case where one definitely needs to take their prescribed medication.  However, a person can be in grief and exhibit one of the symptoms of grief – depression.  This may be a case where the person needs to express their emotions and give themselves the gift of time in order to work through their grief. 

 

We always say that you can’t hide, deny or run from grief.  It will always be waiting to be dealt with.  One must work through the grief.  One will never “get over” their loss, but they will learn to accommodate the loss into their life.  People, who are grieving, may be struggling with trying to figure out who they are now without their loved one in their life.  They may be struggling with finding new goals, new meaning, and new directions.  This is all part of the grief process and must be given – time!

 

Please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

Variables in Grief

My husband's grandfather passed away one week ago today.  He lived a beautiful, long life and died at the age of 97.  Some may say he lived a good long life, so his loss will not be felt as deeply.  Perhaps, but for me, his death represents one less truly good, loving and generous person walking on this earth. 

We talked earlier about the Variables in Grief and how these can determine how each person will grieve in their own unique way.  As I participated in the full day of activities,  I looked around and saw how the Variables were working.  As each event unfolded, emotional barriers were broken down and family members comforted one another.  At the viewing, it seemed the duties of paying respects, saying hellos and good-byes filled everyone with a sense of purpose and although some tears were shed, most held themselves in a composed manner.  During the church service, emotional barriers began to break down as we each heard the pastor's words, sang the hymns, and looked upon the casket.  At the veteran's cemetery, a special service was held and emotions were broken down even further by the touching ceremony given for our grandfather in honor of the service he gave to his country.  As we gathered at the church once again for a meal, the comfort we had given each other throughout the day had shored us up and gave a period of time to rest before we felt we had to grieve again. 

Everyone who had gathered that day, held special memories of Grandaddy, and grieved in their own unique way according to their relationship with him.  The fact that he died at 97 years of age was a variable for some family members' grief.  I heard one say that she felt it was a relief that he passed and was no longer suffering.  For many, this was their first significant loss.  Without having any life experiences regarding death before, they may be feeling the grief more acutely than some other family members.  These were just a few of the Variables that I observed that day. 

I often hear from people that their family members are not grieving the same way as they are.  Or they share that they feel the rest of the family does not understand them or what they are feeling.  Look to the Variables.  Everyone will grieve in their own unique way and the Variables may give you a clue as to why.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

What does it mean to be a widow?

A friend of mine lost her husband and told me that she never speaks the "W" word.  I innocently asked, "What is the "w" word?"  Thinking it had to be something like the "F" word.  Well, it WAS a bad word, and to some the word may seem obscene.  The word is "Widow." 

My friend went on to explain that just because her husband had died, didn't mean that she stopped feeling married to him.  True, most vows include "Til death do us part," but the vows didn't say, "I'll stay married to you until you die and then we no longer have a relationship."  The vow merely says that death has parted you.  Most widows and widowers I know believe that when their time comes, they will join again with their spouse.  So it's just that death has parted you for a time. 

Some realists will read this and say come on now.  If we were take those vows literally then none of us would ever get remarried or become reinvested in life.  That's true too.  But that's why I ALWAYS say, "We each grieve in our own unique way."  Meaning if you want to grieve, move on and become reinvested in life, then by all means do so.  If you want to grieve, move on, become reinvested in life, but choose not to remarry again, then there is nothing wrong with that choice either.

I must admit that after the time I have spent in grief counseling I was surprised that I had never heard anyone express my friend's sentiment in quite that way before.  I always try to listen to people with an open mind, that is, after all, how we learn and grow.  Then I came across an article titled, "Spousal Bereavement" and the author wrote expressing the exact same sentiments that my friend had and I thought, "Well I'll be darned, she's on to something."  So I have included the article in this posting in the hopes that it may benefit someone. 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

SPOUSAL BEREAVEMENT

               Lynn Caine, Widow

 

“Widow” is a harsh and hurtful word.  It comes from the Sanskrit and it means “empty.”  I have been empty too long.  I do not want to be pigeon-holed as a widow.  I am a woman whose husband has died, yes.  But not a second-class citizen, not a lonely goose.  I am a mother and a working woman and a friend and a sexual woman and a laughing woman and a concerned woman and a vital woman.  I am a person.  I resent what the term widow has come to mean.  I am alive.  I am part of the world.

 

If fate had reversed its whim and taken me instead of Martin, I would expect him to be very much a part of the world.  I cannot see him with the good gray tag of “widower.”  He would not stand for it for one moment.  And neither will I.  Not anymore. 

 

But what of love?  The warmth, the tenderness, the passion I had for Martin?  Am I rejecting that, too?

 

Ah, that is the very definition of bereavement.  The love object is lost.  And love without its object shrivels like a flower betrayed by an early frost.  How can we live without it?  Without love?  Without its total commitment?  This explains the passionate grief of widowhood.  Grief is as much a lament for the end of love as anything else.

 

Acceptance finally comes.  And with it comes peace.  Today I carry the scars of my bitter grief.  In a way I look upon them as battle stripes, marks of my fight to attain an identity of my own.  I owe the person I am today to Martin’s death.  If he had not died, I am sure I would have lived happily ever after as a twentieth-century child wife never knowing what I was missing . . .

 

But today I am someone else.  I am stronger, more independent.  I have more understanding, more sympathy.  A different perspective.  I have a quiet love for Martin.  I have passionate, poignant memories of him.  He will always be part of me.  But –

 

If I were to meet Martin today . . .?

 

Would I love him?

 

I ask myself.  Startled.  What brought the question to my mind?  I know.   I ask it because I am a different woman. 

 

Yes.  Of course I would.  I love him now.  But Martin is dead.  And I am a different woman.  And the next time I love, if ever I do, it will be a different man, a different love.

 

Frightening.

 

But so is life.  And wonderful.

 

 

We Remember Them

Before the new year begins, the end of the old year is filled with remembrances.  A yearly tradition is to post a list of names of the famous, or influential, people who have died.  We often look over the list of names and remember how that person touched our lives, how they may have changed our culture or perspective, perhaps even our laws.  But we all know a great many people who may have affected us, and our lives, in this way, but they may be unknown to the masses.  We also know that just because "the masses" did not have the privilege of knowing this person, did not make this person any less special, or any less worthy of our remembrances.

I wanted to try a blog memorial for anyone who wanted to remember and memorialize a loved one.  If you would like to add a loved one's name and any comments about them and what made them so special, please feel free to access the comments section of this posting and I will update this posting daily to include all names and comments.  I will continue to do this until people stop adding names.  If you see a loved one's name already on the list, feel free to add it again.  Your comments and remembrances may be different than a previous listing, and will show how valued and loved this person was.  I also wanted to include a popular reading that I like to do during our memorial services. 

                                            WE REMEMBER THEM

                                                                 By

                                         Sylvan Kamens and Jack Reimer

At the rising of the sun and at its going down, We Remember Them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We Remember Them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of Spring, We Remember Them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of Summer, We Remember Them.

At the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of Autumn, We Remember Them.

At the beginning of the year, and at its end, We Remember Them.

When we are weary and in need of strength, We Remember Them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, We Remember Them.

When we have joy we crave to share, We Remember Them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make, We Remember Them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs, We Remember Them.

As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, As We Remember Them.

 

Memorial Names

Judith Mae Kruse (Atwood), She was my mom and died unexpectedly when I was 20.  I miss her every day and I feel her presence just as much.  Her death was very influential in leading me on the path that I am on today.  The things I want people to remember about her most was that she was animal lover (particularly cats - for those who know me, that explains a lot, doesn't it?), she had a great smile, she was funny and she loved her family.

John H. (Jack) Barrett,  He was one of the five people I consider my role models. Mr. Barrett was my Scoutmaster and helped teach me discipline as well as respect for nature. I believe that my enjoyment of the outdoors comes directly from him.  He passed away just before Christmas in 2004.  "

Donald L. Kane (Don) was my beloved husband.  He passed away suddenly in November 2006 at the age of 56, a week after our daughter, Jacqueline, got married.  He was a wonderful, loving, caring, hardworking man who never hurt a soul in his life.  He was very quiet, and you might think he wasn’t paying attention, but he never missed anything and never forgot anyone he ever met or worked with over the years.  He was an animal lover, too…he brought home almost every stray that crossed his path over the years…4 dogs, a hamster, 6 baby rabbits.  We had 34 wonderful years together.  We really never fought…hon ..."

Eugene Kruse, He was my Godfather and Uncle.  He waskilled in a drunk driving accident when I was very young.  I don't have many memories of him, but the ones I do are of a very loving and generous man.  He was one of my first comforting memories as a child.  I still have many of the things he gave to me when I was born. 

Olivia White, was my friend and I met her while she was a client for our veterinary hospital.  I helped take care of her and her dog and became very good friends with her.  She never married and was an only child.  She took care of her sick aunt and parents and hospiced them in her home, when hospice wasn't an easy choice back then.  Her pets were her children and she loved her white poodle, Teddy. 

Charles E. (Gene) Keith, my loving spouse of 34 years who suddenly passed away on December 15, 2006.  I feel I have a hole in my being without him.  He was a kind, caring and wonderful man who loved his family and God with all his heart.  He was retired from Phillips Petroleum for about 8 years and worked as a contractor and built houses for the last several years.

Charles Randow, my grandfather-in-law.  To me, he was what every grandfather should be.  He always made me feel like I was his real granddaughter, not just by marriage.  He always asked about me, my activities and what I was doing.  He always remembered every detail of my schooling, work and my many pets.  Most importantly, he told me he was proud of me.  He was truly a loving and generous man with a tremendously huge heart. 

Kenneth James, 45. Gone from this earth way too soon. A brave person who quietly fought a battle with cancer. Among his selfless commitments to others, Ken was a volunteer Fireman with  Engine Co #1 Pompton Plains, NJ, for many years.
In the time after his diagnosis, Ken never wallowed in self-pity. Through it all, he was a rock for the rest of us who asked plenty of times, "why him?".  

Ruth Sebzda, my Mother. Another of my five role models (Jack Barrett from an earlier post was another). My Mom was always there for my Father, Sisters and me in so many important ways that it would be impossible to describe them all. Words cannot describe what she means to me. Lets just say I love her and I will  miss her terribly.  

My beloved grandson Aaron died on March 13th,  2007.  He was 24 years old & the light of my life.  I miss him so very much & keep asking "why", why him & not me.  He was a young man with his life ahead of him.  There are many things I ask myself, such as What If, If Only.  My wound is so deep & hurts beyond belief.  Knowing I will never see his smiling face & sparkling eyes, running thru the grass with his dog is more than I can deal with.  How do you get thru these days?  I know that life will never be the same again, how could it be.  When does that pain inside of you ease?   Please God, keep Aaron close to you.

 

 

 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solelyon donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

 

 

 

Focusing

Last week I was having trouble focusing on what would be an appropriate topic to post.  I had other issues going on that were making it difficult for me to maintain my concentration and stay focused on my task.  When life throws you a curve ball and you become focused on that issue and the surrounding implications, it can be very difficult to focus on other aspects of your life; of your every day activities.  This is true for people who may be experiencing grief. 

People in grief are so focused on their loss and the surrounding implications that it becomes very difficult to focus on the other every day activities, such as work, home and family.  The surrounding implications are called "secondary losses" which mean how does this loss affect the other areas of your life.  Did your protector die?  Did your provider die?  Did your companion die?  Did your best friend die?  Did the person who handled all the household finances die?  Did the person who knew how to fix the car or fix anything that went wrong in the house die?  This list could go on and on, but you get the point. 

Take for example a widow just had her heat go out in the middle of winter.  She is already grieving and consumed with the sadness of the loss of her spouse.  Throw on top of that, she might not know who to call to come fix the furnace.  Where does she look for information?  How will she know that she is contacting a reputable company?  Can she trust being in the house with the repairman alone?  Does she pretend that she is not alone?  How much will it cost?  Does she have enough to fix it?  The estate hasn't come out of probate yet, if she pays for the repairs now, will she have enough money for food, bills, medical, etc.?  And this list goes on.  If you asked this widow to think about solving another problem or taking on another task, you can well imagine that she wouldn't have the energy or motivation to fulfill that request, let alone stay focused on that new task as well.

That is why I say, "Please be gentle with yourself."  I also like to say, "Don't have such high expectations of yourself during grief."  People have a tendency to be their own worst enemies.  During grief, you don't need YOU criticizing yourself, or berating yourself, because you didn't do something you thought you should do, or didn't act fast enough, or didn't think something through more thoroughly, or whatever it is that we like to beat ourselves up over.  As time goes on, you will be able to regain more and more of your focus and you will find that you will start to become more motivated, more energized.  You just need some patience, time and some kindness - to yourself.

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself - AND don't have such high expectations.

Diana

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.

The Flip Side of the Holidays

I know this was a tough time for a lot of people.   People have a tendency to become reflective around this time of year.   The holidays are surrounded with many memories – favorite holiday as a child, favorite toy, favorite tradition and favorite food.  But it’s also surrounded with the knowledge that as we grow up, we change – our traditions change, our lives change, and many of these memories become faded or are lost completely.  So the holidays become a time where there is happiness, mixed with tinges of sadness as well.  This can be felt even more so if you have lost someone you loved very much.  People also have a tendency to become reflective around the New Year.  People think back upon the last year and the changes that have happened, the good and the bad.  They then turn toward the future and begin to reflect on what the New Year will bring, what hopes, changes and goals will they try to achieve in the upcoming year. 

 

It’s very easy to become lost in your thoughts and depression, to think thoughts such as “what’s the point?”, “why did this happen?”, and “how did this happen?”  These are age old questions that I believe have never been answered and probably will never be answered.  It’s called “LIFE.”  If you are reading this post, then you are alive and living.  As long as you are alive and living, you will continue to grow and change.  You will continue to collect memories, good and bad.  You will continue to collect life experiences, good and bad.  You have a choice in how you want to live your life.  If we don’t have the power to change the outcomes of events, if we don’t have the power to get the answers to life’s age-old questions, we have no other choice but to go on living and hoping for the best.  It’s what you decide to do with your life that counts.  Will you focus on the negative aspects of a life you can’t control?  Or will you focus on living each and every day to the best of your ability?  One never knows what is waiting just around the corner, what surprises are in store for us.  Live each moment as if it might be your last.  Be with your loved ones as if that moment with them could be the last.  Try to live with no regrets and no guilt. 

 

I know – easier said than done – but you do have the choice. 

It's That Time of Year!

The holidays can be an especially painful time of year for people who are grieving.  There are some radio stations that switch their format to Christmas music 24/7 the day after Thanksgiving.  The stores seem to have Christmas decorations up at that same time as well.  The mailbox is jam packed with Christmas catalogs, trying to entice people to buy gifts from their store.  In amongst the catalogs are Christmas cards from family and friends, party invitations and final pleas from a variety of places to give a donation before the end of the year.  Everywhere we look, everywhere we turn, we are confronted with festive sights and sounds.  There seems to be no safe haven to escape and grieve in peace. 

 

The Christmas Waltz has a famous lyric that most people know, “It’s that time of year when the world falls in love.  Every song you hear seems to say, ‘Merry Christmas, may your new year’s dreams come true.’”  People who have suffered the loss of a loved one and are grieving may feel they will definitely NOT have a Merry Christmas and their dreams will NOT come true.  They want their loved one back.  That’s the dream they may have.  At any time of the year, people who are grieving try to hide their grief from friends, co-workers and family.  They don’t want people feeling sorry for them, or they don’t want to burden other people with their problems, or they feel if they cry, they might make people uncomfortable.  Now, during the holidays, this can become increasingly difficult to do.  When one is confronted with so much joy and cheer, how can one be a wet blanket and ruin everyone’sfun?  Particularly if joy and cheerare the last things someone might be feeling. 

 

When we talked about “coping with the holidays”, in an earlier post, some of the suggestions were to try to be gentle with oneself.  We don’t have to accept ALL the holiday gathering invitations.  We don’t have to send out Christmas cards.  Try not to have such high expectations, particularly around this time of year.  If there is a need to cry or be sad – go ahead.  Don’t worry about ruining the holiday spirit for others, they will understand.  Maybe initiate some new traditions.  Perhaps doing something completely different will turn it from the “holiday without a loved one” into the “holiday where we (insert whatever you want).”  My husband, Jack, came up with the example of making this the time of year to go on vacation, or take a trip, as a way of doing something completely different.  Then the holiday season can be spent organizing, planning and preparing for the trip – not dreading spending the holiday without the loved one.  This is by no means a way to say the loved one will be forgotten – we all know that can never be done – but a way to make a new meaning for this time of year.

 

Many years ago, my mom died in February.  As we entered into our first holiday season without her, it all seemed so sad.  The tradition of the family gathering on Christmas morning would be different.  We had never had a Christmas apart before.  My mom had made, some type of fried dough covered in granulated sugar, and served it one Christmas morning.  This kind of special memory was gone forever, just like she was, therecipe never to be found.  My sister and I had moved out to be on our own, she with her husband and son, and I with Jack (not yet my hubby).  It was only my brother and my dad, waking up in our home by themselves on Christmas morning.   I didn’t know that Jack had other plans.  He knew how much we missed my mom, and he knew how sad that Christmas was going to be without her, so he wanted to create a different memory on that day.  We went to my Dad’s house, as planned, and we started to open presents.  Jack gave me a present and I opened it to find a beautiful, black lacquered, jewelry box.  I was instructed not to open it yet because he had a question for my Dad and my brother.  He then proceeded to ask them both for their permission to marry me.  After their shocked reactions to the affirmative, I opened the box to find my engagement ring.  That change in tradition definitely shifted the tone and the mood of the day.  A new meaning was made, for me and my family, for this time of year. 

 

Until next week, please be gentle with yourself.

 

Diana

 

P.S.  If you have found this posting or previous postings helpful, please consider making a donation to The Bereavement Center.  We are a non-profit organization that serves the community, and we operate solely on donations from families, clients and the community.  As always, your donation will be greatly appreciated and acknowledged.